Need some help from the DB community! Crunch Time!

[Accuray]

Hi cbtdad,

The challenge with reconciliation is that if the wayward spouse is more or less giving in, or returning to something safe and familiar, versus enthusiastically re-engaging, then I fear you really just have a stay of execution unless you make some very dramatic behavioral changes.

Look at this from your perspective -- you were cheated on and left and put through hell. Then she agrees to reconcile, of course you are now going to be living with fear and suspicion, and that is going to exacerbate your controlling issues. All the R talks you are doing are just temperature checking coming from a place of fear. To her it comes across as "you're not going to leave me again, right? You're not going to leave me again right?"

People value what they have to work for, and do not value that which is given easily. It's much more fun and rewarding to hunt and chase down your prey than to stumble over some roadkill.

For your wife to feel good about this, she has to believe that you're a prize -- that she had to work to get you, has to work to keep you, and that you have value to other women, so she feels proud to be by your side.

The challenge of reconciliation in this context is that you're in a "one down" position in the relationship, and that undercuts what your wife needs to feel good about it. It's not a sustainable equilibrium as you're now seeing.

Between the lines your wife is saying "I don't believe this relationship is valuable to me, but I'm afraid to leave it"

To become a thing of value, you need to be happy, confident, self-assured, and comfortable in your own skin. You need to feel that your wife is exceptionally lucky to have you, as that attitude will spill over into all your interactions.

If you want to get her back permanently, you need to set her free and then head in the other direction and live a kick@ss life.

Muddling through on your current trajectory will continue to land you in the same place.

Acc