What Should I be doing 3

[sandi2]

Saw WW this morning, as she was getting ready to go to fire acadamy, I told her that if she has decided that she is not willing to withdraw from academy, I would like to Tal to S16 tonight, because I don't want to tell him right before I leave. My plan is to go stay at moms next weekend if she doesn't withdraw... She said that we need to have discussion before talking to S and she stated that she only has 2 1/2 months of academy left (delaying) and why can't we wait til then to work something out (more of a statement than question).

Don't make the focus of your statements too much about the academy/firefighting. The focus is about no contact, whatsoever, with OM. Firefighting is not the real problem, but it becomes a problem b/c of the connection with OM.

I think the conversation she wants to have, will be to agree with what is said to the son. The WW does not want to appear as the bad guy to her children, and will want to conceal the truth about her affair. My opinion is that the H not take the fall for the breakup, but neither does he have to strip his W naked to his teenage son. If she wants to agree on what to tell him, I think you should tell her that you will agree to tell him that his mother and and dad are having marital problems, and that is all he has to know right now. Tell her that if she says anything to implicate you as being the bad guy in any of this......then you will tell your son everything.

Hard ball? You bet! Trust me, she will try to make your son believe you are jealous and don't want her working as a firefighter. So, yes, hold her feet to the fire.

There are differences of opinion about exposure. There was only one time (maybe twice) I advised it several years ago (that I can recall). In your case, if I were to do it, I would only tell OM's W. I would not be hasty in telling your mother.......or even her mother, at the moment. Those who are pro-exposure may not agree. Speaking as a former WW, exposure can put some boulders in the road back home...........especially telling your mother and hers. Of course, if there is a divorce, I suppose it wouldn't matter.

I feel there are very few exceptions of full out exposure that would cause a WW to fall in the arms of her H. It may bust up an affair.........or push the AP's together. If your W and OM have not gone PA, his W might put a a hot branding iron to his playtime. but then, she might leave him and he'd be more available for your W. It is a big gamble.

I just don't think you have to do it at this point. Yes, she's going to test you. She will try to figure a way around it. But you also need to realize that up until today, you were willing to just put the whole thing behind and start fresh with a new R. Isn't that what she suggested.......and if I recall correctly, she was pulling you in pretty good.

She has to see if you really mean it. She will feel some pressure today. She'll talk about it the the OM.

Hold firm, and do not give ultimatums. Do not give threats. You have told her that you would not live in a M of three people. See what she does this weekend. Don't discuss it anymore. If she approaches you.......listen. Stick to what I suggested, if she wants to talk to son.......and make darn sure you are present.

If she says she will withdraw, do I say something like "I understand that it was a very difficult decision for you to do that, it shows me that you are committed to working on us"? willing to do what is necessary to get out M headed in the right direction.". Also, at that point do I give space, validate and continue with GAL alone or invite her to join?

You see, even of she agrees to stop attending the academy, it does not mean she is committed to the M. When I was wayward, it would drive me crazy and I would be so cold and hateful whenever my H jumped to conclusions........just b/c I made one small move. I have found other H's to have the same type of mindset. You have to understand that she is faced with two major decisions. One is to end all manner of contact with OM, That requires one of them to leave the academy and firehouse. If OM won't, then it is on her. Now get this, Coconut.........she may make the choice very reluctantly!! I made my choice reluctantly, too. I had zero desire or interest in my MR.....and I sure didn't feel some big commitment. So I suggest you be careful about taking this to mean too much, before she can get there. She won't feel much of anything but the strong craving to contact OM. She has to get through one thing at a time.

Continue to GAL. Yes, invite her along, too. It will be a fragile period. She will need to stay very busy, doing family activities and fun things with you (no romantic, intimate stuff for a while). Do not smother her, but she doesn't need extensive alone time, until she has completely gone the through the withdrawals of the affair. And...........she will go into a depression. She has given up what she loved doing.........and the affair. Her depression could turn to even stronger resentment toward you. That is why it's important that she feels she made a choice.