Focus on the work, not the when

[Melo]

Thank you Vise and SadHub, I will keep my head up.

[Melo]

Had an R talk with the W today. She said that she wants to live on her own with the kids. I said if that's what you want, that's ok with me. She told me to stop agreeing with her and tell her what I feel. So I did, I told her that I initially was fighting for the family, but that I shifted to fighting for me. I said that I don't want to go back to the M we had before, I want to heal so I can have a brand new M. We went over some of the things that caused us to grow this far apart. She didn't spew too much hate. She did say that her therapist told her that she didn't think things would work out between us, based on my W not wanting to fight for the M, so it (MC) would be a waste of time for both of us. She said that she needs to be alone to heal. She didn't mention OM or her obsession with him. I really don't have any evidence that they are currently together. But she has many, many, many papers that she documented all of the calls to psychic hotlines, she has the dates of birth of OM, his sister, brother, mother, along with his sister's address. W also has a list of over 20 different psychics that she called, divided into a list of who was good and who wasn't. So all of this goes to show that she was very obsessed at some point. I am thinking of showing MIL, so that maybe she can get her out of the fog. I was going to tell OMW, which is really his long term GF they were never married, but there is no evidence that he has done anything inappropriate and wouldn't want to stir unnecessary trouble. Although if OMGF were to tell my W it would definitely have a bigger impact. I don't know whether to do it or just let the A die a natural death...eventually.

[bigybiz]

Melo: You are my hero. Good for you for telling her that you are fighting for you. How was your self defense class? When I read that, I decided I will try one too. You are helping me more than you know.

[Melo]

Thank you Biz. I think it is awesome that we can help others through posting our experiences. Glad to hear you signed up for martial arts classes! Mine is this Friday and I can't wait!
Had another R talk and W said that she is going through a lot of pain. She doesn't trust me, due to not having told her about cheating 9 years ago. W said that some days she's ok and somedays just remembers it (my cheating) and gets angry. She reiterated that she has said a lot of healing to do and she has to be alone in order to do it. She said I was very self centered throughout the M. I agreed (it's sorta true although I was really sacrificing a lot for the family). I said I was sorry for cheating and for not telling her sooner. W apologized for putting me down so much in thr the MR. W said that she doesn't like who she became over here past year. Doesn't want an R, but maybe the fog is lifting?

[bigybiz]

Melo: I've not heard from you in a few days. Let me know how you are doing?

[SH_]

Hi melo,

Just checking in on you my friend. Hope all is well.

[Melo]

Thanks for checking in Biz and Hub! I have been ok the past few days, trying different things, seeing what works. For Mother's day, I gave her a kiss on the forehead and she thanked me. This morning I asked her about her sister and it evolved into an R talk. She was talking about other couples who she never thought would make it and somehow have not only made it, but they are thriving (including her ex-husband). I wanted to tell her that EVERY couple goes through tough times and the fact that they are doing so well now is because they chose to work through difficult things together. But I just listened, didn't validate very well and got defensive when she was telling me that I am holding on to the MR, she always says that. So I told her that I'm not holding on, that I see things for what they are and accept reality. She said that it's easier for me because this would be the first time I'm turning my back on a marriage and it's the second time for her after her first divorce. I clarified that I wasn't turning my back on the MR and she said, "I know, I did a year ago"...ouch! I took deep breaths and didn't get too angry. I ended the conversation when she said "You want to get things back and I don't" and I told her that's not what I want, then she said " You want to start all over..." so I told her, when she is done talking for me, then we can talk and I walked away. Holy hormones Batman! She still doesn't respect me!

[vise82]

Hey just stopping by to give support.

Its good that you are not stopping her from wanting to move out. You have to let her do what she thinks she needs to do.

As for you I believe that you are to move forward also, just as you are doing. Hang in there your doing good. listen and validate as much as you can. How has the in house S been
? Is the pressure off of W now that you are not the one keeping her in house?

Good job not letting her talk for you, that is very strong to just walk away for the boundary of no disrespect.

[SH_]

I need to take a page out of your book for keeping a cool head.

Thanks for sharing Melo and it is good to hear you are doing well.

Keep us posted and keep sharing as you have made some great stride in your journey.

[Melo]

Thanks Vise and Hub, I appreciate the check in and the encouragement, I am usually too hard on myself.
Vise: In house S is living he11. There is still the same pressure because there is the same dynamic, I don't have enough leverage to change it while I'm in the house. I am kinda relieved that we are going to go our seperate ways, honestly I think I need the peace.
I think the W was looking to have some more R talk this afternoon, when I got home she sat at the table with me when I had dinner, but she was visibly pissed and when I asked some questions I got one word answers. So I finished eating and got up and made a phone call. She got even more pissed and took the kids upstairs to the attic and left me alone downstairs. I heard them laughing and having a great time. I was feeling kind of offended. Then the kids came downstairs and hung out with me for the rest of the night. Without me asking them to! So all in all a good night I think.