Here are notes I took from after a meeting with my IC back in april, after W met with my IC... this is what I referred to in my previous thread that "set me back". I was detaching fairly well, partially by going through the anger stage, and this conversation put me right back to "feeling sorry for her", and the "why" stage:
IC says W was searching for why she wasn’t happy. W wanted to spend time with me thinking that was the solution. Then wanting to do things away from home thinking that was the solution. Then leaving me thinking that was the solution. Her brain was all over the place, feeling a deep love one minute and then struggling with her lack of happiness the next. This also relates to her codependence, thinking I was the one thing that should have given her happiness. W built up a lot of blame toward me when she wasn't happy, not realizing her lack of happiness was not my fault, but that happiness needed to come from within herself.
Now that she has no one to blame, she will be forced to realize the problem and deal with it. Not only with emotions, but with finances, cleaning the house, managing her time, not relying on me to make those decisions for her. Having the divorce finalized is the only way for her to fully get into that healing path.
IC told me W is likely to grow (emotionally), she'll likely stop blaming me for her problems and actually own them as her own, and then realize her mistake and what she left behind.
IC went on to say that usually when relationships go through this phase, the person being left (LBS) throws in a grenade and runs as fast as they can, making it impossible to ever be back together once this growth period occurs, and they then miss out on an incredible opportunity. If I avoid that grenade, makes it actually possible and more likely that she will come around. That means being civil to her, show her I can have a good and happy life without her, be a great father, not throw grenades at any time regardless of what she says or does.
But IC says that there is absolutely no way that will be any time soon, it will likely be after at least 1 year, maybe 2, and definitely after the divorce is finalized. It will take that long for the blaming to die, for the old relationship to die, allowing us both to establish all aspects of our own life, allowing us to later come together from a position of strength. If we were to try again now, it would not work out, as the old patterns would immediately come back.
IC said W’s actions, like avoiding the sight of me at all costs, her refusal for any interaction, her looking away when I saw her at the school, her looking down when she sees people I know, is all because of her shame of what she has done, not that she is trying to be cold. All comments she has made to mom are her trying to justify in her own mind leaving me.
