Well ain't that just a kick in the azz. Just found out I'm not invited to watch my D make her graduation walk. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, her and I had a tough 6 mos to a year but this girl has lived with me full time since the 1st grade, next to her Mom I am most responsible for he being in this position.
I want to say something to the W about this. She is the adult here she should see that this is just wrong but I know from all I learned this is not the time to initiate this or any serious conversation. I'll bite my tongue and run my pain away tomorrow.
It just hurts these kids have no idea what I still do for them, they've stayed on my medical insurance, I give their Mom extra $ on top of child support to help them out because their real Dad has never had a job or $ to do or provide anything for them. Guess who gets to go to graduation though?
Sorry, just needed to vent, I'm getting crapped on from all angles and I'm reaching my breaking point. I was doing real well with my DB'ing this has the potential to really throw me off track, I'm deeply hurt by this slight.
Been up since 3am, first really restless night in weeks. Can't stop my mind from racing. So many things I want to say to the W regarding this graduation situation. Have a feeling today I may let it rip, dam the consequences!
Quick update, I decided to let the graduation rant go. I did quickly express my disapointment in not being able to see her walk but let it go after that.
My W and I in our interactions have been getting along surprisingly well. I mean really well. I make her laugh again and we discuss things in relation to our S better than ever before.
Still no discussion of R and I know she will never be the one to start it since she is the one who set all of this in motion but I really am starting to feel she is hoping I open that door. Her body language says so our interactions say so. There is no A in our split so there is none of that to deal with but I don't know if I should actually be the one who broaches the topic of are you sure this is still what you want to do. Should I feel her out on MC?
I'd hate to take giant steps back if I am misreading, GAL and DB'ing has been going so well, I could really use some advice from the more experienced forum members out there, please help!
I think since you are here, you want ur M to work. She doesn't want you, Hence you being here. You should know without a shadow of a doubt if she wants to make efforts to work on the marriage. It sounds like you are doing well. Do not trust her words and half actions. When I am unsure of 'signs' I ask myself two questions. 1. What would I do if I was her and wanted to repent, repair, apologize, and show that I wanted to commit to M. 2. What is the min I would accept from her, taking into consideration the answer to question 1. If I don't see that starting, I'm not buying it, and if and when I do, I would still slow roll it for weeks or months.. Earlier on in this mess, I said if she shows up at my place at a time we could be alone from kids, with a 6 pack and a bucket of chicken and some sincerity and resentment and an apology, I would allow a discussion. Guess what, that never happened, and things have changed a little in my answering if the questions.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Still no discussion of R and I know she will never be the one to start it since she is the one who set all of this in motion but I really am starting to feel she is hoping I open that door. Her body language says so our interactions say so. There is no A in our split so there is none of that to deal with but I don't know if I should actually be the one who broaches the topic of are you sure this is still what you want to do. Should I feel her out on MC?
I'd hate to take giant steps back if I am misreading, GAL and DB'ing has been going so well, I could really use some advice from the more experienced forum members out there, please help!
My experience is that the most confusion comes at the very beginning and the very end of all of this.
I would classify you still at the start end of the pool.
So her being confused is not surprising.
Odds are you are mis-reading her body language and until she is ALL IN on your marriage, you don't have one.
As far as knowing whether their is an affair or not, I think it matters little. She could have a make believe affair partner that only exists in her head and you will have no way to know that.
Have you read the homework? Especially pursuit and distance.
You want her to pursue YOU, not the other way around.
Thanks for the feedback. I agree I am at the very beginning of this, I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, I sometimes need to be reminded. Time is my friend and I will continue with the process
In the back of my head I already knew I should not be initiating anything, I guess I just wanted some affirmation. Patience has always been something I've struggled with, I need it now more than ever.
So last night the W and I talked during dropoff, we have a court appearance on Tuesday, so we started discussing that and before I know it we are knee deep in a serious discussion about everything. I let her know how hurt I was about not being asked to attend graduation ceremonies, she knew it was wrong and admitted as much, she let it be known she is still having trouble with the bitterness she feels and it gets in the way of her doing the right thing. I validated all she had to say and told her I knew it was probably difficult to come to that but I just wanted to let it be known that I was affected by it
I saw this as a chance, and still not sure if it was the right time or not, to let her know I was setting up boundaries going forward. I accepted her decision to leave and while I didn't agree with it I understood it was her decision and out of my control. I told her going forward since we are living separately she needed to be responsible for all her financials . No help from me with the rent or other bills. She gets plenty of CS from me and she should use it wisely. She needed to put the step kids on her insurance policy now and not have me still be their primary financial provider. I empowered her by telling her I know she was a strong capable woman and she can make this work and that this was all part of being independent and free.
She understood everything and all this was done in a civil manner with nothing but respect. It wasn't a lecture it was a free flowing conversation and it couldn't have went better. I know I saw it in her eyes that the reality of it all set in. She would have to budget, she knew I would not be there to bail her out if she overspent, it hit her it was all up to her.
I love my W and hope for the best for her, I told her none of that last night of course but I am now understanding that our M or any chance of R is less than slim to none. Not sure how I know this I just do. I'm saddened by it and of course I'm not giving up per se I'm just moving on.
Been a good week of GAL'ing only saw the W once during our court appearance on Tuesday. We talked albeit briefly but cordially, also little texts back and forth mostly about S. Graduation is tonight I'm still peeved about not being there but I voiced my opinion and left it at that. Overall I feel good. The house is on the market, I have a great new apt to move into soon. My S is so much looking forward to the extra time we will have together during the summer. All in all I'm doing the best I can. Once I decided to stop worrying about all the verbal and non-verbal interactions between us it just became easier to deal with That's not to say it doesn't hurt cause it does, I still don't sleep through the night and there are those quiet times when the lonliness overwhelms you but I make it a point not to let it fester long. I have no idea what the W is thinking about how her life is going right now, if she regrets anything or is thinking about R and you know what, I'm ok with that. If some day she does broach the subject I'll deal with it then if not I know now I will be fine in the long run. I've lost 40 lbs now and am back to what I weighed in High School, it hasn't gone unnoticed by the opposite sex as I have been flirted with/hit on a few times this past week but I'm not ready for that yet, still it was nice. It's funny how random and unpredictable life can be it's also quite amazing at what you can make of life when you focus on the right things and what you and only you can control.
