Ups and Downs (III)

[Ralph88]

No we are not meant to be alone. That is why we group together. It's sad to say, that I miss sleeping with, touching in bed, sex yes, but snuggling and touching of any type body to body closeness more than anything else about my WW. She really wasn't affectionate, I am extremely. That closeness I'm my eyes is the stuff you should only be getting from a very intimate partner, anything else you can get from just about anyone. That is why it is so easy to lose. You can GAL, develop relationship and talk, cook with, visit and share, but you will still lack that very intimate closeness. It [censored]. Oh well.

[JujuB]

I found this old text from before husband even left. It was regarding a conversation/ argument we had.

I wrote to him.." You said earlier that you are not a caretaker or a family person. You are happier independent doing your own thing. I always wanted someone to do things with, have fun with, explore places with, take lessons with, share life with..."

I was really lonely throughout our relationship. I don't know if I was too demanding or needy, or if husband was just not available and I was reacting to that.

[Ralph88]

It was pro a my a little of both of you as in most cases. My IC told me that relationships are a compromise and a negotiation. We should always be meeting in the middle to meet both peoples needs.

[JksD]

Jjb, I hear you on the loneliness part. Throughout the M, I was always quite lonely. So I am looking at 10 years of loneliness plus possibly the rest of my life as well.

But jjb, for the time being, you need to put on your big girl panties. You have to get ready what you need for the mediation process. Make a to-do list.

I was there before. The idea of the D pained me so much that it fell to the last of my priorities when it should have been the first. My L had to chase after me for things and I didnt use my usual analytical skills to examine the info. I am now paying for that.

Take a deep breath, give yourself some time to mourn your R, and then you must get on with your prep.

(((Jjb))) This is not easy but this has to be done.

[JujuB]

Agreed it was both of us. I am currently trying to figure out if our divorce is the result of

Incompatibility or Lack of committment from both partners.

But will reflect more tomorrow. I need sleep.

[JujuB]

Jjb, I hear you on the loneliness part. Throughout the M, I was always quite lonely. So I am looking at 10 years of loneliness plus possibly the rest of my life as well.

But jjb, for the time being, you need to put on your big girl panties. You have to get ready what you need for the mediation process. Make a to-do list.

I was there before. The idea of the D pained me so much that it fell to the last of my priorities when it should have been the first. My L had to chase after me for things and I didnt use my usual analytical skills to examine the info. I am now paying for that.

Take a deep breath, give yourself some time to mourn your R, and then you must get on with your prep.

(((Jjb))) This is not easy but this has to be done.

Thank you GRL! You are absolutely right. How are you paying for it? Did you give in to something you feel like you should not have? is it to late now?

[Ralph88]

I agree here. I was in my own fog for years of my R as well as post BD. I will not be in a fog during D. I will no longer be taken, lied to, minupulated, or gaslighted. I will succeed. I will protect my family that remains after this WW craziness, myself and my kids.

[JksD]

Hi jjb,
I vaguely knew that the xh had some money stashed away which he didn't declare. I should have outted him. I didnt. It would have affected the judge's opinion of his integrity and it would have affected the outcome of the fins decisions.

I wish I could help you more with the legal process but the process here is very much different from yours.

You are a strong woman and a great mum. You can do this!

[OFP]

Sometimes i feel like I'm self sabatoging. Or maybe deep down I don't want this relationship either. Maybe I never did and was just pushing husband away in past cause I didn't have guts to end things back then.

Interesting that you too came to this conclusion fairly quickly, possibly faster than myself even.

I am point keeping because I need to know it's not all me. I often feel like it is.

This one was hard for me too. Blaming the other is not healthy, Blaming yourself is not healthy. Well then who am I supposed to blame? No one I guess. But it takes time.

Let me ask one question...what would it mean if it was all you? What if it is your fault? Why would that be the end of the world?

I'm not saying it is.

But if it was, wouldn't that mean you could change the dynamic of your interactions, and could potentially save your M, and have the M you wanted? What is so horrible about that?

That's an interesting perspective. If only it was that easy! We could make a change and the spouse would come running back, right? So we make that change, and they don't come back anyway. Well, in my case, there's nothing at all I can do different before the OFP is up.

Thanks jksd. Thats all done. I guess no one wants to deal with the actual process of it. I do want to do it the right way though. I want to avoid a nasty battle, I want to be fair, I do not want to be taken advantage of.

This was my approach also... go in with the intent of being fair, hopefully she would too. Wrong! I assume her atty ran the game, she was too dumb to say anything to him, or was just being too greedy herself, I'll never know. Go in planning to sound aggressive, act aggressive, but plan to make a LOT of concessions! Every concession will feel like another stab in the heart. It will drive you crazy. In about 2 weeks you'll look back at the concessions and say "I guess that wasn't so bad after all." Well, hopefully anyway.

I think we were just two people that did not know how to make a relationship work. I have been thinking about it a lot. We had very different needs, we had different interests. When I married him my best friend talked to me about really considering it. Not because my husband is a bad guy, but she was concerned about compatibility. My mother also told me "you are day, he is night".

Same here... the incompatibility is possibly what made you miserable? Made you resent him? Lack of ability to have a conversation on the same level should possibly jump right to the top of the list?

Now that's not to say there were not good times.

I would sure hope so, otherwise why would you have stayed?

I didn't think these issues were unsolvable but he did. I truly believed that we could have went to a good therapist, read and did exercises to improve the relationship, learned about the nature of relationships and the universal issues between husbands and wives so that we could understand them and learn to address them. He did not want to.

I hear you. Another item to add to the list of incompatibilities, you can't change a person's interest in improvement, whether it is life, the M, or even self.

Sometimes I wonder if I did this. Was I too impulsive? Did I self sabatoge with taking husband to court/ calling him out at court/ a lot of my reactions? I am Definatly more comfortable out of limbo. At time I felt like such a failure and so guilt ridden.

I questioned this also. But sounds like you are stuck as I was. In some cases, the only way out of limbo is D. And if your M was as you have stated, it may have been inevitable anyway.

[JujuB]

I am LIVID. Like so mad, I am sitting in the parking lot waiting to drive home mad.

Just walked out of a CONSULT with a mediator. The guy was a thick gold chained wearing a...h....

So basically, he's asking a lot of questions and I haven't agreed to his services yet, so I said to him politely, that I was hoping to just get some information about the mediation process at this point. (I am not looking to waste my time, and give out my information when this is just an unpaid consult. I did not say this)

So he started talking and repeating himself over and over about some 65 page packet that's costs 7000 vs his packet that costs a lot less..and then starts asking me if I love my son? WTF??? And why would I allow a judge to make a decision about my son?

And then drilling me about something else I can't remember. I said "I'm not sure yet" and he kept asking me "why are you not sure yet. Why are you not sure yet." At this point I said to him "right now this isn't about me or what I want to do, it's about whether I want to use your services...and I dont. I'm leaving"

It was insane. And my husband sat there all polite and stayed and talked to him after I left. This guy was using bullying tactics that I find ignorant assholes like to use on people that are uneducated.

Seriously. I don't expect this type of treatment from a professional! This is supposed to be a collaborative process. Not some m fr trying to proove to everyone in the room that he's got the biggest pair.

My husband just texted me and apologized. He agreed, so it's not just me. But you know something? He didn't walk out with me. Not that I expected him to.