Day Two

[ciluzen]

Hi LT.

I have two adult daughters that are experiencing my H and I going through D (he filed in Jan and we have a second mediation coming up this summer). They have been very open with me about the confusion, pain and sometimes out and out anger they deal with due to our separation (and now the sale of our family home, as well).

They love us both.
They miss being able to use us as an example of a "good" relationship.
They are now in the position of feeling they have to comfort and advise us (parent/child relationship flip).
Our holidays/ special occasions are separate, difficult,and stressful rather than comforting and joyous.
They want "Mommy and Daddy" when they are having a hard time, but feel guilty burdening us while we are both already mentally and emotionally stressed.
They are unmoored.
They almost feel that they were lied to...that our loving R was an act (what does that mean about our love for them?).

All of these emotions are complex and confusing. Add to the mix that your daughter is a teen and her world was turned upside down when hormones, school, and her own foray into the world of teen relationships are pushing her stress levels up and over...What a mix! Then to watch you two get back together...
She is probably hopeful, but at the same time doesn't want to go through the pain again. Of course she's going to be angry...at the world.

You're right. A counselor might help, but maybe not to control her behavior. Maybe more to help her understand her anger and channel those feelings, understand them, and deal with them in a healthier way. Putting your foot down and "disallowing the behavior" (I agree, it does need to stop) by just getting tough will most likely blow up in a worse way unless she is helped to understand what is happening...to her.

I'm happy for you that even after D, the two of you are still trying to work on things. Working together to deal with your daughter's issues through a counselor can also be a doorway to understanding your own. I hope it is helpful to all of you.