Ironic... Just remembered, I had a vampire song on my phone as my ringtone for when W called... Have had it for a few years... Because it felt like she was sucking the life out of me even then.
They aren't kidding when they say love is blind. I mean like totally pulled the wool over my eyes and a blindfold added for good measure.
I spent 3k defending against her ridiculous OFP. Still didn't see it. And another 7k going back and forth through atty's trying to get her to go to MC with me. And still didn't see it. Beat myself up for 4 months, almost lost my job, couldn't function, couldn't sleep, and still I couldn't see it. I see it now. I was married to a child! There should be an IQ test and a mental evaluation required before getting M'd, to protect people like me from doing stupid things like thinking we can save someone from their past.
Now that I finally am seeing it, there is a glimmer of hope. A light (or piece of cheese) at the end of the tunnel. Detaching is going so much better, I feel completely different than I did just 48 hours ago. My anxiety is going away. I have an actual interest in GAL. I just wish someone would put her in the padded room she belongs in and give me my kids back. But I'm not going to be able to save them from her.... I have to learn to let that go too.
I have thought of a dozen more examples today of her immaturity... But I let them each go immediately and am not even going to write them down. What does it matter now? My IC said I am in a phase of "remember and release." I am getting really good at it. I see things, hear things, I remember her, and let it go. That song doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. It's not like she wrote it, someone else did. The song from our wedding, I've had that stuck in my head on and off for a while now, and the meaning is going away. I think now it may actually be referring to someone else in my life that I haven't met yet.
You are spot on though, we pick them. We have picked people that should have thrown red flags, but were blinded in the begining. I picked my WW because she was fun and attractive and the sex was great. She was immature emotionally, but I thought it was just inexperience. I thought we could grow together. I was more a father figure I guess, caring and nurturing her. I think she gave a family life a 'college try', but that is not really who she is.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
I met with my IC earlier today. IC was surprised about how insightful the stuff was I shared with her that I learned from this site. Thanks to all that have posted such hugely helpful information!!!
I told IC a little more about W's past, stuff I hadn't shared with IC before. IC started telling me, "yep, your W was projecting that onto you." I told IC about the example of W coming to a meeting and cowering by the door. IC said she was entering a room full of men, she was probably scared of men because of her father. I told IC that W was picked on in school. IC said that is because she was an easy target with her withdrawn/scared personality, that she learned from watching her mom cower from her abusive father. Makes me feel even more sympathy for W. Especially when I consider that I too judged her. IC said so many things that are just like what is talked about on this site.
She brought up that W will really feel the sting when something happens, I forget what the example was. I told her W is going to feel it even more when she is leaving the house for the last time. I know how much that hurt when I left, but even then I figured I would see it again soon. Though I thought it would have been sooner than it is taking. Wow would I love to see her feel that sting.
My IC brought up again that W may realize I did not do the things she accused me of. Or maybe she'll just stay stuck... Forever. My IC said that being W is seeing an IC, maybe she will get there. I still have no faith in her IC.
I mentioned W accusing me of being a narcissist. IC said the same thing as others (Zephyr?) posted on here, she is projecting that from herself onto me.
IC also said to use my sympathy for W to prevent the anger being unleashed onto W. To feel the anger is to be human, but to use it against her is not helpful.
IC also said I was being drained by living with W's problems all this time, always walking on eggshells... And once I am out of the grieving process and able to stand on my own, I will feel relieved. It's hard to imagine ever getting there. I want to, but how?
I felt better when I left the IC appt, but since have really come down. Still so frustrated that this is happening to me, to my kids.... Our lives being torn apart by the problems of someone that I thought I loved so dearly.
Closing thoughts.... If she came crawling back, I don't think I'd have the strength to push her away, even though I probably should. ;-(
IC said the ultimate payback is if W sees me happy.. Happier than I ever was with her. It will force W to ask herself "maybe he wasn't the problem after all." I told IC that I planned to take it one step further, when W sees me happy, and I see that it bothers her, I will tell her she is welcome to join me. She will obviously say no, but it will cut even deeper, because she will also have to face the fact that she left me, and she was a fool to do so! There will be no one to blame but herself.
But this could backfire too... I could see her and she looks happy. I just have to remind myself that it is a show, that no matter what she says or does, she will never be happy with herself until she fesses up to the wrong she has done.
I have already seen this show once, about 2 months after BD, she tried to make it seem she was happy. But then I saw her 2 more months later, from a long ways away, and could tell she was squirming. It got really bad when I bumped into someone I knew and was talking to them and she saw that. I know a LOT of people, she has her 6 friends and everyone else in the world is "the enemy." I am sure in her paranoid head I am plotting against her.
Ralph, yep, that has become obvious. These friends are in my hometown, not hers... And she plans to buy a house right in the middle of all them, like right across the street! Two blocks away would be too far!
But not too many people like this group, they are all stuck with each other. And know the rest of town doesn't like them.
The faculty at the school doesn't like them either. W and one of her FF's were in the school based volunteer association (can't have terms that lead back here). The FF is hated at the school. The association was getting pushed out even prior to BD, and I told W it was because of her FF. W and her FF quit now.... Hoping that will be one more catalyst to make her realize, but I doubt it.
