OFP, there are so many things I want to say...you have a ton of questions, that I am sorry will likely go unanswered. that is going to be part of your ability to move forward...living with uncertainty. I get how hard that is, believe me...I do.
The anger that comes through is thick. vengeance, proving something to her, PAYBACK...those are all retaliations...is that going to help you move forward. Even if you were able to destroy her in some form of revenge, would that make you feel any better about you as a man. would that help your children grow to become the best people they can be. No I suspect it wouldn't. it would never heal that damage you have in your heart right now. This is a woman that you have loved for the better part of your life, right...how will that help you?
Time will help you, but not by itself. it starts with learning to accept that you are not worthy of the treatment that you've received. You must learn to accept that. period. forget the blame, that does not matter...move past that. self-love will follow. you will learn all those areas of you have become an imperfect mate yourself...and learn to improve on those areas of your life. Really that is part of the personal growth aspect of this wonderful community that I love the most. Whether we win our wives back or not, becoming better men who love themselves so thoroughly that our spouses no longer matter....that is the brass ring!
a great example...you have written about how you feel your wife is stupid. do you actually believe this...is that how you genuinely feel towards this woman you have professed to love. I would bet that sense of superiority has oozed out towards her over the years...is that a loving position or would it come through as a gesture that would help build her up? I am sure as you look back to your marriage you will find other issues. none of us here could do a thorough search and find nothing, none of us. there have been more than a few times I found myself bawling my eyes out at ways that I did not show enough respect and kindness to my wife. it takes time, you will get there if you chose to.
I am pointing it out, because well, it is something that if you need to do, in order to have a successful relationship in the future, you will have to learn to accept your partner for who they are. PERIOD. love them. So what if my wife cannot help my 14 year old with his homework, that is not something that makes her less worthy to be the target of my affection, does it?
Sorry if you feel like I've come here to beat you up a bit...I am rather blunt from time to time.
The other issue that I want to mention (again) is the decision to forgo or minimize the GAL. you have spent a ton of effort belaboring the injustice of your marriage (I call it score-keeping) and you really need to look at where that is getting you, it is not helping you let go of the situation and move forward. One of the great parts about GAL is to help in this...really it does.
example, I have joined a roller derby team a few months ago, twice a week, for three hours I do not think of my wife. I think of what I am doing, improving my health, improving the new relationships that are there within the league, AND HAVING A GOOD TIME. 6 hours of my week, free of wife. there are other times I can do this, with soccer practices, school board meetings, volunteering at the kids schools, going out with friends, shooting with my brothers, guitar lessons, whatever...they are all ME TIME. they are all times I can focus on improving myself, learning to focus energy towards being complete and not worrying about my wife.
These are my experiences...and my opinions hinge not only on my personal experiences, but by having watched countless others go through this exact same struggle. The ones that find their way the fastest are those that learn to love themselves first and foremost. The ones that give living their lives a real effort, showing themselves love and compassion and trying to forge lives from the ashes.
Lastly, this is a bit of a follow up to something I typed you the other day. I don't honestly think your wife is a true narcissist. I do believe she is behaving that way.
I think that we all are capable of these qualities, as well as many other thoughts that would be considered wrong (for lack of a better word) by conventional standards. I have always sort of believed that we have good and bad traits within each and every one of us. it wasn't until I read something yesterday by someone who used to post on this sigh A LOT. she is someone I respect very much and added to my conviction on the matter.
it is our ability to confront those thoughts and behaviors that is what I consider mature. to be able to withstand on acting on those thoughts or acting on your base impulses that makes us complete.
a man or woman who is going through a midlife crisis is trying to void what caused their issue and in effect rebelling against what they think or used to know as right or wrong...they are depressed, unhappy...there must be a reason for that...and they have not accepted it could be them. So yes, if they have been struggling with this crisis for some time, it is very reasonable to expect they are acting narcissistic...just as we can witness many of these behavioral traits in children every day.
have you ever watched an 8 year old lie right to your face for something they and You clearly know they did. They lie anyway, they are rebelling against you. Or how they start to cry to get you to change your mind about something...the tears are clearly bullshit. how about a child who acts super nice and then on a switch changes to irate when they don't get their way. does any of this sound familiar. the same could be said for a person in MLC. they are acting against what they should know as right or wrong, good or bad, up or down. they are basically set back to the time of their trauma when these behaviors were to be established. instead they created coping mechanisms to help them deal with their pain.
I am clearly oversimplifying the complexity of the whole developmentally stunted issue, I just wanted to point out that likely your wife is NOT a narcissist...just acting that way. and yes, I did want to point out that she is projecting that on you because she does not want to feel that way about herself.
What does all this mean...really nothing. it changes nothing about what you need to be doing...that is Focusing your energy on you instead of her and her behavior. as long as she is not interacting with you, gives you an opportunity - unabated to keep that focus on you. For your IC sessions...ask him/her to keep the conversation on you. WHY has this been such a huge punch in the gut. work on your feelings, work on your behavior, work on your development and growth. If your IC doesn't want to, I would question what they are really working towards.
so for lists, we like lists around here....
you could make a list of those things in your marriage you thought you came up short on...to work on understanding better.
you could make a list of qualities about yourself that you like, don't like and would like to improve upon
you could make a list of things you'd like to do in life, short term, long term, one time
you could make a list of things you want to do with your kids.
get where i'm going at...start moving forward with goals.
GAL list...you want to get unstuck...get out there and start doing for you. Life is all about choices...chose to stay put or move forward...get yourself unstuck, no one else can do it for you, ok?
so, sorry so long. again, I don't need any responses. I just want for your to look at why you are so resistant to moving yourself forward?
