Building my life...

[mahhhty]

1st: New England Newcomer
2nd: So I am divorced.
3rd: I hucked a waterfall.
4th: Just Fishin'
5th: Six to Nine
6th: The Next Day…
7th: Where I am...

I made the decision to come to this thread instead of Divorce But Not Done, because XW isn't the person I knew. She has her drug. We have no relationship. She wants no part of my life unless she wants something. In my previous posts you can easily tell I carried hope with expectation for a long time. I do miss the person I built a life with, the true mother of my kids. But that person no longer exists.

I've spent a lot of time reading, educating myself, and growing. However, I spent a lot of time trying to be there for her and make an impact as well. Although that hasn't happened recently. I think continuing my path with a focus on my children and my life is all I need to be concerned with and act on.

[kml]

Welcome Mahhty!

I can scan quickly so I looked at your old threads, but you might put a brief summary here for others without my speed-reading skills Just the highlights, like : wife left, now suspect OM was a factor, OM has now donated a kidney to her etc.

You sound like you are doing reasonably well, all things considered. It's tough when you are tied for the next 15+ years to dealing with her as a coparent etc. Even worse when sleazy OM is now going to be sainted for his kidney donation.

Not to dwell on your ex, since you are moving forward, but one thing I want you to consider about her. You initially described how great your first year together was. As a woman myself, though, I read about the scrapbooking every event of your first year and think (How I met Your Mother reference here) "OMG she's got the crazy eyes!".

People who believe in "soulmates" and obsess about romance often are the least able to make it through the tough times (and sometimes outright drudgery) that go with real life.

The reason I bring this up is, I want you to try to look at your ex without the rose-colored glasses and evaluate what red flags were present early on that you missed? What should have warned you that she wasn't gonna be good for the long haul?

You need to figure this out so that you don't make the same mistake in choosing partners going forward.

Now granted - she had a serious health problem that can cause depression, and depression is often a major factor in affairs (because infatuation briefly relieves it). Maybe she was perfect when you first met her. But more likely there's some personality or character issues that you just chose to ignore because it all felt so good in the beginning.

I was married for 24 years and it actually took me a long time after my divorce to really see my ex's narcissism. Ask your good friends if there was anything they noticed that you didn't?

[Georgia Bulldogs]

We have no relationship. She wants no part of my life unless she wants something.

No relationship is better for you right now...look at that as a good thing. Most wayward wives want the OM AND to keep their betrayed husband as their go-to best friend and baby sitter who will help them out whenever they need it.

The "unless she wants something" always worries me. I know you've been off launching your own businesses, but in the process of planning and business structure be sure to consult with your tax advisors carefully so as to not open up any opportunities for your ex-wife to feel she MAY be able to pursue more child support or something.

It's much easier to minimize your income when you own your own business. There is a lot of flexibility you can use to protect yourself. For example, an S Corp can retain earnings (which you reinvest in the business) and pay you a simple salary. An LLC can ring up a lot of "maintenance" expenses or even buy up 10 years worth of supplies and write off the expense. Either way...you can write off as much of your travel, meals and entertainment through the company and keep your income artificially low. You'll need to be diligent for a long time (because they court can make you provide copies of every years tax return). If things really take off maybe you add a family member as a highly paid employee to reduce income. Things like company cars are larger faster write offs/deductions than capital/building investments that have to be depreciated over many years. You can certainly TRY to keep a low profile but people talk and if your business takes off beyond your wildest dreams, don't think your ex-wife won't some day think she (and the kids while they are with her) aren't entitled to a piece of it.

An ounce of prevention with good planning can save you a lot of headache later.

[Underdog]

And a C corp allows you to carry losses forward as well.

It really worked for me to minimize my salary, which helped my daughter qualify for a lot more scholarship money. I had a super duper CPA who helped me plan all of this forward. Yes, I was cash poor, but it really helped the long term scenario.

Good post, Georgia.

[Gmum]

I'm glad your kids' mother seems to be doing well.

Regarding women, I agree with your friend. It will be good for you to get your feet wet, don't necessarily have to get anything else wet.

You're a lottery ticket waiting to be cashed. She's out there!

[mahhhty]

I surely owe an update. It has been awhile for me, and things have changed some more.

However, I wanted to say thank you for the support and the information. I read this awhile ago and am trying to ensure I take the appropriate steps to provide for my kids in a stable consistent way, while getting the business up and running.

Gmum - Special Thank You!!! You were blunt and sweet! I needed it! I've thought about this a couple times in down moments and it has helped greatly!

[Gmum]

Anytime, Love.

But now I really want that update ;-)

[mahhhty]

I feel like I constantly repeat myself on here. Saying something like things are really getting busy with the startup, and they always feel like they are. The startup is a semi-finalist for an entrepreneurial challenge (which awards cash prizes) and I'm making a lot of headway.

However, the X always has a way to try to tear it down. On April 19th I received this...

Hi, We need to finish the discussion on kindergarten. I'm in the process of buying a house in TownX, and will close next month. I've done the research, as should you, and TownX is one of the top school districts in the state. And because of taxes, has great extracurricular activities and sports programs.

It is a mile off the highway, and has a full day kindergarten. Kindergarten assessments are transferable amongst the school districts, so that doesn't matter. If for some reason we wanted them to do one, then they have more scheduled for May and June.

I think providing the kids with the best education and opportunities is what is best for them. Also, the fact that they have a full day program is much more convenient for us. Please do your research and let me know where you stand.

Thanks

When I received this I was infuriated and upset and anxiety ridden with everything that is going on. I never responded (and unfortunately I still haven't). In my anger I made an appointment to talk to my old IC, who I haven't spoken to in over a year. It was good to get some of that out there. TownX is about 20 minutes away, it is an upper middle class neighborhood that her sister lives in. I am positive that she is buying this house with the other guy.

Her being the parent closest to the school, I have difficulty that the lack of structure or stability in her life isn't a great combination with the reliability of taking care of school issues, picking the kids up, dropping them off, etc. Let's face it we are 50/50 but she has yet to hold up her 50, which I don't mind... I love seeing the kids.

Also, she has not once yet approached me about the OM. Therefore, I have no trust for her. And am deeply angered that she is buying a house (or received a kidney for that matter) from the person responsible for the demise of our marriage.

I believe these are the questions I need her to answer:
- address of the house?
- is she buying it on her own?
- is she getting a new job?
- will he be living there?

It took me awhile to get to that point but I'm there. Any thoughts?

I also feel that I need to confront her, explain the past episodes I've had with the kids (my S & D talking about us all being together on multiple different occasions). Talk about how we need to discuss the OM and his role in her life as the kids repeatedly discuss it.

Sidenote... with the IC we had this talk about my family fantasy and similarly I stated something to the affect, "I'm honestly not sure if I miss my family, I am lonely or I truly love her and miss her." He responded that I'm the kind of person who needs to figure that out to ensure I know before moving forward. So what did I do. The exact thing any engineer does I researched and researched... I came to the conclusion that I love and miss the person I knew as deeply as any can. But she isn't that person anymore. It was there all along but I am only beginning to see.

[Sotto]

Hi Mahhhty, looking at your post and the timescale for your D etc and the questions you'd like answers too....I'm thinking - she's over a year past D, why would any of those things be any of your business? (Forgive any bluntness - but that's what I thought.) To me it sounds like a reasonable move for the kids, and the Q's sound more about your own difficult feelings about what she is doing - which are of course understandable.

I know the whole OM thing is difficult, but I think at this stage she gets to choose the who's and how's of things WRT the kids and her current partner. And unless there is something plainly unsuitable about him (drug use, child sex offender etc...) I don't really think you get to have a say or could insist on having questions answered.

I think it may be more of a case of accepting that she is making new choices about her life now and working through your own feelings about that with your IC.

JMHO of course and I hope this helps x

[raliced]

Hi Mahhhty,

I get the anger - I really do. It's upsetting when you feel like the person you are co-parenting with isn't giving you the straight scoop, isn't it? My XH constantly will change his schedule with some long, complicated, lie about work and it always bugs me. Why lie at this point? After all, I'll take the kids every extra second I can get.

I'll disagree a bit with Sotto. These are the questions you said you think you should ask

I believe these are the questions I need her to answer:
- address of the house?
- is she buying it on her own?
- is she getting a new job?
- will he be living there?

I think those are all fair game except the one about if she is buying it on her own - her finances are her own - but obviously the exact location, who will be living there and her work hours affect your kids a great deal and are therefore your business as a parent. My XH has extended me no courtesy whatsoever, but I would still let him know if I was moving someone in with the kids (ain't gonna happen, but still). That being said - I wouldn't be surprised if she is still evasive about the whole thing - so be prepared....