Moving Ahead in UK - pt17 - been here so long!

[Sotto]

Hey Huddy, glad to see others have chimed in already with sage advice and thanks for kindly visiting on my thread.

Asking about each other's day is quite different to conveying medical updates about the kids. There should be no need for you to 'ask about her day' in order to get this info. That part isn't about you and she, but about you both as parents being able to do the best job possible, and with all required info.

As for feeling you are doing everything and all is as it is - I think it pays to remember that DBing truly is primarily to save us - and may or may not save the R at some point down the line. The main thing is to be living the kind of life you want to live (given all circumstances) and to be the kind of man you want to be. If you are doing those things, I don't think you can ever lose - however things may ultimately unfold.

Hope your D is all better now and you get a better sleep tonight x

[Rose888]

Now you know it needs to be spelled out in your custody agreement that both parents shall promptly inform the other of school and medical issues and appointments they make, make sure the other parent can participate in upcoming appointments, and that there can be no unilateral actions.

She's not going to become reasonable, I think.

Exactly. You shouldn't have to ask.

[rd500]

Hi Huddy. Just to echo everyone else. You aren't going to ask if your son went for a ADHD test out of the blue

Sandi says best , she feels entitled and that could last for years t come.

As regards of you missed a trick , I would say most definitely not. Your W is obviously affected by your changes or else she wouldn't care and show indifference towards you Time is king and it's only a short time in your sitch.

Keep improving , keep being a great dad and live your life for you

Just to play devils advocate , your W left telling you she was unhappy and what's happened in your lives ?

W

She boss lives in a council flat
She's looking for cosmetic surgery
She's never happy
What future does she have to look forward to

Huddy

Appears to have moved on
Has nice new flat
Being on an exotic holiday
Improved as a dad
Getting fitter
Appears happy and content to W

If I was your W , I certainly wouldn't feel I had made the wisest choice Maybe that's were some resentment is coming from But if it is , that's her issue

Just my humble opinion

Hope D is feeling better now

Take care. Rd

[Huddy]

Hi Everybody

Thanks, one and all for your advice/statements.

Yes, D is feeling better and is looking forward to a smoothy when she gets back to W's!

When W came to pick the kids up, something had clearly been eating at her as she has now invited me to come to the appointment and has arranged to pick me up from my flat (she hasn't offered me anything since 2nd January). I agree, I shouldn't have to ask this kind of thing - I immediately texted W when D was sick this morning.

Maybe it is some kind of resentment and thanks to a over arching rundown from RD (to be honest, I didn't realise how much I have achieved since BD) yes, I could be seen to be the winner here.

I hope everybody has a good Bank Holiday tomorrow and I hope to get some sleep tonight!

Thanks again, one and all.

[Huddy]

Ah, resentment. Yes, it appears to have reared its ugly head.

W brought the kids over for tea and then asked what I was doing Friday. I'm not one for telling fibs, or trying to make W think I have some hot date (Sotto put me right on that one!) so I told her I was going to the gym after work and I asked why.

That's when I saw it. That resentful look that I was actually doing something with my life and I wasn't sat around moping. 'The Gym?' came the withering response, followed by a look, that is difficult to describe, but if you have seen resentment, you'll know the look.

She was asking for me to look after S as D was having a friend over for a sleepover and there is nowhere for D's friend to sleep. Of course I agreed, and said I would rearrange gym for the morning, before work. Obviously, if it had been something that W wanted to do, for her advantage, I wouldn't have re-arranged.

W then left to go back to her house, but hadn't been gone two minutes when she called to let me know that there was a rainbow outside and I needed to tell D about it. Bizarre.

When she came to pick the kids up, the cheery face she had on when she first came had gone, replaced with melancholy. I show only a confident side to W (I let me insecurities lurk in this thread) and was happy and jovial. W left with a grumpy 'bye, then'.

Hmmmmm......

[Huddy]

Went for a meeting with my S's Consultant today about his ADD (not ADHD as W first told me). W picked me up from my flat. I had been to the gym this morning and have been uber confident.

W immediately started asking me about what I'd been doing and was especially interested in my gym routine and weight loss. Temp checking or reali interest? Don't know. Picked up my SD and for the first time visited W's accommodation. It's OK, but you can tell her hert isn't there as the garden was a mess and W loves to do gardening.

Went to the hospital and W was a bit tetchy. She kept slipping the edge of her cardigan to show me her arms. She is obviously stressed as she has scratched down one arm and has left some gouging. I noticed that she continued to do this when she was talking to me and seemed nervous.

W dropped me back off at my flat and was asking more questions. Maybe she thinks I've got somebody else. Who knows. Quite a pleasant three hours and W was talking to me about coming over for S's birthday in a few weeks.

No expectations.

[roist]

I was just wondering how you were getting on. Thanks for the update. Hope appointment went well for son.

Best wishes mate

[Huddy]

Hi Roist

Plugging on! Forgot to say that the Doctor said that the home environment has an effect on my S's autism and that separation probably isn't helping. W was very quiet on that one and didn't reply.

[Huddy]

My W poked her head out of the fog at the weekend. Texted me twice and called once. Some of it was stuff she could have talked to me about when she picked the kids up, but I was polite and positive in my interaction.

However, she seemed to have put her head back in the fog yesterday when she brought the kids over with SD as she sat down on the setee and stared out of the window. That seems to be a problem, whenever SD comes, she reverts to being a hard ass. Don't know if this is some kind of defence mechanism or not. When she picked kids up later, with out SD, we chatted about S's birthday. I noticed that she is starting to have a 'poke about' when she comes to the flat. The past two times she has been looking in rooms etc. Maybe she thinks I've got somebody else.

So, if the fog is lifting slightly, do I make some kind of signal or just keep going as is? If she was going to come out of the fog, I don't want to give out the wrong signals.

[Sotto]

Hi Huddy, try not to read too much into 'unnecessary' contact from your W. She may just have thought of it and wanted to deal with it there and then.

I think we do ourselves a huge disservice if we watch and wait for our spouse to get their heads out of the fog. They may do so soon, it may take one year, five or never - we just don't know.

IMHO, it was your W's choice to 'end' your M. If she regrets her choice, she will clearly let you know for sure. Until or unless that happens, I would live your life as if she isn't coming back and coparent as best you can.

From what you post, she may (or may not) have had a tiny peek out and ducked back in, but her behaviour when she came around says something too. I wouldn't analyse every interaction - it's no way to live your own life.

I think you're focusing too much on her and need to regroup and detach - it's a mini 2x4 and well meant my friend. X