Ok. So I just read the some stuff on the pursuer and distancer. I realize now I have definitely continued in many ways not even realizing it. This is the struggle I am having right now especially living together. Some of W problems was that I didn't do my share around the house and didn't support her. So how do balance this yet at the same time showing her that I'm doing my part and wanting to support her as well?
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
In my eyes there is a difference between controlling and protective. You absolutely should offer an umbrella of protection over your family. You should try to guide them from dangers and people that are poisonous. There is nothing wrong with considering your family 'yours'. Controlling to me is telling them what to eat, wear, do etc.
But right now however she is not yours, because she is choosing to not be in your family.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Yes Ralph That's the confusing part One minute she says stuff that would be a family thing in the future The next it's like just gonna be friends, co-parent and go our separate ways Which is why I really have to expect nothing and just focus on what I'm working on
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
She still sees promise in you, which is why she sends conflicting messages and hasn't fully left yet -- but *right now* she's not feeling it.
That puts you in a terrible place that is very hard to deal with because the attitude she is adopting towards you makes it nearly impossible for you to adopt the right attitude towards her.
The "not doing enough around the house" is a petty complaint. No one marries someone because they look like they're going to do a lot around the house. That's a red herring and I wouldn't chase that right now. Don't be lazy, but don't overdo it.
Originally Posted By: cbtdad
You are so correct. My insecurities have been a turn off for a long time for her. I can see that now. The thing is I am so confident in so many other areas of my life. It's why I have been doing so many other things lately. Getting away from the house, etc
Unfortunately none of the other areas of life matter. I'm sure she feels like if she tells you goodbye, you're going to cling onto her leg. I'm sure that if you told her goodbye, you both know that she would be relieved because she didn't have to be the one to make the choice.
Originally Posted By: cbtdad
Last night we were at an event on our hometown. We were having some drinks and it came up about where things were with us.
How does that just "come up"? You should be avoiding R talks so if that comes up I would change the subject or sidestep it.
Originally Posted By: cbtdad
She said shes been telling me to get out and do more things for a long time now.
...because she wants to be relieved of the relationship pressure, she wants your spotlight off of her.
Originally Posted By: cbtdad
She also said that she feels like she would be good telling our S that we are friends. Like that mommy and daddy and tried, but we are better as friends. Of course right before that she said she wouldn't be there if she didn't think there was a chance. One minute she says things that would involve the future, the next moment she will say things that make me think whats the point and why are we even acting like there is a chance. Those are the times that its hard for me not to react obviously and I have to get better at it
"A chance" could be 1 in 1,000,000 so I wouldn't balance that against her statement that she just wants to be friends right now.
I will give you my painfully honest advice -- I went through a similar trajectory where I reconciled for three years and then ultimately ended up divorced. During that three years I was the best husband and father I could be and I have no regrets about my behavior, I did not initiate R talks, I did not pursue, snoop, or try to control, yet still I ended up divorced.
When a partner in a relationship is "done" which I would argue your wife was, it is very, very, very hard to evolve back to "passionately engaged". They simply cannot will themselves to rekindle those feelings, as much as they may want to.
The only way to re-engage is that there has to be a great leveling of the playing field, a dramatic push of the reset button if you will. They need to view you not as someone who they reluctantly agreed to reconcile with, but as a vital, new prospect for a wonderful life together.
Unfortunately I believe, and others may argue, is that YOU will need to make things worse before they can get better. YOU will need to initiate a separation, and the two of you will need to maintain separate residences.
I'm talking about putting all your chips on the table on this one -- sell the house if you need to. To her, you need to appear to be grabbing the handlebars and taking control of this situation. Not controlling her, but driving what the next step will be in the relationship.
Outwardly, you then need to project that you mutually agreed to separate. Do not make her "the bad guy" to anyone. Just take all the pressure, blame and responsibility off of her.
Then, go as dark as you can and give her a chance to miss you, while you go out and life the best life you can live. Let her evaluate you against all her other options. There's a reason she picked you initially, let her pick you again.
I know that is BRUTALLY hard, particularly with a 3 year old, but if you don't take charge NOW and make a major change, you are going to slowly swirl down the drain in a "death by 1,000 cuts" dynamic. You can see that writing on the wall and you know it.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Wow Acc!! Yes, clearly you have been through this before. And that was brutally honest and I appreciate it. Did you the first page of my thread? The one were she was texting her friend that's shes not sure she ever loved me since the last time. And that she is scared to leave and to stay. We have a 6 year old(guess I need to update my signature. lol) So yes what you are suggesting is exactly what I have thought about doing. The only reason I haven't is because of our 6 year old. I'm so torn myself, because you are right, I see the writing on the wall and know it. I know even if this works now and something doesn't drastically change then we are just delaying the inevitable. Both of us are. The only reason I have hope is because I/we have been happy during these 3 years at times when things are working well. I just think this time it's built up so much in us that it's really tough to turn that corner. I talked with my IC about this yesterday. I'm giving it through June basically. I'm going to work on me. If I see some changes in her along the way then we will go from there. But if we still have the dynamic we have now, then I am leaving. That's plan You are also correct about wanting me to say good bye so she doesn't have to. That's why Ive said some of the things I said last week. It's because I knew how she was feeling and I figured if I said it at the time it might actually allow her to me instead of the just unknown All I'm gonna do from here on out is detach best I can and continue to improve me.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Sounds good cbtdad, sorry you're in this spot! The only reason I might encourage you to separate residences sooner is because you *do* still have a chance. She obviously still sees something in you, and to your point you still have good times. You're just at a point of crisis right now.
It feels like she has a strong desire to "get away" right now that she's struggling with, and I think you're best served over the long term by letting her have that freedom.
With your son connecting you and a memory of the good times you've had these last three years, plus the changes you've made, you will *eventually* paint a pretty compelling picture to return to and at that point you will need to make her work to get you.
My greatest fear is that if you ride it out for the next six weeks, through the end of June, that her "flee" desire will grow and you will erode your advantage, which will prolong her reflection time because there will be more damage to repair before she can look back and realize what she's lost.
Therefore, I would blow things up NOW and proceed through the next six weeks on the basis that you *are* separating, by your decision. You can always reverse that if she gives you a reason to, but I would "open the cage door" immediately, as it were, and allow her to feel relieved such that the reset process can begin now.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Acc as much as I want to do that I must admit I'm afraid to do that for my 6 year old. W is starting paramedic school next week and I work in car business. To be separate right now would be extremely tough on not just us, but especially him My goal and maybe you can give me some ideas as well, is to be gone when she is at the house. This will actually be easier starting next week when she starts school as well. For instance I'm about to get off work. Normally I would go home cook dinner for us and hang out with her, etc Instead I'm going to meet up with a friend to shoot pool for a few hours I completely understand what you are saying, but I just think it would be really difficult at the moment. So my goal is to give her all the space I can I take my son out as much as I can as well Also, she texts me stuff troughout the day. Little jokes hear and there as well just what's going on troughout the day How would you handle this?
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Cbtdad, Acc is saying that you can procrastinate as much as you want, you will only make things worse.
Rather 2 months of pain for your child than a lifetime of unhappy parents. You must close your eyes and jump. Your families happiness depends on you and the decision that you will make.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
