My wife and I have been together for 17 years - married for 9. We have 2 kids, age 4 and 7. I have control issues, addiction, I've been verbally abusive to her, and there were times when I pressed her to have sex when she didn't really want to. The last thing seems like it is the biggest issue between us now.
She filed for divorce 10 months ago - right after I got clean and joined a 12-step group for my addiction - which was understandably "too little too late". Today, I'm still clean and we're still "together". I post this because I'd like to get feedback on figuring out where we are - should I be doing a last resort technique or am I piecing? When I look at the math, the numbers are too big on each side of the equation for me to know:
- She hasn't filed for reconciliation. - She won't kiss me nor anything else more intimate than a kiss on the cheek. - She won't tell me she loves me.
On the other hand:
- She doesn't want to talk about separating right now - in our state we have to live separately for 1 year before we can be divorced so our divorce isn't moving forward. She knows this and has pointed it out to me. - The latest thing she's said about it is that she doesn't know what she wants to do which is farther along than "let's wait until the kids are out of school" which was about 2 months ago. - Now she's making plans that include all of us for the beach this summer and booked a hotel room for a different trip we're taking in 2017. We've never done this much planning and vacationing. - She texts me and calls me all the time which I love. Sometimes for no reason. - We sleep in the same bed and snuggle which sometimes she initiates (but only because she knows I like it and sleep better.)
Wow, typing all that out makes me feel very fortunate and I am grateful to not be on the street. Yea, I really just don't want to screw this up. But is there such a thing as "friend-zoning" your spouse? Not that it isn't already too late to do something about that anyway. I just keep switching between different worries and I'm not getting any younger - she's 35 but I'm 45 by the way - she used to make me feel young but now I feel rejected and old.
I've been more than just an addict and we've been more than just a screwed up couple. At one time I thought we were really great, enviable even. I do worry also that maybe there's another man, but I think maybe I'm just being paranoid. I can't imagine when she would even have time but when I read sandi's wayward wife list they all fit so well. She gets mad when I ask her about this possibility - saying that I don't appreciate the magnitude of what she's been through - as if I'm implying it's not enough, there must be another man. I understand that but sometimes I wonder if it's not justification, I feel guilty for thinking this.
I'm pretty sure she would do something related to us getting help if I asked but I'm just not sure what to do with that. She's seeing a therapist and we were seeing someone together but I didn't feel like it was helping. It's been a while now though - maybe we should go back. I just wonder if that's a bad idea - that instead giving her space and time might be best.
So basically I'm asking (1) should I consider my situation "piecing" since she's not talking about separating or "last ditch" since she's not saying she wants to work things out. She's saying she doesn't know yet which I can't help but feel like (and hope) she's waiting to see if I get or maybe keep my crap together. And (2) is there a "friend-zoning" that happens in marriages that we can't come back from, should I try for more intimacy? and (3) should I ask her to do something else with me - a new councilor or book or something?
Divorce Remedy is a fantastic book and sandi's 37 rules are great too. Thanks to everyone who has contributed here. I'm pretty hopeful (sometimes) about writing a success story here one day but I must have some more patience to learn first. OMG, hurry up with the patience! The days seem like little mini eternities. Sometimes I think as long as I feel like that it's never going to work - like someone saying 'as soon as you calm down we can take the straight-jacket off' - I can't calm down with a straight-jacket on. But then I think this is why so many marriages fail, right here - it would be so easy to run away and end up saying "oh it was for the best".
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome Cashew! Definitely some positives in there.
I can't really weigh in on the big picture stuff, but my gut is saying to maybe not worry about initiating intimacy, especially if one of the things that was a part of the old man you're moving past was pressuring her into intimacy.
In fact, I wonder if you might want to try stopping initiating snuggling. If she initiates it, great; if she gives you an overture, be playful back a bit but keep it casual and light and see how she responds? That's what my phone coach recommended to me.
It's hard as hell because physical contact is something I really need... but one of the things I was having trouble with at first was when I would initiate contact I was always thinking "Is she enjoying this, or is she just giving in because it's easier and will make me leave her alone?" Once I detached more and left the ball in her court, the contact was much less often, but I knew she was choosing it and that helped my mindset a lot.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Welcome to the forums. Sorry you are here due to your situation but you will find support and advice from many in similar situations.
I will say yours is unique from many that I have followed, but there are still many similarities to others.
I would recommend a DB coach as they can assist you as you share specific details and they have worked with so many situations that they have experience that you may find invaluable. Study cadets homework and DR until you are comfortable and can start to incorporate it. It is counter intuitive so it will take time and patience. As cadet says, you have a gift of time, use it wisely. Keep the focus on you as that is all you can control. Spend quality time with your kids, they need the love of a stable parent.
I lend you my support and will check Ina me lend advice where I can.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
EDF, I know you're right about the intimacy. It's very hard for me too. I'm trying to look deeper at why I think I need it and make up for it in other ways. (1) In bad times, when I'm starting to worry I think I "need" it for reassurance. Then (2) when I feel good about the situation I feel this swell of love and want to convey it, I want to show her how I feel in the best way I know.
To make up for it in the bad times I need to stand on my own - something I keep learning over and over again. This seems like the most important and hardest lesson and I even feel somewhat skeptical of it. The skeptical thought goes "if I can only have her when I don't need her any more then I'm not sure if I want that". But then I don't know because I've never experienced that, might be the best - that's what I hear.
To make up for it in the good times I've been trying to figure out other ways to communicate my love. One thing is that I'm still here, in the house, I'm still waiting for her. Just me being here should say everything. Another is working around the house, stuff I neglected for so long. And our kids are having a 10 times better life now - everything revolves around them now and I mean that in the best way possible. My wife and I do have some time we spend together after they go to bed.
The strongest feeling of wanting it is because it would close the book on this limbo. I'm not sure what to do with that "need" but maybe it just goes back to the worrying - she doesn't want to make separation plans today.
Thank you, SadHub - a DB coach sounds like a good idea. Thinking of time as a gift is positive. I've been worrying that too much time has gone by and every month that goes by makes it more hopeless but in other ways I think I can see that maybe time is on my side of this - at least time spent in the same house and not fighting. If I could read her mind I would know for sure...if only. Maybe if she could read her own mind even.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Cashew, first I'd like to say congratulations on working on your addiction, that is a BIG step in the right direction, not for your M, but for you to be the best you you can.... Keep working on you, that's where your focus needs to be first. You have caused her a lot of pain because of who you were, make the changes you need to so that you don't go back to that, ever, with her or anyone else... Sign up for anger management classes to help work on the verbal abuse, read books on communication, if you don't now, start exercising...
You'll find that there are big differences on how to deal with S who had A and those who haven't, you may need to do a little snooping to find out. My W acted like I was crazy when I asked (3 or 4 times) if she was having an A, but it turned out she was... Oh, and by the way, she still liked to snuggle...
Either way, work on you first... If you find evidence of an affair, don't confront her right away, come here and ask for advice and sit on it for a little, it will help you to deal with the issue when you have a clear head and sound advice..
I agree with backing off physical intamicy for now, that's a big reason you are here, and you need to re-establish that slowly and with her needs and wants in mind...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
