WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

[J5K]

Sadhub,

I have one more session also. I am holding off until the bitter end to use it. I don't know what to do either. Unless I end up just folding and give STBX everything she wants there is no chance for even a good "friends" relationship with her.

Unfortunately I see no more hope in the short term. We are fixers to W's that don't want to be fixed. No rock bottom for them yet. Now I understand why this is a long process and a 50/50 shot at getting them back.

[vise82]

Hey Sadhub,

I am in your boat no EA that was reciprocated (guy is gay) and no PA. But in her heart she held a dream of OM.

Sandi used to tell me that W was WW because how how her heart is hardened ect. Very hard and confusing on what to do with me seeing a WAW and WW tendencies. You almost have to pick one mode of going forward and stick with it. I kept flip flopping between the two ways to DB (WAW or WW). It was very confusing to W.

[CWOL]

No movement on D. She is refusing to sign off on finance agreement set up over a month ago because she is getting non legal advice. She says one thing then another and on and on and on. It is creating a limbo for me that is wearing me out. She wants to leave and every day she adds to her anger and resentment because she can't make a decision and accept what she has chosen. She continues to speak with folks that throw gas on the fire and it is just making me crazy. I know it is her circus, but I am somehow trapped in her tent and I can't get out.

Hang in there. At least you're not having to basically provide for your W's entire upkeep like me. What's worse for me is she's using it to battle against me. I'm not sure why your W does not want to use her L? Negotiating these things between you directly will just make it even more difficult, as I've found out myself.

[Phoebe]

SadHub, I am so sorry that I missed your post on Friday night! We were typing at the same time, and I was writing about your earlier post. I just caught a reference to the odd texts and went back to see what they were about and came across our cross-posts. Again, I am so sorry that I didn't offer you any words of comfort when you really needed them.

Those waves of unexplained emotion just come out of the blue. I had my own wave knock me flat last Thursday. It was the same thing. I was just feeling a little off, and then suddenly I was back into total breakdown mode, the whole 9 yards. There really is no fighting it off, and fighting it doesn't help anyway. Stuffing a cork in it just makes the next explosion bigger. I just took the stupid Xanax and let the wave wash over me, as there is no stopping it once it starts.

The only way out is through. Or "If you're going through he11, keep going!"

Anyway, I know that things are off kilter for you. Your life has been turned upside down. You have to see the source of your pain all the time, so you can't ever really escape it. I can totally understand why you are eager to have your WAW just leave already!!!

You have made so much progress and you are doing great. Just expect that you will be hit by these waves sometimes, and that they don't necessarily have an obvious source. Just let them come and they will pass and become less frequent, like ripples on water. In the beginning, the ripples are just more like tsunamis! Hold on to something (a pencil?!) and let them roar on through. Over time, they will get smaller and less frequent. Take the meds for the tsunamis, though.

I hope that you have a good day today. I'll check in on you later tonight.

[Phoebe]

OK, now I'm all caught up SadHub. Sorry to hear that you're stuck in the dang circus tent. (Though I did have to laugh at the image of it - you still have a good sense of humor!)

Like I said above, grab ahold of something solid and hang on for dear life. Go to your lovely D5's school program and enjoy every blessed second of rest and peace that you can vacuum up while you are there. Bask in the happiness you see in the children.

Is there any way that you can carve out a block of time that would give you a complete break from your W for a couple days? Maybe arrange schedules so that you could have a solid block without any contact at all with her? You really do need and deserve a few days without all the drama. Can you set a boundary wherein you pick up D5 in a situation where D5 is safe and your W is not present, like at school or something? Can you and the girls go away for a couple days together, say go camping or on a mini-break?

Plainly the D is stalled out for a bit while she gripes and stalls and avoids talking to her L. Nothing you do will hasten the process, so try to set it aside for a bit and just focus on getting yourself some physical distance and time away.

[SH_]

Good morning. I slept well, and feel tired this morning but I am excited. I am looking forward to a good day and ended yesterday on a great note.
This is a moment that I am living in as I feel peace and joy.

Ralph,
Your comment that there is a fantasy really makes sense. Alas I know you are right that even without a known EA/PA that my WAW is chasing a fantasy. I believe it is a fantasy that she perceives due to her family living a life she wishes she had although she wants to stay ignorant to any of the facts below the surface. I think her fantasy is being blurred with going through the D proceedings and much of her anger stems from that. But I know that none of this can continue to play in my mind, because it does not help me be who I need to be. I have to stop with the ongoing desire to understand why this is happening. My heart knows this, my mind tries to wander. Thank you for flicking me in the ear and reminding me that I am not the only one in the sitch where the WAS is not necessarily involved with another person.

Jimkao,
Hang in there my friend. Your sitch with so many young ones is a challenging one and her not really giving you sound reasons is a tough thing. You are doing great all things considered. Let me know how your last coaching session goes if you follow up on it. I believe I will as I know Dbing is not just to save a MR, but it is to save us individually.

Vise,
I think sandi is right. The hardened heart is certainly what we are dealing with. Each interaction I see it more and more. My Bishop at church used the exact term and he is the only person I am aware of that has spoken with both of us and heard 2 sides of the story. I am learning how to not react in her presence and am praying daily that her heart may be softened so we can speak as mature adults. Until then, we must become better persons ourselves.

CWOL,

My friend. You have been a great support checking in regularly with me. You have a truly difficult sitch and my heart breaks knowing the toll it takes on you. Divorce laws really need to be re evaluated as they are so one sided in many places, and this makes no sense. I am fortunate that my state keeps it even. Funny thing is that she is still finding ways to kick and scream and claim she is getting screwed. I see why D is so messy. When there is such a victim mentality, there is going to be a fight, because no rationale will ever add up for the one with the victim mind frame. She claims she is divorcing me because I made her a victim to who I am, she left my family, because she was a victim in it, she is a victim because d17 does not want to live with her and on and on it goes.
But I digress.

Phoebe,
Your support is my saving grace each day. No need to apologize for missing a previous post and offering comfort. Just the opportunity to read your thread and see any post on mine has provided me strength each day. God works in mysterious ways, and meeting you via this forum is certainly an answer to my prayer. Your words of wisdom, support and the 2x4's that you provide all help keep my perspective. This is so valuable for me and words typed can not thank you enough. I know you will be there each day to lift my spirits simply with your presence in my and your threads here in this forum.
I am working to figure a plan to take my d's away for a short time where we can just be together and away. Away time is really a needed thing.
Thank you Phoebe for all that you have done for me in your support.

I will provide some journaling for the latter half of yesterday and my day today later this evening as I must get going and get this day started.

Have a wonderful day each of you that read this and those that have shared support for me. Be sure to GAL today if even just a little. You will thank yourselves for it.

[Rose888]

SadHub, I just saw the reference to your bishop having heard both sides of the story, and that made me wonder if you are part of the religion I was raised in.

Is this a situation where she has left the faith and you are still in it?

I have seen some people go through really intense and long angry phases when leaving a high-demand religion. Marriages often don't survive, and it really does have less to do with the marriage itself and more about the marriage getting caught up in the religious issue.

Apologies if I am way off base.

[Phoebe]

Good morning to you, SadHub! I am really glad that you are looking into some away time with your girls. Any time outside the circus tent is going to do you a world of good.

It has done wonders for me, although today I've been wondering if it isn't time to go back inside and subject myself to the second act. It'll be coming whether I'm wanting to watch it or not.

I guess I'll choose some time for healing right now, even if it is pure denial.

I hope that you have a good day today with lots of smiles and laughter.

[SH_]

Hi rose,

Actually the situation with the religion is a part of the challenge but from a different point.

We were both raised in the same and our families are active in the faith. I served a mission for the church before we were married, but I had wavered in my faith off and on when I met her. She attended but more from habit than from conviction.

We married and then attended actively, but I continued to struggle and she would say things like she wanted to look at other churches as she felt they all taught the same thing. Her twin sister was the only member of her family to marry outside of the church and I think that was an influence to her.

About 5 years into our MR, we had some tough times and I remember after a particularly nasty argument, I left to cool off and was in my car praying and seeking guidance. After a time and things just not seeming to get better I basically swore off my desire to attend church. I felt very alone.

Weirdly things seem to get better in our MR and over sometime, my W stopped attending and we both were not active with church.

Many years went on and we did not really have religion as part of our lives. Then about 2 years ago, WAW decides to return to church. I support her, but am not ready myself. She said she wanted our d5 to learn of God. I agree that this would be good for d5. D17 does not want to attend as she was sorting out her own beliefs at the time as well.
During this time I am doing a lot of work on myself and self improvement. I am really actively engaged in trying to do more family things as well.

Not to long ago wife asks if I will come back to church. I was still not ready, but told her I was still trying to restore my faith, but I was working on it. I really was. Too little to late. She has thrown this out at me as well as another reason for leaving.

I was true to MWD LBS and faith became a huge part of me when the BD hit. I can't say that it does not look odd to WAW, as if I am just doing it to keep her from leaving, as I am sure it does. I can't convince her that my faith has been restored, because it looks like I am just trying to get her back. So I have to just follow my heart and faith now. God works in mysterious ways.....and I was too stubborn, but now I need him more than ever and feel he has helped me through this.

So the short answer, is that she has not left the faith, but she is picking the teachings and leaders that do not confront her on the churches view of family and divorce. But I can not judge as I was not following the teachings for so many years. My heart was hard as is hers now.

I can only pray for forgiveness for my sins and lack of faith. And I pray she may soften her heart, but more importantly that she may find the peace she is seeking. I will trust in God, and believe that his plan will benefit those that follow his guidance.

It is a hard lesson to learn, but I am giving it my all to learn from it now.

[Ralph88]

God does work in mysterious ways. He has a plan, and although his desire is for our Ms to work, he also gives free will. I know my views, find my WWs views completely out of reality when attending the same service, but it is not my place to judge. I pray for guidance and the overall strength and security of my family.