WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

[SH_]

Well today was an odd one for me and I am still not sure what is going on.

SadSara,
I am trying to document as many bizarre events that happen with her that just don't add up as it relates to our D's. Not to mention her behavior in general is just all over the place. It is actually scary sometimes so I am trying to keep track of it all.

Thank you poschan for the support. It is greatly appreciated.

Thank you V for the reminder. It is a great love that I have for my lil angels and I know theirs is great for me. It is a great challenge for me as it is the love that create the ache in my heart when they are missing in my day. But I know that the joy I experience when they are with me is great. It is the ghosts of what I want for them that haunts. But reminder that we are a family is the comfort that calms the nerves when the ghosts come out.

Rich4j,

The moments when we are where families are is the most difficult for sure. I just hope and pray that i can be a good dad single. With a d that is graduating and one that is starting first grade, I just doubt being able to do well. It may be that my self confidence is really down, because I do know that I will give it all I have, but the faith in myself is sometimes frail.
Thank you for your support today.

So today started off well enough. I had a decent nights rest and woke up early and went jogging. Dropped d17 off for school and off to work. The day at work was normal, I felt calm and a co worker that I have confided in as he has been through 2 divorces, told me that I was handling it well and really seemed on track the past several weeks. I felt a bit tired, but things were moving normally.

Then I received an email from L with a bill much higher than quoted and I was not happy. Then he sent me an email from WAW L indicating he was not able to get a hold of her. This I knew because she told me she would not talk to him because she did not want to pay more.
So the mind starts in the swirl of what the he// am I gonna do. My L keeps trying to work and charging me, while she is dragging her feet and stalling. My finances are tied up, I can't move, get d a car, nor do anything. I feel trapped and anger starts to boil. She wants to leave me and our family and she won't leave. Grrrrrr.

I pick up d5 and I am happy, but I take a chance and ask WAW if we can figure this out and move forward. She says we can, she has someone looking at the paperwork (not her lawyer) but to bring the paperwork tomorrow and she will sign it. Weird, advice from a person not her lawyer. This is what she is doing?

So I then pick up d17and she appears to be feeling down. She says she feels so tired and it is making her emotional. I listen, I pep talk, I encourage. We discuss the meditation book we are reading. I tell her how the info in the book has helped me with the mind loops and remaining calm.

We arrive home, she is feeling better, I am feeling good and we head in. This is where it starts. I see the neighborhood kids and d5 wants to go play with them. Now I know each one of these kids are from broken homes, and not really the kids I have liked d5 hanging out with as I have seen some things where they take advantage of her with her toys. But d enjoys running around with them. I tell her she can for a few minutes. I walk into our home and then I feel uncomfortable. I think it is nothing and I am fine.

Then a few minutes later, I feel the waves of anxiety roll over me. I sit down and try to breath deeply to calm myself. D17 asks me if I am okay. I tell her to give me a few minutes and then went to the bathroom. I splashed my face with some cold water and came to the kitchen to get dinner started. Then the tears just start flowing. The mind starts racing and it goes on for 10 minutes. Me just sitting there crying like a baby.

I have never experienced anything like this before. The range of emotions were many and the mind funnel was all over the place.

We then had dinner. I played with d5 and d17 went to the church youth group event. I pulled up the finance paperwork and see it is still wrong, I cringe as I email L to ask him to change it as we had discussed already and hope he does not charge as it was wrong.

I then spend the rest of the evening cuddling with d5 watching cartoons until she fell asleep.

I received a text from WAW negotiating the terms of the finance agreement. I guess her person found something. Guess this means she won't sign again tomorrow.

I feel numb right now. Not sure if this is good or not. I just hope I sleep tonight. I want to escape this trap. How did I get stuck in this trap? I want to move forward to a future of hope and love.

I am going to find a pencil right now. I need to smile. D5 is next to me snoring. How cute is that?

Good night everyone. May you sleep well and may God watch over you and your families this night.