Some days are better than others

[EDF]

Had an... interesting... talk with my wife last night. Still don't know what to think. Very limited light conversation during the evening. After the lights went out and we're lying in bed she told me she was sorry that she still didn't know where we stood. She started talking about her emotions and some of what she's going through. I tried hard to just listen and validate/empathize and felt I did ok but some of the stuff was really hard to hear... e.g. about her having a strong urge to meet other people and can't stop thinking about it. She doesn't know I found out about her EA and pursuit of OM so I think she talks about "other people" as a pseudonym for him.

She continues to portray that OM is just a good friend. She expressed frustration that he's too worried about his kids and his paranoid wife to want to hang out with her. That he suggested a year ago they should hang out since both live in the same area, but then he seems to never want to do anything.

One of her statements was about "her feeling so ignored by me, but then getting in better shape and getting her confidence back. Part of her thinks I should let her explore things with other people as punishment for that. She realizes that would not be nice, but sometimes she doesn't want to be nice... sometimes she wants to be a slut."

How the hell do you respond to that?

I was close to saying "well, let me make that easier for you let's just get divorced and you can do whatever the [censored] you want!" or telling her snarkily maybe she could just move in with OM and his W and then everything would be perfect.

I was reeling... said something like "I hear you; I'm not sure how to respond to that and it is very hard for me to hear, but I hear how much of a struggle it is for you."

She talks about feeling like she knows she'll never truly be happy with anyone so she wants to just do whatever makes her happy in the moment.

During the conversation where she did most of the talking I managed to slip in a couple things that she seemed receptive to. I apologized for making her feel so lonely in the past - that it must have been so painful for her to feel alone even when I'm in the same room (because I'm on my electronics) or when we're out together in public and I'm zoning out instead of being with her. My phone coach had been very helpful in helping me arrive at a better understanding of what I had done that was most painful to her, and I think the apology resonated with her.

During her complaints about "friend" OM and him saying he wants to hang out but being so unavailable I mentioned that I understand that's frustrating and I feel people generally reveal their true priorities through their actions. She said "Yea, I guess I'm not much of a priority to him."

Although I managed to avoid any big dramatics, stupidly after the long rolling conversation and her seeming to open up so much, I somehow decided it would be a good idea to semi-confront her about OM. I told her that with me out of my funk I had been noticing some of her behaviors and how she describes things, and while I wasn't sure what exactly the situation was it was pretty clear to me that she wished she could be more than just friends with OM. She denied, said she knew he would be bad for her, that he loved his kids too much, that he just makes her feel like one of the guys, he's kind of an [censored], and "it's not like she wants to [censored] him". I just listened and maintained eye contact. Backed off and didn't pursue the conversation more... just said "Whatever the situation is there, I hope you're eventually able to figure out what will make you happy."

In hindsight, I feel I would have been better off not bringing him up. Really I should have known that, but in the moment... I guess I was hoping she might admit to at least a little bit of feeling there so I could set a boundary. I should have just been strong; maybe said something that simply reinforced who I was rather than trying to get her to reveal what he was. Something that subtly reinforced me as a beacon. Missed opportunity.

Honestly, anytime I've mentioned him whatsoever, it has never worked to my benefit.