So lot's going on in your sitch, anxiety and fears are high, and things are changing quickly! Deep breaths. Try and take this day by day.
I want to leave you with this, because my own sitch is all I really know; for me this has been a rollercoaster for years. The year leading up to DB I can see now where things were falling apart. I can even look beyond that and there were signs way back when. When he first gave up and while he was gone was the hardest. This last year, the piecing, has also proved to be up and down. There will be a few weeks when things settle, we feel close, and I start to feel hopeful, and then BAM--a big fight and my PDSD kicks in. Then there was last night where we had this nice talk--a lot of information was exchanged, a lot of tears and raw emotions, but no one yelled or attacked. It was hard to hear some of it, but we all need the truth, painful or not.
So why am I telling you all of this? Just to highlight that things--people, feelings, life--is ever changing. Your sitch is still relatively new. It's only been a short while that you have even had to think about "what if my M was over?" That is heavy stuff! You have a life and a family with this man! You are still dealing with the anxiety and fear that that is even a possibility some day. So go easy on yourself.
Take it day be day. Try and be gentle on yourself and H. You didn't get to this place over night--maybe over months or years--and it could take longer to come out on the other side. Try and understand that if this is truly what both of you want, it can work. Try and be open to taking care of you before him and understand your own value. Try and really listen and understand him and how he got here.
Most importantly, stop and smell the roses. Those little moments--for you and him, or just for you--are where some of the best healing takes place.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
