Need some help from the DB community! Crunch Time!

[Accuray]

She still sees promise in you, which is why she sends conflicting messages and hasn't fully left yet -- but *right now* she's not feeling it.

That puts you in a terrible place that is very hard to deal with because the attitude she is adopting towards you makes it nearly impossible for you to adopt the right attitude towards her.

The "not doing enough around the house" is a petty complaint. No one marries someone because they look like they're going to do a lot around the house. That's a red herring and I wouldn't chase that right now. Don't be lazy, but don't overdo it.

You are so correct. My insecurities have been a turn off for a long time for her. I can see that now. The thing is I am so confident in so many other areas of my life. It's why I have been doing so many other things lately. Getting away from the house, etc

Unfortunately none of the other areas of life matter. I'm sure she feels like if she tells you goodbye, you're going to cling onto her leg. I'm sure that if you told her goodbye, you both know that she would be relieved because she didn't have to be the one to make the choice.

Last night we were at an event on our hometown. We were having some drinks and it came up about where things were with us.

How does that just "come up"? You should be avoiding R talks so if that comes up I would change the subject or sidestep it.

She said shes been telling me to get out and do more things for a long time now.

...because she wants to be relieved of the relationship pressure, she wants your spotlight off of her.

She also said that she feels like she would be good telling our S that we are friends. Like that mommy and daddy and tried, but we are better as friends.
Of course right before that she said she wouldn't be there if she didn't think there was a chance.
One minute she says things that would involve the future, the next moment she will say things that make me think whats the point and why are we even acting like there is a chance.
Those are the times that its hard for me not to react obviously and I have to get better at it

"A chance" could be 1 in 1,000,000 so I wouldn't balance that against her statement that she just wants to be friends right now.

I will give you my painfully honest advice -- I went through a similar trajectory where I reconciled for three years and then ultimately ended up divorced. During that three years I was the best husband and father I could be and I have no regrets about my behavior, I did not initiate R talks, I did not pursue, snoop, or try to control, yet still I ended up divorced.

When a partner in a relationship is "done" which I would argue your wife was, it is very, very, very hard to evolve back to "passionately engaged". They simply cannot will themselves to rekindle those feelings, as much as they may want to.

The only way to re-engage is that there has to be a great leveling of the playing field, a dramatic push of the reset button if you will. They need to view you not as someone who they reluctantly agreed to reconcile with, but as a vital, new prospect for a wonderful life together.

Unfortunately I believe, and others may argue, is that YOU will need to make things worse before they can get better. YOU will need to initiate a separation, and the two of you will need to maintain separate residences.

I'm talking about putting all your chips on the table on this one -- sell the house if you need to. To her, you need to appear to be grabbing the handlebars and taking control of this situation. Not controlling her, but driving what the next step will be in the relationship.

Outwardly, you then need to project that you mutually agreed to separate. Do not make her "the bad guy" to anyone. Just take all the pressure, blame and responsibility off of her.

Then, go as dark as you can and give her a chance to miss you, while you go out and life the best life you can live. Let her evaluate you against all her other options. There's a reason she picked you initially, let her pick you again.

I know that is BRUTALLY hard, particularly with a 3 year old, but if you don't take charge NOW and make a major change, you are going to slowly swirl down the drain in a "death by 1,000 cuts" dynamic. You can see that writing on the wall and you know it.

Acc