It is so late... I have to wake up early and again, I cannot sleep...
I was thinking about our consult with the mediator and why it bothered me so much. I really do not have a thin skin when it comes to strangers. What bothered me, was that I am pretty sure that husband enjoyed seeing someone try to intimidate me. I recognize that I might be overly sensitive and stressed and mind reading. Husband did not like this guy either but I sensed some form of relish. Maybe I am crazy. I am aware that a divorce makes your spouse an opponent so why would I expect differently?
But It reminded me of an incident 6 months pre BD. Husband came with me to an MD consult. I started out by discussing my concerns and suspicions with the MD and the MD basically cut me short and said he needed labs first. (On a side note..I like this doctor. He ended up being really grandfatherly and very knowledgeable)
When we left my husband told me "I like that doctor. He put you in your place".
Now I don't know how I come across on these forums. IRL I am actually pretty calm and rational and I don't think any one would ever describe me as being someone that needs to be "put in their place". I was in agony during that consult too. I mean went to ER prior and no relief with morphine agony (kidney stone).
All I can think of is that my husband must have truly despised me, to enjoy the thought that someone was berating me. If I thought he was being insulted by someone I would have stood up for him. I can honestly say I would have stood up for a complete stranger if I thought that.
I don't know why this is bothering me now. Score keeping maybe? Sleep deprived paranoia? Coming to terms with the fact that my husband is not the person I thought he was?
I know rationally that none of this matters anymore. The focus needs to stay on me. But I fluctuate between anger and guilt and then sometimes I feel bad for him. He's weak.
