More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thank you, Blu. The tsunami has calmed down, luckily.

I had a little distraction in the form of a new cat showing up on my porch. The problem with farms is that cats tend to show up/get dropped off. This is the first one to pop by in a while, and the only one that's been socialized in a very long time. The others I tend to see just as they are running away.

Anyway I fed him and talked to him and pet him. Luckily I'm rabies vaccinated, or I'd have been reluctant to do so, as he has healing bite wounds. He's a talker, which is always charming. He's been in a lot of fights, has tattered ear margins, and is missing a toe in addition to the recent injuries. He's pretty young, maybe a year old, and intact, and he has some ticks that he wouldn't sit still for me to remove. If he's still here tomorrow, I'll start gathering the necessary vaccines and neuter him ASAP. Can't have an unvaccinated intact male hanging around, spraying, and fighting. Poor kid. I need another outdoor cat like a hole in the head. I suppose I could try to get him a home, but the reality is that cats are hard to find homes for around here. They are always showing up, it seems.

I don't even agree with the concept of outdoor cats, but the four I already have came with the place (only after the purchase, of course!!!), and H has asthma, so they can't come indoors. They are awful predators, and I hate seeing the damage they inflict on the bird population. Dead rodents don't bother me so much, as they have such short lifespans, but the dead birds make me really unhappy.

I used to love feeding the birds in my previous homes, but I can't do that until these cats pass on. I had hoped to not add any more, but it's a farm, so it's a kitty target. They are good distractions, though, and I really do enjoy their company. My cats follow me around all the time (along with the chickens) and provide me with a lot of amusement and affection. I just feel very guilty about the damage they do.


Back to the subject at hand: It's nice to know that people here really do understand. It's also nice to know that you are out there, Blu.

No one who hasn't been through it has any real idea. I know when something similar happened to a woman I knew, I had no idea what to say or do, and I had no idea what she was going through. I do now. I wish that I could go back and give her the comfort that she needed then, but I didn't know how.

I still cling to the thought that the life H is leading now isn't the one he really wants, but right now he is convinced that what he doesn't want is me and the farm and this life in the country. Or at least that's what he says. I know that I can't believe a word that he says, though.

Thank you for your kindness, BluWave. I really appreciate it tonight.