Hi Kyh, I'm sorry about what you are going through. I'm in a similar situation with my husband. But the friendlier I behave the more surprised he is and it makes him avoid me even more. He shouted at me that at first he's the bad one and now I'm nice to him and he doesn't know what to expect. Since he says he wants our marriage to end and that's it, he is running away every time he's around me. So, I decided I will have no contact except e-mail about kids, very factual. I didn't contact him for a few days. Then he started to e-mail. He is coming to cook for kids today and take them to tennis. I'll make sure I won't be home before he comes. Our kids are teenagers which makes no contact (or rather very limited contact easier). What is your story? For how long this is going on? You must be a very nice person. My husband ignored Mother's Day. When I mentioned to him that he could at least say happy M's day as we spent the day together driving back home from a long weekend with the kids in our home country, he said he would even buy flowers and took us for dinner if he could be sure I didn't misundertand that as him wanting to be back with me!!! I personally cannot or don't want to be friends with my husband. Love him too much to be able to be friends. Especially that he sees himself married with 20 years younger girl (he is her boss) in the near future... Being friends would mean that he'll get the best from both worlds. So what would be his motivation to consider coming back?
Hi Bee,
I just saw you posted before my last reply. I'm sorry you found yourself here but you'll find a lot of good people going through the same or similar situations.
To answer your question, in a nutshell, I thought I had a great marriage so all this blind sighted me. We never argued, have two great kids, just moved to an area we had been trying to get to for awhile, bought a nice house, w just started working and things were looking good(in hindsight I can see we were in a bit of a rut though, but nothing to justify any of this. I can also see w has been depressed though, she's also dealing, or rather not dealing, with a medical issue).
At the end of last summer a friend of ours (mostly to w, I wasn't real close but her and I hung out quite a bit while she was pregnant and she stayed with us a few times, did her laundry at our house, etc.) died in an accident. It hit us both hard and I was depressed for awhile, even more so after BD which made it worse. Shortly after the accident, w started to distance from me, then told me I acted just like her parents (she didn't have a good childhood and this couldn't be further from the truth) and it just kept getting worse from there. The way I found this forum is searching several of the things she told me in one search and it was the first thing to come up. Basically before I found this place and the books, I was doing everything wrong, begging, pleading, etc. and it was making it worse. She said I was smothering and at the same tell me I was distant. lots of crazy talk. There was no winning. For example, buying flowers would get her mad at me, try to be close and she'd run, give her space and she'd stay out partying. Plus she was projecting on me big time and it was making me crazy (my IC picked up on that right away). She would say how terrible I was and then turn around and say I deserved better than her. Just nuts. Everything going on matched up exactly with the MLC descriptions here and in the DR book. W wouldn't go to counseling, everything is my fault, etc. etc. I guess that's the gist of it, I could ramble for days about the things I was told and what she's done. The more you read the more you'll see common themes (e.g. death, childhood issues, fear of aging).
At this point I really don't know what I'm doing. I just know what I was doing wasn't working so I'm trying something new. But I do know if I would have tried this a month or two ago she would've ran further. The MLCer is so hard to deal with. IDK if I should be giving any advice but reach deep in and look for patience, read the DR book and about the LBS stages and MLC stages and other homework, listen to Job, and take in as much as you can from everyone here but don't forget to take care of yourself first.
Thank you for the compliment and sorry you got ignored on Mother's Day, no mother deserves that. I'm sure you've seen it's a common theme from the MLCer reading the posts. I think it really threw my w when I was nice on Mother's day as she has been extra awful to me on holidays.
I completely understand how you feel about loving your h too much to be just friends and having the best of both worlds. The advice I was given was to not let the OW take up space in my mind (easier said than done I know) and work on myself. Be a woman he'd be a fool to leave and an example to your kids.
I hope this helps, sending positive vibes your way.
