New Couple, Same Old Story 2

[Ralph88]

Thanks you all.. I really was struggling for months.. Got to detaching... Then the lack of interest with the kids really hurt me I guess.. They are so innocent and she had such a love for them.. Now the fog is causing them to come in last... I did however love the kids all day, took them to church, lunch with ice cream, napped with them and then spent time with them including playground.. I thought she would spend all day with them.. I was their mother for the day, she took them for dinner then I'm assuming put them to bed....

[DDJ]

Back to the tattoo. It represents love. It is a symbol of what it means for you to love. You could keep it for now to help remind you of the love you had, and the love you may find again - even if that is with someone else. Don't think about the name, think about its meaning.

You will need to be their mother and father and they need to see a strong man for you to do that. My mother raised 4 boys, including a newborn when she left her WH. All i felt from her was love, and her strength when i was 7 still helps me to deal with my WW today.

[Ralph88]

Sometimes I struggle soooo much to reach out, contact, and pursue my W. Like now even at the gym!!! Dang this is hard at times!

[DDJ]

Have you taken off your wedding ring Ralph? You might want to do that. You can cover a tattoo but not a ring.

[PsySara]

Ralph,
You and I are in the same boat. These spouses of ours...they broke our hearts and we're left with the gaping hole in our chest to fill. Something inside them is very broken and the hardest part is trying to detach and not try and "fix" their brokenness. But we struggle because our instinct is to be that supportive spouse who loves them with their flaws and all. But we have to let them go and leave them to gain their own insight and realize what is wrong with them. It [censored], huh?

As you know I still struggle with detachment, it's the hardest part of this entire process for me. Rationally I know I can't control H and I can't convince him of what a horrible mistake he's making but it does't stop the yearning from within to go to him and plead for him to open his eyes. For now I simply go darkish and try to distract myself. Like you said, it's when the kids are affected that it triggers a desire to pursue. But we won't, we will remain steadfast in repairing our wounds and moving on.

[cbtdad]

Hang in there Ralph!
It gets easier with time. I know how hard it is when you want to try and help the person that you have held so cokes for so long. Unfortunately when we are in this position we are the last person they want help from
Its so tough

[Ralph88]

Thank you for all the support. It is amazing how hard detaching is. I have never been so attached to another person before. It was ok though, and should be expected in a R, jut hard to undo.

[PsySara]

I think detach has become a new curse word in my head, lol. It's so counter-intuitive to detach from someone you considered your other half. It's like asking you to detach from your arm, your leg or your heart. It's preposterous on its' face but then when you realize you have to do this or you will get sucked down, you force yourself.

For now I try to put it in medical terms since that is the lingo I am used to. If a limb is diseased you may have to have pieces removed or even the whole limb amputated to save the body. Now let's get all science fiction here. Let's pretend that limb can be temporarily severed and sent off to a treatment facility where it can possibly be salvaged and healed. While it's off being worked on you find a way to go through your day to day life without this previously necessary limb. You adapt to the point where your entire function is back to baseline and you find you can not only survive but thrive without this limb. Maybe the limb ends up being salvaged and they return it. You can either reattach it or continue functioning just fine without it.

Too gruesome? Maybe, but it's the imagery I am using presently to self soothe.

[SH_]

Hi Ralph

Check my last thread as Phoebe and Blu shared some great thoughts on detaching. The word is used frequently on these forums and the interpretation seems varied or misunderstood. But the thoughts from these 2 lovely ladies really hit home for me and helped me know that with the right efforts it will happen,but the time frame will vary for each of us. Work towards it, but don't force it. It will happen with the right effort.

[Ralph88]

Sadsara, as I started reading your post, I was thinking the same example, cut off part of body to save whole. Very nice!!

I will check your post. Thank you.

I'm actually moving along pretty well. Lots on introspection and self awareness. No big things to post.