Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, I was smiling for most of the day, but that ended a little while ago. I was doing my grief counseling homework and it involved me making my loss history graph.

I jotted down all my notes yesterday, but in a random order and with no relative index of loss severity. Today I put it all together in order and with severity indexed. Well... I noticed something. I already knew it on some level, as some of these losses still bother me after greater than 20 years, but I hadn't realized the extent of the issue.

A recurring theme of my life is that I do not feel emotionally safe in relationships, be they friendship or love, or really even with family. It is part of the reason I have had so few good friends, I think. I was never one to have many, but after being hurt, I just used isolation as self-protection. The loss of these friendships left me hurt and not understanding what went awry.

H is only the latest in a long string. The difference is that, with him, I felt absolutely safe for at least 22 of our 25 years together. The last 3 years... well, not so much. We'd have a big fight, and then as I was starting to feel like we had healed, something else would happen, until he walked out of my life without telling me why. Th last issue had been over a year previously, and we were doing so well, or so I thought. There were at least 3 big episodes over those last 3 years that left me very wounded before the final coup de grace.

It's not an easy thing to recognize. Tomorrow I have to share this loss history with my grief counselor, and I suspect that will be very hard. I'm already thinking that I ought to see my regular therapist again later this week. There's certainly plenty to talk about now that i've done this project.

So. I wonder if I'll sleep tonight. I took melatonin about an hour ago, as well as a small dose of benadryl. We shall see...

Sorry I couldn't report a smile, SadHub. Nor can I report that I did any meditation today, though I will do it before bed. I aim for 15-20 minutes when I do it, so maybe I can get some extra credit???

Today I worked in my garden for a few hours. Man, I so regret not mulching my perennial veggie plot last year. OMG. The clumps of grass are massive, then there are the sharp and vicious thistles, horse nettles, and the worst - stinging nettles. Ouchie-wa-wa. I got the whole back of my hand stung up last time I weeded, and that was THROUGH my gloves!

Anyway, it's a tough slog. I have to carefully dig up these big weeds and grass clumps around my beautiful asparagus and rhubarb and berries. I can cover a few square feet in an hour, and the whole plot is probably 20 x 20. It's going to be many days or hard work to reclaim the neglect of one year. Kicking myself.

I did get plenty of critter laughing time in, and my friend came over to sit and look over my fields and talk for a couple hours, so that was great.

Tomorrow, tried counselor in the morning, and then Audubon meeting in the evening. I'm looking forward to the bird talk. Tweet, tweet!!