With second marriages ending in divorce something like 2/3rds of the time, infidelity rates approaching 50% on those that remain married, and more and more people accepting this as normal (over half of college age students now say that a marriage wouldn't have to last to be considered a success) I realize the odds of achieving any long lasting partnership to be pretty small.
Abandonment and disloyalty are not acceptable to me. I won't allow myself to be disrespected and mistreated in those ways. And I have no interest in connecting with people that think this is ok.
And yes, it was deeply troubling. Last night I had a very, very, very vivid and powerful dream. In the middle of it I was in the same room with XW. We were both caring for our children. Loving our children. We were not together, but we were aware of each other's presence. There was a connection between us as we were both aware of the love in the room. One so powerful it was hard to ignore. It was all powerful, the bonds were so strong that no romance, affair partner, or fantasy could offer something more compelling. It felt like there was no way we could not reconnect to preserve the opportunity to all share this eternal love. It was such a real dream I was surprised when I woke up. Then, when I fell back asleep, the dream resumed right where it was before, and I had the same experience again.
These days I'm pretty well at peace. I enjoy my life, I'm not in daily pain, I have no feelings towards XW that compare with repulsion, and overall things are better than ever. But to say that I wasn't scarred to my soul would be a lie. The fact is that nothing will ever shatter me the way this loss did. The death of my parents and even children would be horribly tragic, but even then wouldn't be by the choice of someone that pledged to cherish my heart.
Frankly there is no way I could go through that again. Nothing could do that to me again. Maybe because I won't permit the opportunity, either I won't partner with anyone, wouldn't be able to be that trusting again, but certainly because I won't share children and build a family and bring life into the world again.
So between the mockery that future relationships would be in comparison to what the lifelong partnership with the mother of my children could have been, and the increased likelihood that it would result in a similar rerun, I just don't see it. And I do tend to blame the world for being this way, for if marriage rates and people's commitment to each other were statistically better, then it might be easier to convince myself that it is a good investment. But I am not interested in games that can't be won. As I've said, traditional marriages are phasing out and haven't been replaced by a model that works any better.
Maybe someday I can follow the herd, abandon my beliefs, and endorse the idea of a series of 5-10 year relationships that end with betrayal and abandonment citing escape from abuse and framing it as a positive experience due to the ensuing personal growth. But at this time that seems totally appalling to me and I don't feel this world offers what I'm looking for. I know the saying that there is someone out there, but that is a saying, it is designed to keep people optimistic and doesn't address the reality of the current landscape. There may be someone out there, but statistically speaking I would probably never find them and instead rinse and repeat this destruction again and again. I believe that's the definition of insanity.
It is too bad, while everyone here is grieving the loss of their M, I am grieving the loss of the idea of having a relationship in my life ever, and I do think I'm a bit outside the norm in that regard. But I thought I'd share that because I can't be the only one that feels this way, that is making these conclusions, and is dealing with this fallout.
Sorry to be a downer, I'm going to have a great day today and enjoy what this life still offers. Don't worry about Zues. It's sunny out in MN and things are allright.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
