Out of In house S- Start of two homes (10)

[RAI]

Vise,

Wow! Your last post hit me like a sucker punch right in the gut. It is amazing how diametrically opposite this is all viewed by the WW or WAW. I feel for you. The narrative that our Ws advance is very hurtful and insulting. They make it look like walking away is the courageous thing to do, and we see it as cowardice. Staying in a marriage and working on it is the courageous thing to do.

So messed up, isn't it? Sorry, man.

RAI

[otw]

RAI
I have struggled with that for so long. I see there side as messed up admit sounds. If they honestly can't see a way to make things work for whatever reason then they do believe they are doing the best thing and being brave. That is why when we try to show our side it is just pushing them further as we are standing in the way.
Disregard the fact that we are willing to work to the bone to make things great for all

They hear that part and are convinced it can't change it be fixed.

They feel they have exhausted all options.

That is the part that [censored]. We have been woken up and they are not.

[vise82]

hey just another day

W worked late, I picked up kids from school, fed them and took S7 to scouts. W came home and was telling me about her day. She was having problems with her lawyer wanting money to close on the house she bought. She doesn't have the money and thought the money was to come from the sale of our MR house. But she is getting bridge financing and closing before the MR house sells. Lawyer wants money now.

She tells me that she thought that buying the house was not meant to be because of all the problems that have popped up (caused by her, but I did not say that, Was tempted but STFU).

She tells her parents and problem solved they lent her the five thousand she needed to pay Lawyer. Her house is to close on the 19th this month.

So I listened and validated. I did not offer solutions, which was hard for me to hold back on.

The TV stopped working again after a power flicker and W just goes to the TV where I normally watch. I put the kids to bed and then I normally go to where W was now.

I chickened out and just stayed out of her way. I so wanted to go down there to watch TV with her and had a good reason to, but I avoided it.

I got stuff done on my side for my house, changing of address and starting of accounts for utilities and insurance.

W are greeting each other now in the mornings. I have been helping a little with kids lunches and W it thanking me. She helped me with changing over the laundry yesterday. (I just realized I didn't thank her)

So with little bits here and there we are nicer to each other. Just noticing the changing dynamic. But when we are moving out in a couple of weeks I can see why.

I think back and I should have just gotten out of her way long ago. It was not the best thing to do, keeping W in house S when she wanted out.

So if your reading this and you are stopping your W, just get out of the way.

I keep going back to the light house analogy. Not matter what happens I am the lighthouse. Thing on my side are going as planned with no mess up so far. Stuff she as been trying to do has been nothing but problems and stress for her.

She has run out of money and has a house to fill up with furniture and her new credit card are saving her but that wont last. Right now she is just trying to keep her head above water. I have lived on my own before. She has not. I am picturing my self as that light house.

[vise82]

Hey,

In the middle of the the weekend.

Friday had a rough time. Some commotion was going on and neighbors were out including the Gay guy. There was something going up in our court that would get another neighbor mad. W comes in and tells me at the same time as messaging the gay guy.

She runs out and goes to his house, the two new neighbor next door run out and they all meet.

I go inside. I cant take it. W is so insensitive, could not care how I feel. I will not go outside when Gay guy is out. I cant. I get angry and uncomfortable. I start to realize that these are my W friends now. I dont fit in at all with them. They know all about what is going on and I cant deal with it.

I have S4 inside with me getting him changed so that we can go out for dinner.

This is what i dont get. She treats them nicer then me but yet I am the one going out to dinner with her and the kids. I am the one that needs to sign so she can get a bridge loan. I am the one she just signed a S agreement with and we will have to deal with each other because of the kids and she could care less what makes me upset.

So i start to spiral.

I see how far gone she is.

I start to lose hope. She talks to these people more that she does to me and we were living in the same house.

I was feeling done with the MR. I cant see it working out. I start dreaming of giving her the D.

SHe was mad at me for taking so long getting ready but I was not going outside while gay guy was outside.

We go to the dinner and W is in a terrible mood.

I am just tired of it. I want some one that wants me around. She seems to tolerate me but runs across the street the first chance she gets. This is not a life to live like this.

We get the food to go and had a good meal at home.

The next day she said she had a thing to do with her BFF in the morning. I dont know if she is lying or what but she said they were working on a cake, and she brought her cake tools.

I had the boys all day, took them to a skate park and we had a good time.

W get home and wants a movie night with the kids. W did and W falls asleep on the couch.

I miss having someone on my team, that I can plan a future with and get some support. I couldn't even talk to W about how I was feeling because I know she doesn't even care.

Its been a year and it just feels like it was such a waste of a year, If w worked on things during that year who knows what.I have worked on me and I am in a better place but W is just not there beside me at all.

Next day, W sleeps in, I was up with the kids.

W asks me if I can take the kids for a whole weekend during the move because she is having a Birthday BBQ for her birthday and wants the kids for that weekend.

So two things i get from that. One I am not invited, and two the parenting agreement just started and she is asking to change it already. For a bbq.

Of course that hits me I am not invited. I try not to show W that I am hurt. I tell her I would have to check my schedule.

Why cant she just look at the days that she has the kids an schedule her life around that.

I wanted to ask if this is what i am to expect, not getting invited. I did not ask.

For DBing this is what I want but when its initiated by W it hurts me to not be included.

ok enough of the pity party, back to packing for my new house

[vise82]

Hey.

I feel like I am at a point of no return. Like I don't want to continue with this MR the way it is. I see us moving out and we have not resolved anything. There is no R talk and I don't know where I stand right now.

I feel like am lower on her priority list then a friend. I feel like I want to just move on. I don't feel like fighting for this MR any more.

I feel the pull to my family. The other night my S7 asked if he was a (wife maiden name). I told him that he is related to them but no he is a (my family name). I feel like he is missing out on seeing my side of the family, and he should see where he comes from. W side of the family have always said stuff like that, he eats some thing oh your a (wife maiden name).

Ok that aside. I am feeling a little lost right now. W and I are physically separating and I have no idea where her head is.

I know that I have this nagging feeling to just move ahead with the D myself. But I can also just act like I am moving forward.

I need to do what I think is best and I am struggling. I need to let go and I am just about to and it scares me. I think that W also is just holding on a little also.

I don't want a MR like this where I am not invited to anything she does with her family but we do stuff as a family. Actually I don't even know if we are going to do stuff as a family anymore.

In my mind we are not. I wont initiate it. But I don't want to be dragged into this type of permanent limbo still married but living in separate house.

I am rambling a little but just trying to get this off my chest.

[Melo]

I am with you there brother. We are getting closer to physically separating and I am both dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time. I have never been more afraid, afraid of the unknown, afraid for my kids, sometimes afraid that she won't love me anymore and even worse that I won't love her anymore after what she's done to me, to us. Hang in there brother, know you're not alone on the ride, we got your back.

[vise82]

Hey,

I can see I need to detach.

W just emailed me. She wants me to bring my trailer to her new house so that her dad can fill it and then she want me to take it to the dump for her.

How do I get out of doing this stuff. I do not want to be treated like this, I am good for taking her trash but not good enough to be part of her life.

What do I say?

I know I covered this before and we came up with letting her use the trailer.

This is what I was thinking.

I will empty the trailer and let you know when I am done with it. In the mean time just make a pile of garbage, then when I am done with the trailer you can use it to take your garbage to the dump.

[rich4j]

vise82

For now you need to start saying "no", I am busy. I am past the point you are in the breakup/separation as our divorce will be final in a few months and it was necessary for me to stop being stepped on and relied upon as I am not her husband anymore. We both live in the same house but I am having ot move out shortly hopefully I would recommend you do the same for now as it will help you mentally

You need time to heal and be away from her. It's so hard to heal and bury the resentment when you are together and going to have to co parent....I feel your pain. Try to separate the "kids" tasks and being there for them and doing things for her.

Do your best in keeping true to yourself which seems like you are a great guy willing to help her out but don't take being a doormat and being used. It's hard....no doubt

[vise82]

Hey Melo,

Yes getting close to physically separating. I think I am more looking forward to it them dreading it. Looking forward to not having my mood change based on what W does or does not do.

It this that I look forward to.

I am more sad for my kids, then afraid for them.

It the not know if she loves me anymore that bothers me. I can see through actions that she has very little love for me.

Now the I wont love her anymore. It still there. I think I need the actual D before I can move on though. I have hard time imagining any sort of limbo. I can only see MR or D, no in-between.

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Thank for getting back to me in your thread.

Yes I do think kike you are saying that we are still married but separated. I feel like I am stuck. I still feel the commitment and until the D happens I am still committed.

I don't know if this is holding me back.

It sure is not holding back W.

I need a plan. With out a plan I have been doing thing based on emotion. With the move the plan was to step back. Do my own thing. have as little contact with W as I can. To let her go live with out me.

I cant be friends with her right now, I have to many feeling for her. If that makes sense.

Easier said then done as she will try to pull me back in to some degree. for example the trailer and dump run for her.

While doing my own thing I am thinking of contacting my brother. I think its time. I have tried to connect with other people and have not done a good job. I have soccer starting up and will try to do better socially there. Also professionally I am planning on upgrading my skills.

I think that is enough for now.