What should I be doing? (2)

[Coconut]

Coco, are you trying to punish her, or win her back?

You get her back by showing her your true coconuts, not by shaming her into apologizing.

Uhhh, what? Punish her how? I'm confused by this, if your referring to the idea of calling a realtor, it was just a thought because of how long houses sit on the market. Anyway, idea off the board, because I realized that would just speed up me being separated from my son...

[CRW]

I was talking about when you said you shouldn't be so nice and cordial. Nice and cordial is exactly what you should be, nothing less and nothing more. Quiet strength is what you need to show her right now.

No points for the 'show her your true coconuts' line? I thought I would at least get a haha out of it!

[Coconut]

Fck, fck, fck.... I really fckd up... I think I may have just put myself on the path to D... I can't believe I did thiIs, I don't even want to write this... I just blew everything up.

Yesterday was the first day that WW, S and I were home for an entire evening, I was planning on going out, but time got away from me. I was going to take S grocery shopping, he wants to go vegan and we have to figure out how (what to buy, recipes, etc.). So I went to W and told her S wants to go vegan and started discussing, we had a family discussion and it felt so good, it put a longing in my heart to be a family again..

Later in night, S had fallen asleep on couch and WW was studying in den, and I went to talk. I was really down and I asked "what are we doing". We discussed everything.. I asked her why she nvr talked to me, she said I wanted space, I told her I wanted an apology. She said that she has told me she really fckd up, and that she can't believe she did it, but that she was really hurt by me. She still said I really fckd up to, and still considers my fck up as bad as hers.. We talked about the negative effect my actions had on son and one thing she won't do is deal with her son being hurt like his biological father did to him. She said she considers my S to be mine, and would never try and keep me out of his life. She talked about her therapy session and how much it hurt to talk about everything.

She said that she lost attraction to me and doesn't know if she can get it back (which is why I need to keep DBng if it's still possible). She answered questions on A, says she has had no communication with OM although she has seen him at station, but no talking. Said we need to restart R as new and see where it goes, I said I still need to focus on me... I invited her back into MBR, she said it would be good for S... She says she's been an emotional mess and had to leave work early other day because of it (why she was home 3 hrs early the other day).

I fell asleep and woke up 3 hrs later in panic, I had that conversation but I don't even understand why, I know better but didn't then, wondering if depression medication was messing with my mind... I still see sandi2 WW description of WW when I think back on what she said, but I didn't see it when I was talking to her.. Now I just want to talk to her in morning and tell her that I conversation was wrong, that's not where I'm at and she needs to have no contact with OM before we even start anything else..

I'm so sorry to everyone that was helping me, I feel like I just ended any chance of healthy rebuild and let everyone down to boot...

[Coconut]

After or talk, she came in MBR and talked to me, like really just talked normal, like we used to, things going on in life, it felt so good and hopeful at the time... But now I think it may of been just because I took the pressure of losing me off the table... I can't believe this is happening, what did I do...

[DDJ]

You did well coconut. You listened.

Don't say anything about the convo in the morn. Do nothing. Say nothing. Let her speak, validate only. Do everything that you never used to do.

[Natus]

After or talk, she came in MBR and talked to me, like really just talked normal, like we used to, things going on in life, it felt so good and hopeful at the time... But now I think it may of been just because I took the pressure of losing me off the table... I can't believe this is happening, what did I do...

Chilax? If it does not make or break your R then dont stress it. Go with the flow and dont do anything rash.

[sandi2]

First of all, don't you dare blame your actions on medication. Put your big boy britches on and go on from this point.

We discussed everything.. I asked her why she nvr talked to me, she said I wanted space, I told her I wanted an apology.

If you have to ask for an apology, just how genuine do think it would be. And as you saw for yourself, she never gave you one. Instead, she turned it around and blamed everything on you.

She said that she has told me she really fckd up, and that she can't believe she did it, but that she was really hurt by me. She still said I really fckd up to, and still considers my fck up as bad as hers..

See what I mean? She is saying what you did was a bad as her affair........which is EXACTLY how WW's feel.

We talked about the negative effect my actions had on son and one thing she won't do is deal with her son being hurt like his biological father did to him. She said she considers my S to be mine, and would never try and keep me out of his life.

Oh cr@p! Stop letting her play that game. It did not do anything to her son b/c you weren't talking to her for one evening. It was her feelings it affected, not your son! She is using one of the WW's favorite card...........the guilt card!!! She is taking a spoon of dust and trying to turn it into a mountain b/c she wants the focus off herself and the affair.......and put the focus onto you and how awful you have been.

She talked about her therapy session and how much it hurt to talk about everything.

And..........there it is. Her pity card. Poor little thing. Didn't you feel bad for her? She meant for you to feel badly.

She answered questions on A, says she has had no communication with OM although she has seen him at station, but no talking

And right there ^^^^^ she lied! You know they have talked on the phone. And if you tell her, she will claim he is pursuing her and she was trying to get him to stop.

Said we need to restart R as new and see where it goes, I said I still need to focus on me... I invited her back into MBR, she said it would be good for S... She says she's been an emotional mess and had to leave work early other day because of it (why she was home 3 hrs early the other day).

And last, but not least, she does the old rug sweeping by saying to just start a new R and put this all behind you. She gets back into the MBR, but tells you she feels no attraction. That's her way of saying.........don't be expecting hot sex anytime soon.

She feels victorious for fooling her H into thinking it is for the sake of her son, and she gets what she wanted. Even makes you think that's why she came home three hrs early the other day. I suppose that's why she tore apart the rooms, too.

So now, morning has rolled around and you are wondering what the fck you did?

Okay, I'll tell ya. You smooooooooth got suckered!!

[Wonka]

Tap, tap...

Hello? Are you home, Coconut? Please let us know what's happening with you....hope you're okay.

[Coconut]

Hi, I'm ok Wonka, I just was in a bad place most of yesterday... I made the mistake of going through an anniversary gift that my wife gave me 2 1/2 years ago. It is a small box that she painted and decorated for me, and in the box is 365 small strips of paper, each piece has a reason she loves me, and a letter she wrote which included a statement that these are only some of the reasons she loves me, and will love me forever... It's so hard to believe how much everything has changed since then, and I stayed in bed and cried for about 4 hours...

Anyway, her attitude has done a 180, she is no longer distant and cold, she came home and gave me a real hug (which was very unexpected), initiated small talk and asked if we could go out to dinner as a family... It was a very bi-polar day, with extreme lows and happiness, I'm not sure how I feel about it.. I told her she could come back in the MBR two nights ago, but she hasn't done so, I don't know why.

Sandy, I agree with most of what you said, I still don't feel like she gets the seriousness of the A, but she did give me another apology, saying that she is really sorry that she allowed herself to do what she did, it's not who she is and she feels horrible about it... Also, she went through all of that stuff and my drawer cause my son needed specific pictures for a school project, and I do have pictures in the drawer she went through. And lastly, when she mentioned hurting my S, she was referring to my disengagement, not the one day of ignoring her.. I'm not defending her, I'm just providing info.

Also, something she's doing now on her own, She is updating me when she goes somewhere, she had to go to the station yesterday, and she called when she got there, she called when she was leaving, let me know that she was going to a store, etc... I do feel like she is making an effort, but I still don't like that it's not NC.

[DDJ]

Coconut, my WW is doing the same thing regarding letting me know. I figured that what she's doing is bringing any possible affairs to become part of the daily things that get done.

So mine is onto OM2, will chat to him, setup meetings with him and his "friends". Not sure there are actually friends. But mine is trying to build trust so that she can do whatever she wants, when she wants to. There is nothing more vindictive than openly having an affair whilst masquerading that you're building trust.

Mine has become as soft as jelly. Anything to reel me in to believing that she's trying. Anything to keep me hooked.