What should I be doing? (2)

[Coconut]

Fck, fck, fck.... I really fckd up... I think I may have just put myself on the path to D... I can't believe I did thiIs, I don't even want to write this... I just blew everything up.

Yesterday was the first day that WW, S and I were home for an entire evening, I was planning on going out, but time got away from me. I was going to take S grocery shopping, he wants to go vegan and we have to figure out how (what to buy, recipes, etc.). So I went to W and told her S wants to go vegan and started discussing, we had a family discussion and it felt so good, it put a longing in my heart to be a family again..

Later in night, S had fallen asleep on couch and WW was studying in den, and I went to talk. I was really down and I asked "what are we doing". We discussed everything.. I asked her why she nvr talked to me, she said I wanted space, I told her I wanted an apology. She said that she has told me she really fckd up, and that she can't believe she did it, but that she was really hurt by me. She still said I really fckd up to, and still considers my fck up as bad as hers.. We talked about the negative effect my actions had on son and one thing she won't do is deal with her son being hurt like his biological father did to him. She said she considers my S to be mine, and would never try and keep me out of his life. She talked about her therapy session and how much it hurt to talk about everything.

She said that she lost attraction to me and doesn't know if she can get it back (which is why I need to keep DBng if it's still possible). She answered questions on A, says she has had no communication with OM although she has seen him at station, but no talking. Said we need to restart R as new and see where it goes, I said I still need to focus on me... I invited her back into MBR, she said it would be good for S... She says she's been an emotional mess and had to leave work early other day because of it (why she was home 3 hrs early the other day).

I fell asleep and woke up 3 hrs later in panic, I had that conversation but I don't even understand why, I know better but didn't then, wondering if depression medication was messing with my mind... I still see sandi2 WW description of WW when I think back on what she said, but I didn't see it when I was talking to her.. Now I just want to talk to her in morning and tell her that I conversation was wrong, that's not where I'm at and she needs to have no contact with OM before we even start anything else..

I'm so sorry to everyone that was helping me, I feel like I just ended any chance of healthy rebuild and let everyone down to boot...