Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[Accuray]

Agree with LiM -- there is really nothing to talk about.

I know you *want* to talk to her with every fiber of your being because you desperately want information about what she's thinking.

Here's what happens in these situations:

Your wife is scared. She feels like she's stepping off a cliff by leaving the house and pursuing a relationship with this affair partner. In the early stages of an affair the guy can do no wrong and is "perfect" but eventually reality sets in and she will start to see things she doesn't like, that that will increase her anxiety and make her worry even more.

If she can temperature check you and get assurance that you are still hers for the taking, then you are her insurance policy on the shelf, and she can continue to do whatever she wants and feel like she has a soft landing back with you if things don't work out.

It's the best possible scenario for her right? Do whatever she wants, and if it doesn't work, just come back home and be accepted with open arms. Who wouldn't want to set that up for themselves?

I'm not saying she's doing that as a diabolical plan, she's I'm sure not even aware she's doing it, she's just reacting out of fear.

The minute she gets assurance from you that you would take her back, you'll go right to the bottom of her priority stack and she'll stop thinking about you at all.

*You should NOT tell her what you're thinking or how you're feeling*. She NEEDS TO WONDER what's going on with you. It's the best thing you can do right now. Keep your cards close to the vest. Don't tell her where you're going for the weekend, don't tell her who you're with, don't tell her how you're feeling or what you're thinking, tell her nothing.

Share the same level of information with her that you would with a co-worker you don't know that well. You wouldn't be rude, but you wouldn't be very forthcoming either.

If she gets uncomfortable, lashes out, gets angry, breaks down, whatever, just let her do it. It's not your job to fix that for her right now. You will feel the need to reassure her as that's been your learned role in this relationship. The *hard part* is to step back from that and let her fall or tantrum without stepping in.

Do NOT have any relationship talks at all. Your repeated response should be "You're in a relationship with someone else, I consider that disrespectful to our marriage. If you want to talk down the line we can see where we both are, but I won't discuss my thoughts and feelings with you when you are involved with someone else"

The best thing you can do for your situation right now is dig deep and be tough.

Doing this successfully will go against every instinct and intuition you have. That's what makes it really, really hard.

Acc