EDF, I know you're right about the intimacy. It's very hard for me too. I'm trying to look deeper at why I think I need it and make up for it in other ways. (1) In bad times, when I'm starting to worry I think I "need" it for reassurance. Then (2) when I feel good about the situation I feel this swell of love and want to convey it, I want to show her how I feel in the best way I know.
To make up for it in the bad times I need to stand on my own - something I keep learning over and over again. This seems like the most important and hardest lesson and I even feel somewhat skeptical of it. The skeptical thought goes "if I can only have her when I don't need her any more then I'm not sure if I want that". But then I don't know because I've never experienced that, might be the best - that's what I hear.
To make up for it in the good times I've been trying to figure out other ways to communicate my love. One thing is that I'm still here, in the house, I'm still waiting for her. Just me being here should say everything. Another is working around the house, stuff I neglected for so long. And our kids are having a 10 times better life now - everything revolves around them now and I mean that in the best way possible. My wife and I do have some time we spend together after they go to bed.
The strongest feeling of wanting it is because it would close the book on this limbo. I'm not sure what to do with that "need" but maybe it just goes back to the worrying - she doesn't want to make separation plans today.
Thank you, SadHub - a DB coach sounds like a good idea. Thinking of time as a gift is positive. I've been worrying that too much time has gone by and every month that goes by makes it more hopeless but in other ways I think I can see that maybe time is on my side of this - at least time spent in the same house and not fighting. If I could read her mind I would know for sure...if only. Maybe if she could read her own mind even.
