I can't believe I am posting again. But everyone has always been helpful here, sometimes lifesaving to me, and I thank you all.
I went to yoga last night then my IC. It was a nice combo. My mind stayed in the yoga class, and I let it OUT at IC. Hadn't been there in 3 weeks. Went through a box of tissues. I am very candid and honest with her. She was very supportive, and understands my pain, we discussed how it is surely tied to past relationships. She went off and rattled a list of all my positives and said I should never even think they are wrong or change them. I need to go back where my taking a stand and stating my needs was empowering and the betrayal should not overrule it. She applauds me for still seeing the good in people even when they hurt me, but I shouldn't lose sight of the good in me. She supports my decision for the talk, especially under the circumstance, no matter what happens, this is the end and I won't look anywhere else.
We did not talk last night. He texted when I got out of yoga that he was going to the dinner and he would be home late and asked if we could talk today. I said fine. Then he texted early this morning saying he lad a long road trip for work and asked I if I could talk then. I said I get no privacy at work and I would prefer not. He made a joke asking if I springing something big on him asked if I was pregnant. it lightened the mood because I told him I was (his biggest fear). I told him it was nothing big and if he couldn't talk tonight to call when he could. This weekend he says.
Ellie, I see your POV. I have fully decided to go into this not looking for answers. I don't want them, actually. I may get them even though I don't want them. I just want to clear the air, say my thoughts and release this burden I have been holding.
I had a good night last night. I was relaxed and at peace. Anxiety had left my body for one night. Yoga and therapy helped. I am doing the work to get to a good place. And my therapist said it's okay to be sad. She promised, it would pass. She knows I am working very hard at it, even if it isn't coming in the timeframe as I hoped.
