14 days of sheer hell, still in fog 5

[doodler]

DDJ,

The doodler has to chime in; it is definitely a boundary.

But, I'm not sure it's the boundary you want. One thing to think about is you said "if she goes out with OM2 on Thursday and Saturday." What happens if she goes out with OM2 on just one of those days?

I don't think spouses should date while they're married. Is she going on a date with OM2? My inclination is to say something like, "If you go out with other guys, then you'll find you stuff out by the street." I like that, but it may not be DB. I guess the question is; what would Sandi do?

[DDJ]

Sandi would throw her out!

[DDJ]

ooh, could i say " I will not stand for this behaviour, I want you out." And then throw her things in the car. and lock the gate behind me. It will drive her straight to his arms, but that's her choice?

[doodler]

DDJ,

What if you asked your wife out, in advance, on Thursday and Saturday? Date your wife (displace the OM). It can be simple and inexpensive.

[DDJ]

Nope, thats controlling dood, she needs to decide her own life. Me asking her out would be seen right through for what it is. I cannot be melty.

I have replied to two emails to the wife whole day. Sent a TM asking for funds into my acc - mmmhhh, she controls the money...

Anyhows, i cannot force her issue, only my own.

[DDJ]

ok, how does this sound - "i refuse to live in an open relationship - if you want to continue to stay here then you need to sleep in the next room or leave!"

I like this one.

[dream]

I don't see how any of those scenarios are helpful to your end goal of saving your marriage. Do you still want to work things out with your wife?

As far as I can tell, you two are separated, but living together. You're clearly not at the reconciliation phase of working things out. You cannot control where she goes, what she does, who she talks to... etc. Just like she can't control where you go, what you do, or who you talk to. You're both free to do whatever you want at this point. Of course your actions have consequences, but that's also up to both of you to decide.

The meaning behind "focus on yourself" is that you worry about what you're doing and not what she is or isn't doing. Yet, many of your posts are all about her! You're focused on her and you react based on what (you think) she's doing/thinking. Instead of focusing on yourself and working towards your goals.

I agree the text exchange between her and OM2 is highly inappropriate. However, that's her choice to make. I'm not at all surprised as to what the message said since she's been going out with this guy for the past few weeks and she doesn't get home until early morning. It's clear that he wants a piece of her and by her actions, she may be willing to give it to him. He certainly thinks it's worth a try.

You can't stop her from doing whatever she wants to do. However, you can choose to no longer work on your marriage. Only you can decide if you're at that point. Until then, focus on your goals. Make yourself a person only a fool would leave... right?

[dream]

I asked her to think about what she would be willing to do to get things where they need to be so that we can move forward, together.

I forgot to respond to this.

What things do YOU need from her to move forward? A remorseful spouse is willing to do anything a betrayed spouse needs to work things out.

[Natus]

While i agree that if she went ahead w OM i would probably file D but i like doodlers suggestion.

Convey your concerns about other OM and her behavior and that it would legitimately get in the way of you two ever reconciling. She can either choose you or OM without you having to give ultimatum or threats of D.

[DDJ]

Dream, i've always toyed with the idea of her leaving. I've always had one foot in and one out - but my heart fully in it. I know that things have to get worse before they get better, but I refuse to just sit around and watch it get worse whilst i'm focusing on myself. IT's going to get worse regardless.

Right now, all of these things that i'm doing are preparing for the worst case. I do not have 3 or 4 months to GAL and hope that she sees, i wont care if she sees by then. I know what I want in a W, and within the next month or so, this WW will not encompass any of those things.

So as much as I need to GAL, i need to protect myself financially and emotionally for the inevitable.

As for what she is willing to change, right now, nothing. The same whatsapp friend that sent her porn, that she deleted a month ago, is back on chat with her.

I will become the person only a fool would leave, but I refuse to be the fool until that day.

She was upset about something I said when i put the car on FB, and blurted out "I don't know why i'm wasting my time with you." I never reacted. Some people need to get their wishes answered.
I told her that I refuse to be in an open marriage where one of us can simply say i'm going out, with strange men and then come back at 3am. I said that I will not share a bed with someone that does not want to share it with me. And that's me being honest as you know, I refuse to accept a cheating wife back. So let's see what happens at 3am GMT+2 since it just popped up that OM2 BF has passed his doctorate and she's going out tonight. I brought up the bed thing after she brought it up, as I was saving it for tomorrow when she was getting done.

I also said that the TMs between OM are inappropriate and got the usual, "i'm just flirting". She is not remorseful and probably might never be. She's even stopped cleaning, fog for OM2 is blocking the lighthouse.

I know that I gave her an ultimatum about the bed. The next ultimatum is going to be D. I believe that I am no longer working on my marriage.

Now i can focus on me!