Husband Walked Out- Need Support!

[Rose888]

Thanks for the book rec. I bought it for my Kindle and have started reading it.

GAL isn't going so well this week. I'm wrapping up a big assignment at work that culminates in a business trip next week. H and I have been spending a lot of time together in the evenings.

I know it's important to keep up GAL activities, and I plan to dive back in once I get back next week. I'm working on my summer bucket list and planning our family vacation.

[LandC]

Hi Rose888,
Well it sounds like you are at least busy and planning family vacation sounds fun. I don't allow myself to think about that right now as if I think about summer/camping I will totally lose it!
Well, I emailed H and invited him over to discuss the living situation tomorrow afternoon. He emailed back and suggested meeting at a coffee shop instead. This sent me into a bit of a depressive funk for a couple hours, realizing he doesn't want to be out here at our house with only me. And I HATE the coffee shop he suggested, even on a good day meeting a friend - very noisy near road etc. So I took a walk and calmed down and realized perhaps he isn't ready to be at our house together since last time we were was the night of our fight, and since one of the things I know he needs is a feeling of safety right now, I thought about it from his point of view and thank god for email, as if it had been on the phone I most likely would have been reactive!
So I suggested another place that has a calmer outdoor area and ice cream and hopefully he'll be ok with that.
It's hard not to read too much into everything.
What's on your summer bucket list?
Today I was fantasizing about running off to work at a campground in France where I lived for a summer in 1992 w ex-French husband, his grandparents owned it at the time. ah.
it was fun when we weren't having drunken fights!
Good luck with your business trip!

[LandC]

Hi LiM,
What happened to you? where are you? what's going on?
Well, I am meeting with my H tomorrow at a public place/coffee shop.
I invited him to come out to our house as I knew I would feel most calm etc. NOT in a public place and thought he'd want to see our dog, but he suggested a cafe. Once he did I realized I had to do it 'his way' but suggested one I like better where I will be more likely to be calm/cool/collected!
We are meeting to discuss the idea of sharing our property/house/guest house. I plan to have that be the ONLY topic of conversation and to do mostly listening and little talking.
Any advice on best practices ???
I keep re-reading parts of the DR book and how she says that when M is this fragile the LBS has no room for making demands of any sort. But does that mean that I have no room for having SOME boundaries or logistical requests??? I'm a bit confused by this bit.
Look forward to hearing how it's going with you?
Did you allow your W to move back in?
THANKS

[LiM]

Hi LandC,

I posted an update in my thread this afternoon. Things are going well for us. We continue to piece our M back together. Theres lots of hurt that needs to heal but we are moving in the right direction and frankly, we are more emotionally connected now than we've probably ever been. She's been sleeping in our house for the past week and we're moving all her stuff back next week.

I've been following your sitch even though I havent been posting.
I'm glad you are getting to talk to you husband for the first time after many weeks.
I do have to say that based on what he has said to you that I feel like he may be coming back because it is what is easy for him; that he's cake eating. I feel like he wants to move back because it will be financially easier and you guys can be friends. Is that what you want? A friend? Or do you want your husband back?

I agree that its important not to be making any demands right now. But boundaries are different. Boundaries on limitations on how you are willing to be treated. As a wife and as a person. You deserved to be treated with respect and to not be taken advantage of. These are conditions that you would place on anyone; not just your H.
Let us know how your conversation goes.

[LandC]

Hi LiM,
I did read your update.
Well, after talking to my DB coach last week, I realized a couple things:
1. I can think about all this until the cows come home, but I realized I need to see him in PERSON and see how I FEEL before I can wrap my head around the whole thing and even ponder the idea of sharing our property. Will he have softened a bit? Will he mention again that he's 'done'? Will I feel triggered?
I need to get some INTEL before I can make a decision that is right for me.
2. One thing my DB coach said was that I need to 'lean in' where my H is leaning in - and he's theoretically leaning in the direction of being friends...and DB coach also said 'once there is understanding on the table good things can happen.'

The main benefit I see in the idea of living on our property together is that I would actually SEE him and he'd have a chance to see how friggin' awesome I am, and perhaps, his core beliefs about me would start to change. Or not. Who knows.
I do know I feel I've turned a corner in past 4-5 days...now the whole 'focus on yourself' thing is starting to feel really grounded in ME, not doing it to 'get him back.' I have been calmer, hardly any crying, sure I feel sad at times, but finally feel grounded enough that I can imagine starting to look for a better job etc.
It's been like a spiritual journey in the desert. No news since April 6. If ISIS was attacking I wouldn't have a clue!
Hope they aren't!
Do you think it's ok to ask him what he meant by being 'friends'? Sometimes I think it just sounds nice in his head to assuage his guilt, or does he really want to rebuild our friendship.
The thing is I realize now that for the past 7-8 months, I have not been feeling like we were best friends and H&W, been feeling emotionally distant etc and not being my real best self.
There are a few successful DB stories I've read where the LBS decided to be an unconditional friend and that is what made the difference in finally succeeding in the M working out.
I have a gut feeling that would be our case.
My H is very smart and stays in his head a lot when his feelings are uncomfortable, which I know they must be now.
IF he THINKS about wanting to be with me, his MIND will say no, she's the problem.
But if he starts to SEE me perhaps his heart will soften.
I am rambling.
The other key thing the DB coach said was that I have to ask myself - if I do ....., will I feel resentful? And then what is the choice that leads to self respect?
I am a lot stronger than I was a month ago, so I don't want to do anything that is going to be harmful for my self respect!
Even my IC yesterday said I was taking good care of myself and that I am stronger than I was when I first saw him a month ago, he said I was an 'open wound.'
I am taking it very seriously what you said - it can't be only that it's convenient for him, there needs to be some thing beyond that. If he just wants to hang out here until he decides to file for a D, forget it!
Congratulations again to you!

[Rose888]

Many of my summer bucket items involve food--s'mores, creamees, ice cream sundaes for Sunday dinner, gazpacho, BLTs, berry pie. I want to learn how to make kickass lemonade and limeade this year.

I also want to revive my bike-riding skills, since we'll be spending three weeks in a great biking country. And I want to do a long day hike to the top of a mountain, as well as explore a new-to-me walking tour.

There are also a couple of local-ish tourist places we haven't seen yet that I'd like to see. I want to take my kids to the drive-in movies too. Most of them have never been, and the one who has was too little to remember it.

There are other things that are annual traditions, but I write them down to make sure they happen.

I really only have two months, because summer doesn't start until June here (chance of snow next week), and we'll be gone almost all of July.

Good luck with your meeting with H. I hope he agrees to your counter proposal on meeting place.

[BluWave]

Hi LandC,

I know this is hard for you. I just wanted to leave you with a couple things to think about. What if H is considering moving back but has NO interest in a M with you ever again? How would you feel about him living there? How would you feel if one day you had to see him and OW?

I know you are interested in a friendship and rebuilding, but I think what you ultimately want is a M with this man. No one can gauruntee that a friendship will lead to a M. None of us. I just want you to think--as painful as it is--what it may be like with the daily reminder that this man has left you and hurt you. Because by having him there next to you, this could very well be, and appears to be, what is going to happen. I know you don't want to hear that, but he has already told you.

You also very much want to show him your changes. How much can a person change in 5 weeks? Honestly, I have seen the same thing in your posts over the last couple weeks, and that is that you want to show him your changes, you want to end the no-contact, and you want a friendship or any R, but only in hopes it will lead to him coming back.

I would love to see that your changes are for you and YOU only. This takes time for all of us. Plus, you deserve a man that truly appreciates you and who you are, not one that you have to "show" this to. I think you deserve better than that. I would love to read more about what you are doing to move on without him and less about how you can win him back. I think that will serve you well however this turns out.

Sorry for the 2*4. I just fear that your hopes for him moving back are more to win him back. Most people agree it's not healthy to live next door to their ex--it's a painful reminder of a person that hurt you and left you. And I don't think its healthy and normal to want to be friends right away. I think it can also lead to him losing respect for you.

-Blu

[LandC]

Hi BluWave,
thank you so much for taking time to think about my situation and write that post.
I have thought long and hard about the same things you are bringing up.
Right now I have zero info on what he's thinking or feeling. So that is why I decided to meet with him and get a reading on how I feel around him, and his whole state of being - is he soft and friendly? hard, cold? WHAT?
Today my plan is only to listen to what he has to say. I am not going to make any decisions ...just listen and think about it based on what I learn today.
I've been reading about what a 'healthy' separation would look like and ideally, that is what I would like to have happen.
If he just wants to live here because it's convenient with no interest whatsoever in a future together, then that does seem like a very unhealthy choice for me!
At the same time, I do have a lot of compassion for him and while I am sad at what has happened, most of the time I am not MAD or angry. There are a lot of behaviors on my side that led to his leaving.
While I don't agree with his way of handling the situation, I do understand that he is scared and confused.
You are right that I need to be very careful to not fool myself into thinking that seeing each other more often and being 'friends' will necessarily lead to reconciliation is not wise.
But I know if I just show up today and say, if you're interested in our M then sure, we can talk about it, otherwise no, his defenses will go back up and it will be a long time before he wants to talk to me.
Today is my first opportunity to see if everything I've been doing to grow, my therapy, spiritual stuff, meditating bla bla bla has had any real impact on my internal world and my ability to be calm and confident and cool, no matter what he says or does!
I am looking at it like an acting exercise.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I have also been reading more about boundaries and self respect and know that if I get it together in that arena, I'll feel better no matter what.
THANKS for your help and advice. very helpful 2x4!

[BluWave]

Hi,

I just wanted to check in and see how the meeting with H went? I hope you were able to remain calm, listen, and take something away from it. It must not be easy to see him. Wishing you peace and strength.

-Blu

[Rose888]

LandC, I'm thinking of you. I hope your talk with H went well.