I think what DigIt said is correct, but now I want to add to your confusion. I've used a DB coach six times; they tend to take a softer approach, but at the same time they'll have you do things differently than spouse expects (essentially a 180). For example, if your wife is filing for divorce and she wants to tell the children about the pending divorce, then you can "help" he achieve what she wants. You can look for articles and/or get advice on how best to talk to children about divorce and pass the information along to her. She's not expecting that; she's not expecting you to help her toward that goal.
From the time my wife dropped the bomb, I'd been trying to delay the move-out and the divorce. So, even though I was trying to create distance, I was still in pursuit. I'd gotten my wife to agree to wait until the end of the school year to move out. However, I found out she'd already leased an apartment. After I found out about that, I decided to give her the heave-ho out the door (a 180). I thought I was relatively nice about it, but she later said that I'd more-or-less said "get the f*ck out." But really, it was a kind "get the f*ck out." Once the move was initiated, she seemed to snap out of the fog somewhat. She's not anywhere near out of the fog, but reality is setting in. Tons of money has been spent, the boys are unhappy, I'm certain she doesn't like where she's living and I know she's stressed and depressed. It's not fun, but she got what she wanted and she's feeling the pain.
One other tidbit that I'll leave you with; my wife is in an EA with a "happily married man." She claims he's "just a friend" but she'll divorce me over the friend (I'd call that an EA). I've put up with the EA for a while because I thought she'd come out of the fog. I don't think I would do that again; I think I'd just tell her to get her stuff and get out. I don't think a DB coach would tell you to do that, but I'm no longer willing to tolerate infidelity; they'll just do it again.
I absolutely agree with the 180 approach. I was fighting tooth and nail that she didn't want this, you're not thinking clearly, there's other ways, bla bla bla.
I finally felt, y'know what, if this is what you want, I'm game. It's not gonna get any worse than a D. Can only go up from there. She hasn't said anything about it since I started agreeing with her thinking. I won't file, but I would definitely sign papers if she did want to go thru with it.
