I made many lists. Things I have done wrong is already listed. But at the time of making the lists, I did not have the insight I do now about the causes. I guess I could go back over the lists, but sounds like reliving the nightmare, so I choose to not go there.
Is she a woman I loved? That's one of the questions. Or just the shell of one? Her true colors peeked out only once in a while, until BD and then they came out? She pretended to be something she was not? She resented me for the role she chose and thought I forced upon her?
The blame doesn't feel good... Whether pointed at her or myself. It feels like poison, as my IC said, it is like taking poison hoping the other person will die.
The self realization has caused countless hours of crying.... Especially the first 4 months, when I searched only for my contributions to the failure of the M, before I found this site. This is when I bought "codependence no more." I actually bought "his needs her needs" but never actually stated reading that one, no R to work on in the immediate future anyway.
Ironic that my self respect is actually one of the things W hated (or envied?) about me.
More example of my actions... She is posting bad stuff about me on Facebook. I have never mentioned anything about her on mine, even indirect. Even with all the hurt, I know it will go away, so I have offered MC all along regardless of the frustration I have felt. I don't ever want her to know I feel bitter. I don't really want anyone to know I feel bitter. So I vent it here instead. I should probably go back to venting in my own journal instead of here.
More irony... What I post here is different than what I talk to others about. I tell friends she left me, what she did feels wrong, but I truly feel sorry for her. I was discussing this with my father just last night. He is black and white on right/wrong. I told him that W had issues she hadn't dealt with that caused some of this, it's not her fault. He was not 100% buying into it, so I stopped.
