Hi LiM, I did read your update. Well, after talking to my DB coach last week, I realized a couple things: 1. I can think about all this until the cows come home, but I realized I need to see him in PERSON and see how I FEEL before I can wrap my head around the whole thing and even ponder the idea of sharing our property. Will he have softened a bit? Will he mention again that he's 'done'? Will I feel triggered? I need to get some INTEL before I can make a decision that is right for me. 2. One thing my DB coach said was that I need to 'lean in' where my H is leaning in - and he's theoretically leaning in the direction of being friends...and DB coach also said 'once there is understanding on the table good things can happen.'
The main benefit I see in the idea of living on our property together is that I would actually SEE him and he'd have a chance to see how friggin' awesome I am, and perhaps, his core beliefs about me would start to change. Or not. Who knows. I do know I feel I've turned a corner in past 4-5 days...now the whole 'focus on yourself' thing is starting to feel really grounded in ME, not doing it to 'get him back.' I have been calmer, hardly any crying, sure I feel sad at times, but finally feel grounded enough that I can imagine starting to look for a better job etc. It's been like a spiritual journey in the desert. No news since April 6. If ISIS was attacking I wouldn't have a clue! Hope they aren't! Do you think it's ok to ask him what he meant by being 'friends'? Sometimes I think it just sounds nice in his head to assuage his guilt, or does he really want to rebuild our friendship. The thing is I realize now that for the past 7-8 months, I have not been feeling like we were best friends and H&W, been feeling emotionally distant etc and not being my real best self. There are a few successful DB stories I've read where the LBS decided to be an unconditional friend and that is what made the difference in finally succeeding in the M working out. I have a gut feeling that would be our case. My H is very smart and stays in his head a lot when his feelings are uncomfortable, which I know they must be now. IF he THINKS about wanting to be with me, his MIND will say no, she's the problem. But if he starts to SEE me perhaps his heart will soften. I am rambling. The other key thing the DB coach said was that I have to ask myself - if I do ....., will I feel resentful? And then what is the choice that leads to self respect? I am a lot stronger than I was a month ago, so I don't want to do anything that is going to be harmful for my self respect! Even my IC yesterday said I was taking good care of myself and that I am stronger than I was when I first saw him a month ago, he said I was an 'open wound.' I am taking it very seriously what you said - it can't be only that it's convenient for him, there needs to be some thing beyond that. If he just wants to hang out here until he decides to file for a D, forget it! Congratulations again to you!
