Things have been up and down these past few days and I realize we are still very much on a roller coaster while piecing. Even tho the little triggers are fading, the PTSD gets me and I lose all control. When I am triggered and we argue, I feel shaky, emotional, sick in the pit of my stomach and it's fight or flight! Which for me means FIGHT! So I need to work on taking a step back, not reacting right away, and letting myself calm down, breath, and think outside of myself. I stopped going to marriage therapy a couple months ago--just didn't see how it was helping anymore--but now H is insisting we go back. So I am thinking about that.
Last night we had a talk. I allowed myself to remain calm, ask some of the hard questions, and really listen to the answers. i let myself cry--and not that shaky, angry, frustrated cry--but deep sadness and grief. It was incredibly painful but cathartic at the same time.
He didn't tell me anything he hasn't told me before. But even a year later, some of it is still sinking in. Yes, he did this, yes he had an A, left his family, and tortured me. He made a terrible mistake and regrets it every day. The more time goes on, the more he understands just what a mistake it was. And as he answers my questions, it is the advice here that I can see makes sense. When I was cold and angry, I pushed him away. When I was cordial and just myself, he missed me. He didn't love OW--he loved how she made him feel about himself.
I need to run--kiddos have sports all day--but I just wanted to share. As hopeless as everything may feel today, life is never stagnant, and things are always changing. He is completely different person now. And the longer he is out of the fog, the more clearly he can see how distorted his life was. Who knows, maybe he would not have had this self growth without this happening.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
