You're right, she won't miss me if she's not given the opportunity to miss me.
I have been been a real manly bad @ss though (just kidding). For some reason, my wife doesn't want me to go to her apartment complex. I know where she's living but she doesn't want me to go over there. Really weird, right? (There's no OM living there.) My youngest son mentioned to me last night that my wife had said that maybe we could start meeting someplace in between my house and her apartment to do the kiddie exchange. I told him (loud enough that she could hear) that since she doesn't want me at the apartment complex, she can drive to my house every time there's an exchange.
I'm doing a lot of work on the yard and house and I expect it to be spiffy in a few weeks. So, I'm happy for her to see what she's missing.
I wouldn't press wanting to go to her place (not that you are). She doesn't want you there, don't go. As far as meeting halfway, I might agree sometimes, but not everytime. Keep yourself busy, so when its time for the exchange, you are busy with something and need her to just drop them off.
I think what DigIt said is correct, but now I want to add to your confusion. I've used a DB coach six times; they tend to take a softer approach, but at the same time they'll have you do things differently than spouse expects (essentially a 180). For example, if your wife is filing for divorce and she wants to tell the children about the pending divorce, then you can "help" he achieve what she wants. You can look for articles and/or get advice on how best to talk to children about divorce and pass the information along to her. She's not expecting that; she's not expecting you to help her toward that goal.
From the time my wife dropped the bomb, I'd been trying to delay the move-out and the divorce. So, even though I was trying to create distance, I was still in pursuit. I'd gotten my wife to agree to wait until the end of the school year to move out. However, I found out she'd already leased an apartment. After I found out about that, I decided to give her the heave-ho out the door (a 180). I thought I was relatively nice about it, but she later said that I'd more-or-less said "get the f*ck out." But really, it was a kind "get the f*ck out." Once the move was initiated, she seemed to snap out of the fog somewhat. She's not anywhere near out of the fog, but reality is setting in. Tons of money has been spent, the boys are unhappy, I'm certain she doesn't like where she's living and I know she's stressed and depressed. It's not fun, but she got what she wanted and she's feeling the pain.
One other tidbit that I'll leave you with; my wife is in an EA with a "happily married man." She claims he's "just a friend" but she'll divorce me over the friend (I'd call that an EA). I've put up with the EA for a while because I thought she'd come out of the fog. I don't think I would do that again; I think I'd just tell her to get her stuff and get out. I don't think a DB coach would tell you to do that, but I'm no longer willing to tolerate infidelity; they'll just do it again.
I think what DigIt said is correct, but now I want to add to your confusion. I've used a DB coach six times; they tend to take a softer approach, but at the same time they'll have you do things differently than spouse expects (essentially a 180). For example, if your wife is filing for divorce and she wants to tell the children about the pending divorce, then you can "help" he achieve what she wants. You can look for articles and/or get advice on how best to talk to children about divorce and pass the information along to her. She's not expecting that; she's not expecting you to help her toward that goal.
From the time my wife dropped the bomb, I'd been trying to delay the move-out and the divorce. So, even though I was trying to create distance, I was still in pursuit. I'd gotten my wife to agree to wait until the end of the school year to move out. However, I found out she'd already leased an apartment. After I found out about that, I decided to give her the heave-ho out the door (a 180). I thought I was relatively nice about it, but she later said that I'd more-or-less said "get the f*ck out." But really, it was a kind "get the f*ck out." Once the move was initiated, she seemed to snap out of the fog somewhat. She's not anywhere near out of the fog, but reality is setting in. Tons of money has been spent, the boys are unhappy, I'm certain she doesn't like where she's living and I know she's stressed and depressed. It's not fun, but she got what she wanted and she's feeling the pain.
One other tidbit that I'll leave you with; my wife is in an EA with a "happily married man." She claims he's "just a friend" but she'll divorce me over the friend (I'd call that an EA). I've put up with the EA for a while because I thought she'd come out of the fog. I don't think I would do that again; I think I'd just tell her to get her stuff and get out. I don't think a DB coach would tell you to do that, but I'm no longer willing to tolerate infidelity; they'll just do it again.
I absolutely agree with the 180 approach. I was fighting tooth and nail that she didn't want this, you're not thinking clearly, there's other ways, bla bla bla.
I finally felt, y'know what, if this is what you want, I'm game. It's not gonna get any worse than a D. Can only go up from there. She hasn't said anything about it since I started agreeing with her thinking. I won't file, but I would definitely sign papers if she did want to go thru with it.
I'm with you! Help them out the door with a smile on your face.
I know for a fact that my wife thought I'd fall to pieces without her, and that didn't happen. She's living in an apartment with no yard, very sad sons, no dog and she's pinching pennies. I'm certain it's not what she wanted. I'm not relishing that; it's been very hard on all of us, but it's what seems to be working.
I will say that I'm a lot tougher than I was before all of this nonsense. I was pretty much a candy-@ss, but no more and never again.
I'm with you! Help them out the door with a smile on your face.
I know for a fact that my wife thought I'd fall to pieces without her, and that didn't happen. She's living in an apartment with no yard, very sad sons, no dog and she's pinching pennies. I'm certain it's not what she wanted. I'm not relishing that; it's been very hard on all of us, but it's what seems to be working.
I will say that I'm a lot tougher than I was before all of this nonsense. I was pretty much a candy-@ss, but no more and never again.
I have a stepson that is in college, but we also have 2 dogs. Really wondering what she is gonna do about that, as we haven't discussed it but I know where she is moving has a 1 dog limit and she's always been adamant about keeping them together. I think SHE would fall apart without the pups, nevermind me!
I was just thinking about something my wife said and a light turned-on...
Over the past couple of days my wife has said that after her move is completed (it's completed) that she'll make sure she doesn't arrive at my house unannounced. She said a little more than that, but I've forgotten her exact words. She told me the same thing several times. I just shrugged it off because I don't really care; I've got nothing to hide.
I finally realized what her comments were all about. She probably thinks there's another woman around (there isn't). I'd pushed her out the door three weeks prior to the original planned move-out date. I'd never given any thought to how that might look to someone else. I'm a bit naive I guess.
Does anyone think that she was temp checking or am I reading too much into her comment?
You're right, I need to pay more attention to everything she says. Not listening to her has been one of my weaknesses.
Thanks!
no problem! Wasn't saying you never listen, but I've been trying to be extremely attentive, as I should be. I've found that helping people here helps me to remember to do it myself.
