What should I be doing? (2)

[vise82]

Hey Coconut,

I have to say you need to express your boundaries of not having an open MR and having no contact is the most important part of that.

Forget about the rest of what she does and says, if that does not happen, you are moving on.

[Coconut]

For now I'm working on GAL primarily, I need to get rid of ego (having a beautiful woman by your side really makes you feel good) and gain confidence and self worth/happiness.... If things change and she starts acting weird again, then I may speed up imposing my boundaries of NC, but for right now I don't think she Is doing more than just seeing him at the station for calls. She's been home a lot more, getting home right on time, etc.... She has even been leaving her phone laying around rather than always having it in her hand..

(And Sandi should be by any minute with that 2x4, but remember im working on GAL, finding self confidence/happiness and validating)

[CRW]

Good job Coco. The best thing you can do is to make yourself the most desired person to her. The rest will fall into place.

[sandi2]

Sandy, I agree with most of what you said, I still don't feel like she gets the seriousness of the A

Something tells me that if things were switched around and it had been you having an EA with a co-worker..........she would have no problem in getting the seriousness of it.

Oh, she knows, alright. She is going to play along until she thinks you are satisfied that it's over. Well, you are practically there, now.

Has it been two full days, yet? Btw, her calling to let you know she has arrived or about to leave some place, is not transparency. The betrayed H should be the one to determine what will be required in order for her to regain his trust. The WW doesn't get to decide when, where, or if she will reveal anything. Just b/c she called you, or she came home on time........does not mean her and OM were not having contact. Basically, all you had was her word. There needs to be something to verify it. Otherwise, your W is not effectively working to end the A, and more likely...covering.

Anyway, I can tell that you want to buy into the deceit, so go ahead and GAL, and build up your confidence. You are going to need it. When you decide you want to know the truth, give it about three weeks, and then casually pick up her phone and check it out. (Now, don't cheat and tell her that she better be careful or you may be looking. Don't even give her the thought of you checking her phone).

They are being careful right now. She has made certain everything has been cleared off her phone......before conveniently laying it out for you to see. (Hey, it takes one to know one).

As soon as she sees you are satisfied and believe everything has ended between them, she'll get careless about deleting messages.

But just for the sake of giving her every benefit imaginable, let's say she really means to keep things with OM on a professional level. It's not that simple. She is addicted to the high the affair gives her. She would not be the first to think they could continue working with their AP (or some type of contact) and think those feelings will just go away. And you would not be the first man to want desperately to believe we are wrong and just know your W the way you do. And I don't know your W, personally. But, sadly, I know how the WW operates.

[cbtdad]

Coconut.
This right here is how Sandi helped get through my first stint here.
She will drop the 2x4 on you and you have to be understanding that you have to be working on yourself for you. You can not believe a word your WW says right now. 3 years ago I remember believing my wife when she said it was over. Guess what? That was February of 2013. She finally came clean with everything in April of 2013 and then shut off all contact in June 2013.
The coming off that A high was something I wasn't ready for. Watching my W get over somebody else was the so painful
That's why this time around I snooped again
I needed to know if I was dealing with WW or WAW.
Because those are two different situations

Hang in there. Just keep working on you. You can't control what she does

[Coconut]

Thanks for your input everyone, you all know how badly you want to just believe that the S you married is back.

Sandi, should I figure out a transparency plan with her at Fire acadamy or just lay out the NC or no deal?

[DDJ]

@cbtdad, i don't want to open wounds, but what was she like when she was getting over the OM?

I'm not sure i'll see mine get there, but she did say this evening that she really did have feelings for her OM, but that OM2 and his crew are a welcome distraction... (that puts me at ease). OM1 still appears out of the pic, but i cannot know what happens during her work hours.

[CRW]

Thanks for your input everyone, you all know how badly you want to just believe that the S you married is back.

Sandi, should I figure out a transparency plan with her at Fire acadamy or just lay out the NC or no deal?

My take is it might be too soon for NC. I think you continue GAL to make yourself more attractive to her, so when you do drop the NC, you are more desirable to her.

She's not back yet. But she is on the path. Keep doing what you are doing, GAL, quiet confidence, don't chase, don't pursue. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

[cbtdad]

@DDJ
I'll post on my thread
Don't want to hijack coconuts

[sandi2]

I believe you have a legitimate fear that if you tell her she has to choose between the marriage and the fire academy, she'll go with the academy. Believe it or not, I empathize with you, Coconut.

As I've said, there is no compromising with an A. Don't make the mistake some men make about emotional affairs. Men seem to be more concerned about physical affairs than the emotional one. For women, an emotional A is just as serious, b/c so much of a woman's emotions are tied to her soul. I don't say this to make you feel even worse, but hopefully prevent you from not taking it as seriously.......and classifying it as just an EA.

With that said, I don't know how any plan would work very well, as long as they are attending the same classes and going to the same firehouse. Every time she see him across the room, it feeds her addiction. That is why there has to be no visual contact, vocal contact, written, social media, nothing. A drug addict, or any type of addiction, will not stop as long as s/he is feeding the addiction.

She could call or text you every ten minutes when she is in class or the firehouse. Wouldn't work b/c OM is there. NC of any kind is the only way. Which would basically require one of them to transfer elsewhere.....or drop out completely. I don't know if they could be on different schedules, classes, etc.

The choice is hers to make. Your part is to set a boundary and stand behind what you say. Something like I suggested earlier. Telling what you cannot do, like living in a MR with three people. If she is serious about wanting a new R, then she must make some difficult choices (which shouldn't be difficult when choosing you M or something else).

I think she will offer to keep you posted, etc., while she's out, but it doesn't work if OM is there.

If she refuses to leave the fire academy, the ball is back in your court. Will you tell her you will prepare for S/D, or will you live in an open M?

And I think I read a poster to say it might be too early to go NC?! My goodness, why would you continue to wait until it had turned into a PA? The longer they they engage in any contact, the less likely the A will end.