WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub. I see that we were both doing some delving into the history of our marriages today.

It's not a fun subject. I wonder when and if I will ever be able to look back on my memories with fondness. 22 wonderful years, 3 mostly-good years, and 5 months of hell. Still married, but not really. Still hopeful, but not optimistic. Still hurting, but working on healing.

How was your day?

[BluWave]

SadHub,

I am so glad you and Phoebe have each other :-)

Your W tho, my goodness, she is really a piece of work. She is so angry, isn't she. I don't even think a person can stop and self reflect when they are constantly pointing fingers and lashing out. Seems she hasn't been thinking clearly for awhile. Sadly, I don't think you can do anything about that.

You are a very patient man. Not sure I could handle her. Not sure how you even do it.

Hang in there!

-Blu

[SH_]

Good morning.

I slept soundly this past night, although I awoke early. But I feel well.
The last 2 days have been an absolute joy. I had some moments of....not sure what you would call it, but they were sad, mad, funny, doubt, and just shake your head and wonder what the he//?!?

So as I have been real busy, a lot has happened and I will journal/recap as best as I can recall.

First I am happy as my mothers surgery for breast cancer was such a success she went home the same day. I spoke with her and she is in great spirits and feeling well all things considered. We wait now for the tests of the tissue at which point the treatment options will be presented. The doctor was optimistic and hopeful. This was needed news for me.

My brother has finished his first full week of his new job and speaking with him is a joy and great distraction for me. This gives me strength.

My d17 has just spent 2 days at a conference for women entrepreneurs. Women looking to start a business, women with a small business and women that have grown small businesses to success. It was an absolute dream for her and the happy glow coming from her the past 2 days is indescribable. She is so excited that she is trying to talk me into helping her get to Nashville in November so she can attend again. I wish I could share all that she shared with me, but I will just say, the energy and happiness she has just sends chills down my spine and the grin of a proud father is so etched in my face it almost hurts.
The best part is d17 is very shy and introverted, so this conference is very outside her comfort zone. And did I mention, this was a women's conference. Not a teenager girls conference. Needless to say, she was the only teenager in attendance. So I challenged her to make 5 contacts. I wanted her to step out and mingle. She did and to make a long story short, she made contacts with women from many other states, and the best part, was that these women were fascinated by d17 and her story so they were drawn to her. Talk about a confidence booster for my baby girl.

Yesterday I enjoyed one of the best GAL activities that I have done since the BD. A good friend and a friend of his took me out shooting yesterday. I grew up with an outdoor father with hunting and shooting for recreation. Being raised in the military and having done a short stint myself, guns are just a thing I have always been around. But I have not done it much in my time married. Anyway we set up this weekend to go, we went, I had a blast, and the kindness of these gentlemen was just overwhelming. I have just 2 small handguns, but they had many different ones. Now ammo is not cheap, but they made sure I used every one of the guns they brought, and did not stop encouraging me to shoot until I had more than my fill of fun shooting at the targets. It was a morning that I just lived in the moment and will remember for a long time. And the whole time I know the d17 was having as much if not more fun.

I miss d5 but today she will join us and I look forward to it.

I was going to share the other events in this post, but I need to get going for church and to pick up d5, so I will share some of the craziness that also took place, but for now I am going to revel in the joy of the good moments of the past 2 days.

[bigybiz]

Thanks for sharing your post is in inspiration to us all.

[SH_]

Ralph,
It is crazy how MWD indicates LBS come to their faith, and it actually sticks. I am glad to see that we are trusting in a higher power now. I just wish I did before and maybe I would not be in this situation. But you are right, each has a free will to choose, so I know that is not entirely true.

Phoebe, yes today was a day to look back. I plan to set a time limit for this. I need to learn from the past, but I have to ensure I don't get stuck spending too much time there.

Blu,

It has been a challenge to keep up or should I say, to stay out of the path of her anger, tirades, and finger pointing. I always saw her as such a kind woman that would do anything she could to be kind to others. I always marveled at the way she would do things for me even when I did not feel I deserved it. But alas, there seems to have been a storm brewing under the surface and it has now come out in all its glory.
Yes, Phoebe has been a great support to me, and her words of wisdom hit me so when I need it. I also draw strength from seeing how she progresses in her own challenges. God truly places angels in ones path in the right times, and now with technology it would seem he can do so even in that manner.

[PsySara]

Frankly I think all that anger and lashing out has guilt at it's core. It's like the tell themselves this story about how they are the victim in all this, they poke and poke to get a reaction out of the LBS. When we refuse to react as expected, instead we speak softly and rationally, it spins them even more. How can a delusion persist when we refuse to play the part they have written for us?

[Phoebe]

Sara, I really think that you nailed it about the stories the WAS tell themselves. When we don't act the way they imagine we will, they try harder.

The last time I saw my H he poked and poked until he got me to blow up after a night with zero sleep. The previous two visits I refused to rise to his behavior, and so he tried harder the last time. I wish I hadn't reacted at all. Kicking myself for not taking the damn Xanax!!!

SadHub, you are very sweet. We seem to be on opposite schedules lately - you post in the early morning and I am a night owl, so you may not see this until tomorrow. I'm glad to hear about all the good things that happened yesterday, about your D17s incredible adventure and your time with your friends. I'm so happy that your mother's surgery went well and that she's home already. I hope that the biopsy results bring good news, and steer her toward a clear treatment plan.

I won't hear about your day today until tomorrow, so I am hoping that today brought you all kinds of simple joys, and I wish you a lovely day tomorrow!

[SH_]

Sara,

I do think you are right. I hope some day to know what the guilt is that she has. Or maybe I don't want to know. But I have seen the anger rise from her the less I react. It is a peaceful feeling to finally understand that, as I don't have to be part of the circus. I may be stuck in the tent, but I don't have to participate in the stunts and clown shows.

Phoebe,

I have been able to get to sleep, it's staying asleep that I struggle with. But that could just be from my habits before the BD. I got up regularly for my early morning jog at 430am. My body may be trying to get back to this. I am hoping this is a good sign.

So this has been a wonderful weekend as today continued to add to my joy. I awoke early and got some good time to share with others here on the forums. D17 and I got ready early and went to pick up d5 before church. She was an angel all day. We attended church and then we went to the high school for d17 baccalaureate program. D5 was an angel for that as well. She is just so well behaved when she is with me.
D17 appears to be getting the illness i had last weekend so she went home after the program while d5 and I wrapped up some errands.

Came home had dinner and then the girls sat down to watch the looney tune movie. D17 is now asleep and d5 is laughing at the movie.

It has been a busy but good day. It will be a busy week as d17 graduates and it is the last week of school for d5. Summer break will bring a whole new dynamic and challenge I am sure.

Oh and WAW texted first thing this morning to bring finance paperwork so she could sign it. She does not want to wait any longer to release the finances. Hmmm, I wonder if her cooler head prevailed, or her L told her she was wasting her time fighting what a judge would uphold anyway as it was fair and within the divorce laws of our state. I know it does not matter, but a 180 from the crazy of the past several days......my next post is to journal the goo...well, no good, just the bad and ugly.

[SH_]

Journaling....

I will start on Friday morning. I printed the finance paperwork, because she made a comment that I was to print it and bring it to her to sign. I knew the night before she flipped out about the research for the value of the newer car she is taking, but I thought I would press her by handing the paperwork. It was a risk, but movement was needed.

I arrived and dropped d5 off as usual. I then hand the paperwork to her. Of course, she reacts by saying " Didn't I make myself clear last night? I am not comfortable signing that. I know I can't get as much for the car as you say." I ask if she researched it further with the information I provided the night before. She said of course you researched it. Well I am contacting my L because I don't think that is right. I replied that would be a good idea. Her L can clarify what she needs to know.

WAW then realizes that d17 was not with me. She asked angrily where she was. I replied that she was going to the women's entrepreneur conference. I asked if d17 had told her ( I knew that she had). WAW replied oh yeah. Then she snapped did you take her already. I replied that she had arranged transportation and was fine. Then I got the 20 questions, but I cut it off as I had to get to work. It was like an event that she was aware of, but not to her likening was still somehow an issue I created.

As I left I over heard WAW ask d5 if I was going to her program today. D5 replied that I had to work so would not make it. WAW then asked if I had given her lunch money. D5 responded that I had. I was at my car and just smiled. It is as if everything is somehow related to me with her.

Briefly on the lunch money. The day before I dropped both d's off in the morning and WAW asked if I had made a lunch for d5. I responded no, because she had been eating lunch at school. WAW responded that she did not have any more money on account. I apologized as I was un aware of this. WAW responded how could you not know? I replied did you tell me? She just muttered and went into the other room. I hugged my girls and left. D17 shared later that WAW came out and asked if I left 5 dollars. D17 replied I had not. She then ranted and raved the remainder of the morning about that.

So back to Friday. I went to d5 program at her school. I arrived and went to her classroom. The room was full of parents so I stood just inside the door. D5 lit up when she saw me. I was one proud papa. I was there for 10 minutes as her teacher shared info with us and provided praise for the kids. At this point folks had squeezed past me several times to be in the classroom. Then someone came right behind me and I hear, " Oh so you actually made it huh? I turn and guess who. Yup, WAW as she brushed past me and squeezed into the last available chair in the classroom.

I just smile. She can be bitter and angry, and it shows in her face. Not mine.
D5 teacher approached me several times to tell me how glad she was that I had been able to come. I am sure she is aware of our sitch. I am sure almost any teacher at the school that WAW can talk to is aware. But d5 teacher is so nice and I know she was genuine.

After d5 finished her program I got the biggest hug ever. As I was leaving I noticed WAW speaking with another teacher. Now this was interesting as I know the teacher as she is the mother of a little boy that d5 is good friends with since pre school. I also know she and her husband divorced last summer and it was a bitter divorce. The poor little boy really had issues due to the messy divorce. So I see WAW talking to her, and then they are both glancing at me out of the corner of their eyes. I was close enough to read her lips and I see this lady telling WAW, don't give into him. Stay firm on what you want. I just smile and leave at this point.

D5 told me her uncle was picking her up from school because her mom was going out with the lady that did daycare for d5 until she started preschool. This lady divorced her husband of over 20 years after attending a high school reunion and running into her high school crush. Weird how the birds of a feather flock together huh?

So my L calls me as I had replied to his call asking the status of the finance agreement. I had asked if we should drop the car value so she would sign. He told me no way as it was fair.
He gave me 4 options to propose to her.
Ask her to sell me the car for the value she claims.
Swap cars with me and I not pay her the difference.
Swap cars and pay her the value she is claiming.
Sign the paperwork already.
Drop the cars from this agreement and add them to the d decree with the retirement divisions.

Well, fortunately as of this morning,she has decided to sign without any of these options being proposed. Again, I wonder what finally made her agree. But at this point, it does not matter so long as she signs already, right?!

So, the ugly now. Last night as d17 and I arrived home, d17 calls her mother as requested by a text from her. I am I the other room when d17 comes I and looks a bit upset. She asks if I had told her mother about the baccalaureate program . I replied that I had not. D17 responded that her mother asked her what program she had on Sunday. D17 told her mom it was just a homework assignment. I asked her why she told her mother this. She replied she did not want her mother at the program, but felt bad for not telling her the truth. She asked me how her mom knew of the program. I replied that I had mentioned it to d5 when talking to her about out plans for Sunday. D17 said oh.

She later came back and asked my thoughts on if she did the right thing by not telling the truth to her mom. I asked her why she did not tell her. She replied she did not want her to attend, but did not want to hurt her feelings or have to explain why. I asked her why. She said because she can not behave when I am around and her friends know the situation as she has shared with them, and they would be uncomfortable.

At this point I asked my daughter if she was comfortable with her decision. She said she was, but feels that she is always trapped in a no win situation with her mom. I provided advice that she should make decisions that are best for her, and avoid the decision making with my or her mothers filters on. She has earned the right to do this. I cautioned her to be sure that she is prepared for whatever reaction her mother may have, but if it is a bad one regardless of the decision she makes, then just select the one she is most comfortable with. She said she did the right thing then, because she was feeling so good after the conference, that tonight was not the night to let her mom bring that down.

Anyway this just breaks my heart, because the WAW has created such a circus that her relationship with her d is deteriorating faster that I even realized.

So that was the bad and ugly from the past couple of days. But this has been a wonderful weekend, so it is what it is and I plan to sleep peacefully this night.

Have a great week everyone.

[rich4j]

So the mind starts in the swirl of what the he// am I gonna do. My L keeps trying to work and charging me, while she is dragging her feet and stalling. My finances are tied up, I can't move, get d a car, nor do anything. I feel trapped and anger starts to boil. She wants to leave me and our family and she won't leave. Grrrrrr.


Then a few minutes later, I feel the waves of anxiety roll over me. I sit down and try to breath deeply to calm myself. D17 asks me if I am okay. I tell her to give me a few minutes and then went to the bathroom. I splashed my face with some cold water and came to the kitchen to get dinner started. Then the tears just start flowing. The mind starts racing and it goes on for 10 minutes. Me just sitting there crying like a baby.

I have never experienced anything like this before. The range of emotions were many and the mind funnel was all over the place.


I feel numb right now. Not sure if this is good or not. I just hope I sleep tonight. I want to escape this trap. How did I get stuck in this trap? I want to move forward to a future of hope and love.

I am sorry things are so hard and go in waves. I feel your pain so don't think it's you and you are alone

It is OVERWHELMING! YOu had a wingwoman before and you were able to divide and conquer. It's alot even with 2 parents let alone 1. And now you have all of these life changing events swirling around you with living arrangements, cars, bills, finances and that isn't even the people piece of the nightmare.

WAW, your children and you.....the human part is even harder to deal with day to day. And to do this all on your own. Loneliness...

I was going thru this exact loss of control back a few months when I was trying to do all this and plan a trip for spring break by myself. And going thru the legal piece which just started and being pushed weekly to get out of the house And trying to find a new car and and and and....loneliness, sadness, anger resentment....all of it
One of my best friend said take one piece at a time. Do you really need a new car now or can it wait a few months ? Crossed taht one out. What was most important? Getting my trip planned with D6 ....focus on that. Lonely? Yeah....you can't control that right now but try to be around friends family and your kids.

What could I not control? Alot. Such as worrying about how sad my D6 would be when we told her eventually. Lost sleep every night about how this was messing her future up.

So I tried to give up what I could not really impact in the upcoming week. And took it week to week...sometimes day to day. And focus on the small fun things if it involved my daughter or pets and ignore the rest as much as possible

It works for me but I also struggle and get back into sadness and felt myself crying the other night as I missed her under all the anger & resentment. So it won't go away too quickly...it's just reality

It will cycle and if you try to knock out small things and focus on small things rather than look at all this crazy life changing stuff that is so big it could help you.