Zephyr... I actually honestly 100% love your long posts, they are awesome!
Since my last post yesterday, I stopped and started thinking... I am venting nothing but negatives on this site.... Why? Is that all I am? So, you hit the nail on the head with your reply. The proverbial 2x4 to my noggin.
In my IC's defense, she pushes me hard to stop letting W "drive my bus" or "renting a room in my head to her." I missed last week appt because of mediation. This last session I steered to be totally about W. Understanding helps bring closure. I repeat in my head "I didn't break her, I can't fix her." Then I question if she is really broken, or just cruel. I read a little more, yep she is broken.
The OFP, the horrible things she said to get it, you have no idea what that does to a guy's self esteem. She says I r@ped her the entire M!!! In her own handwriting! 2 days prior to writing that, she was venting about stuff that bottlered her, but said the S was great. Why? She tells social services I am a good father, while trying to keep my kids from me. She files for an OFP and then says she is interested in reconciling. I offer MC, she says she's not interested in reconciling.
I am at my parents house, no money, no toys. She has the house and every dime I make going into it, plus she's out spending money so there's none left for me to buy gas to get to work, or checks will bounce.
I walk around and she pops in my head. Did I love her? Do I blame her? Or feel sorry for her? Please get out of my head!
As I stated to my IC, I'll put here also.... All the things that are going right in my life, I don't need help with them, I therefore don't talk about them, they just "are". One thing I think will really kick start my healing is getting my house back. Projects are my passion, always have been. They vary from home repairs, home upgrades, landscaping, vehicle repairs, modifying toys for the kids, building mechanical stuff, etc. My parents home is not a place for that, it is clutter stacked to the ceiling everywhere you look and you can't find anything. I don't have my toys, but hope to soon. The toys I have, the weather has been crappy. I was planning to get out this weekend but the weather is crappy again.
I am an introvert. I do not have plans to change that. I don't think I can change that. I don't mind being alone. Unfortunately the codependency thing is right there with it, my own constant internal battle.
I talk about hate, revenge, her being stupid... But every step of the way, in my actions, I take the high road (agreed to OFP and offered her the house, offered MC, filed D only to protect myself and bring closure, I haven't spread rumors about her even though her friends have spread them about me, I say nothing bad about her to the kids even though she is saying stuff about me to them), and I am proud of the actions I have taken. I am not proud of my feelings.
