My wife and I have been together for 17 years - married for 9. We have 2 kids, age 4 and 7. I have control issues, addiction, I've been verbally abusive to her, and there were times when I pressed her to have sex when she didn't really want to. The last thing seems like it is the biggest issue between us now.
She filed for divorce 10 months ago - right after I got clean and joined a 12-step group for my addiction - which was understandably "too little too late". Today, I'm still clean and we're still "together". I post this because I'd like to get feedback on figuring out where we are - should I be doing a last resort technique or am I piecing? When I look at the math, the numbers are too big on each side of the equation for me to know:
- She hasn't filed for reconciliation. - She won't kiss me nor anything else more intimate than a kiss on the cheek. - She won't tell me she loves me.
On the other hand:
- She doesn't want to talk about separating right now - in our state we have to live separately for 1 year before we can be divorced so our divorce isn't moving forward. She knows this and has pointed it out to me. - The latest thing she's said about it is that she doesn't know what she wants to do which is farther along than "let's wait until the kids are out of school" which was about 2 months ago. - Now she's making plans that include all of us for the beach this summer and booked a hotel room for a different trip we're taking in 2017. We've never done this much planning and vacationing. - She texts me and calls me all the time which I love. Sometimes for no reason. - We sleep in the same bed and snuggle which sometimes she initiates (but only because she knows I like it and sleep better.)
Wow, typing all that out makes me feel very fortunate and I am grateful to not be on the street. Yea, I really just don't want to screw this up. But is there such a thing as "friend-zoning" your spouse? Not that it isn't already too late to do something about that anyway. I just keep switching between different worries and I'm not getting any younger - she's 35 but I'm 45 by the way - she used to make me feel young but now I feel rejected and old.
I've been more than just an addict and we've been more than just a screwed up couple. At one time I thought we were really great, enviable even. I do worry also that maybe there's another man, but I think maybe I'm just being paranoid. I can't imagine when she would even have time but when I read sandi's wayward wife list they all fit so well. She gets mad when I ask her about this possibility - saying that I don't appreciate the magnitude of what she's been through - as if I'm implying it's not enough, there must be another man. I understand that but sometimes I wonder if it's not justification, I feel guilty for thinking this.
I'm pretty sure she would do something related to us getting help if I asked but I'm just not sure what to do with that. She's seeing a therapist and we were seeing someone together but I didn't feel like it was helping. It's been a while now though - maybe we should go back. I just wonder if that's a bad idea - that instead giving her space and time might be best.
So basically I'm asking (1) should I consider my situation "piecing" since she's not talking about separating or "last ditch" since she's not saying she wants to work things out. She's saying she doesn't know yet which I can't help but feel like (and hope) she's waiting to see if I get or maybe keep my crap together. And (2) is there a "friend-zoning" that happens in marriages that we can't come back from, should I try for more intimacy? and (3) should I ask her to do something else with me - a new councilor or book or something?
Divorce Remedy is a fantastic book and sandi's 37 rules are great too. Thanks to everyone who has contributed here. I'm pretty hopeful (sometimes) about writing a success story here one day but I must have some more patience to learn first. OMG, hurry up with the patience! The days seem like little mini eternities. Sometimes I think as long as I feel like that it's never going to work - like someone saying 'as soon as you calm down we can take the straight-jacket off' - I can't calm down with a straight-jacket on. But then I think this is why so many marriages fail, right here - it would be so easy to run away and end up saying "oh it was for the best".
