DB vs DR

[AndrewP]

I'm just about finished with the Divorce Busting book. It took until chapter 6 for me to hit stuff that applied to me. The earlier chapters discussed the theory behind the philosophy and then conflict resolution. I carefully read everything because I wanted to be sure I got all the help/resources I could. It's interesting because I've been on these forums for a while now and reading the same message in the book had a somewhat stronger impact than the forums but perhaps also reinforced the message from the forums.

W and I "never" argued or had conflict over the last 20 years of our M which is why the conflict resolution tools didn't resonate with me. Unbelievable perhaps but we've always been open to each other doing their own thing. Even in my most codependent I would enable/encourage W and she would always support anything I would want to do even if she wasn't originally keen on it such as when I started wearing bow ties. In the early years we had occasional blow-ups but always treated each other with respect. In our parenting we always presented a united front to the children and even when our finances went for a crap when she was running them, there was no blaming or shaming, just working together to fix things. It's a shame that she gave up on our M without trying the same way she did on other things.

Is it worth also going through the Divorce Recovery book? I understand it's an updated version but is there a lot of new stuff to explore there as well?

I think I've turned a corner personally. I feel more "myself" than I have in a long time. Unfortunately that "self" is also scared and confused. The GAL journey has gone on for almost a month now and I think is going well but I know I have a long way to go. I also think that W has at least started to look around the corner and started to see me again with new eyes. I want to be sure that when/if she's ready to turn towards me that I'm ready to stand on my own two feet in proud possession of my own balls at that point.

One thing that has also been commented on is to keep the book "secret". The book itself mentions that it can be used alone or with your spouse. I've kept the DB book in my nightstand under my e-book reader and I don't "believe" that W has gone poking but it's not impossible that she's seen it. She's even more resistant to "self help" books than I am and I'm thinking that as long as I don't shove it at her that it might do good for her to know that I'm doing what I can to heal our marriage - which is what the cover of the book says even if the insides are more about healing yourself. It would make it easier to find time to read it as well.

This is perhaps a bit OT - but I know that MWD and the team do provide coaching services. Other than the cost (which when converted to $CDN would be substantial) there is the issue of keeping this quiet. We still have joint finances with everything open and always tell each other about each and every charge we do especially on our credit card. Are there alternative payment methods? Does MWD perhaps take a spare cat as payment? Like most families, money is tight and W is already annoyed that I've spent almost $200 already on counseling and my insurance coverage only covers Canadian licensed psychologists (my first IC was a psychotherapist - not covered). Also - I know everyone's sitch is different but would one or two phone sessions be effective in pointing me in the right directions and perhaps opening up paths that I don't know about?

Thanks.