It sure does feel hopeless...H told me he was "unhappy/feel diff/no love" in Feb. Learned that when spouses share these feelings it is not the real reasons for the sit. (Even tho they convince themselves of that). H has feelings for coworker, which feels like a cloud. He doesn't understand that the new feelings will fade. The "grass is greener" mindset kicks in. They think they should feel that way with us still, which I learned is impossible since you go through stages. It makes me angry that H is consumed with this.
The emotions that build up are hard to check..It's hard when good moments come along but still have what's going on in mind to not look into that much. I feel only getting worse but if committed to saving have to cont. All the best to you and your efforts.
Was very busy this weekend with lots of kids activities so that was good. Took my mind off everything. Had no contact w/W from late Thurs until Sat late morning other than me replying to one text w/a Yes. It took some will power and felt odd but seemed to do me good in reducing some stress. Even odder was when we did have contact she was extremely pleasant and now out of the blue she is wearing her wedding ring again. She didn't say anything about it and I'm not going to ask. I'm waiting for her to ask why I haven't put mine back on. If she does ask or comment I think my reply is going to be, "Should I be wearing it again?" and see what kind of response that elicits.
I've also been working on validating and I noticed that it really has a positive effect on conversation w/W. I have lots of room to improve on this and am concentrating on making it part of how I converse w/people every day.
Yesterday I saw glimpses of the real W not the stranger that she has been the last few months. I'm not sure if it is a sign that the fog is clearing a little or if she is just testing the water to see were I stand. I'm just pushing along and at the moment seem to be more up than down which is good. Being down for so long has worn me out.
Looking for advice. I have a job that includes quite a bit of responsibility and high level decision making. This mess has made it extremely hard to focus on work. I probably have only done half a days worth of work per day for the last month. My employees under me have kept the ship steering straight but I'm concerned this is going to catch up to me. Does anyone have any tips or tricks to not let marital woes affect your quality of work? How do you maintain focus on the task at hand knowing you have a disaster at home?
I am now focusing on fixing the things I hate about myself and I am working on being the best me I can be.
what are these things and how are you going to 180?
What is the best you you can be?
Also, I think you get it, but DON't Pursue her. Don't start R talks, and when/if she does don't seek answers for yourself. Validate her, and listen for clues on what she is unhappy about. I think the fact she said, she thinks it's fake means you are doing some things that are right, and that confuses her. BE CONSISTENT with what works and make adjustments with what doesn't.
This isn't going to be a quick fix, so patience is key here.
I like to remind myself the WW is going to do what she is going to do. You can't control that!
Don't do things such as your question about," should i put my ring back on? That is seeking a reaction from you W. Really ask yourself if you are doing something to see how she will react. If yes, it is probably not the right thing to do, she will see it as controlling.
Keep posting and be a confident, awesome dude, that only a fool would leave.
what are these things and how are you going to 180?
The majority of her list of things that bothered her were a simple fix. She never verbalized these things in the past and I didn't know they got under her skin. They included things such as leaving my shoes in the kitchen rather than in the garage, leaving shaving cream, toothpaste etc. out on the bathroom counter, when laundry was done waiting days to put my clothes away, etc. All those little things have been fixed right away.
She also complained of me not making decisions and leaving it to her. Thinking about this it stems from two things. I make a lot of decisions everyday at work and I find that is nice to come home and have someone making decisions instead of me. I guess that is me just being lazy. It also is that a lot of those things don't really matter to me, it's not that I don't care but it is not high on my priority list. It doesn't matter to me if the walls are painted blue or brown, or where we go to dinner, or if we have green bath towels or blue... I always thought it was good of me to let her have it her way. I have realized that she wants me to take charge or at least jointly make decisions on these things. I've started doing this when appropriate. For example we had a child function last week and were going out to dinner as a family after. I just picked a place and went. I think it caught her of guard that I just said this is where we are going.
She says I complain too much. I'm one of those people who complain just to get it out. I really don't want or expect anyone to do anything about it but it's just how I vent sometimes. I just keep it to myself now. This has been a little hard but I'm getting better about thinking about what I am about to say before I do and just keeping my mouth shut. I'm trying to be more positive in general.
She also said that she always makes our social plans and hates being the social director. So lately I've made plans for different social things. Since I'm in the middle of this mess I've handled it more like I'm GAL. I say this is what I'm doing tonight or this weekend etc. If you want to join me you are welcome to but I'm going either way. This plan making has also seemed to surprise her. She turns me down more than joined me at this point but I think she likes that I'm being decisive.
I've also taken it upon myself to be less lazy. I now try to do at least one thing a night around the house. It might be fix something or clean an area of the house or work on something outside.
I've also upgraded some of my wardrobe and I am dressing nicer outside of work. I'm not taking the kids to dinner in a t-shirt and jeans anymore. Do I want her to notice, yes, but this change has really been more for me. I actually feel a lot better when I'm looking good. She hasn't said anything but I'm sure she has noticed.
She didn't really complain about it but I'm taking a more active interest in the kids school. She always just handled it but now I have been working with the kids on their homework, reading all the paperwork sent home from the school so I know what is going on etc. I certainly think my kids feel better that I have shown more interest in this. Once again my W hasn't said anything but she has to see it.
The biggest complaint from her is not feeling appreciated and being taken for granted. This has been hard to fix because of the minimized contact but when appropriate I have been fitting it in. It has been as easy as thanking her for taking care of something around the house or telling her I appreciate you handling that... I could easily do much more of this if we were normal but I take the opportunity when I can. This is one of those things that I used to always do but moved away from it out of laziness and just assuming she knew I was appreciative. What's the saying... You have to water the garden for it to grow. I've realized I stopped watering the garden.
In general I am trying to just be a better person to everyone in my life. More polite, more appreciative, more grateful. This actually has made me feel real good.
I like who I'm becoming and plan to keep it that way.
Originally Posted By: cubebot
Don't do things such as your question about," should i put my ring back on? That is seeking a reaction from you W. Really ask yourself if you are doing something to see how she will react. If yes, it is probably not the right thing to do, she will see it as controlling.
Thank you so much for this comment Cubebot. I never thought of it this way. I believe this will help me so much.
Sorry for all the long winded post everyone. I'm finding I feel much better to type through my thoughts and just get them out. It also seems to make me really think deeper about what I'm doing, what is going on and what my plan really is.
I've been going through this for such a shorter time than most I see on here. I'm worn out and tired. My W is someone I don't recognize. I want normal again. How does everyone keep plugging along? At some point she has to realize I'm going to run out of gas and call it quits.
We keep going because we have no other choice. It's life, you have to live it. Plug away at working on you, as you will always have to deal with you. There is a chance your M is gone, but either way if you work on Dbing and you, you succeed either way. None of us recognize the S anymore, they are out there. We can't help them or control them. Let them go. Read read read... Vent here.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Thanks for the encouragement Ralph88. I've noticed since I quit bringing up the R, acting as if, doing 180, doing some GALing and just being cordial, my W has been less angry and a little more communicative w/out prompting. She is out less, has her wedding ring back on but still is in spare BR. I haven't pushed anything. I don't know if I'm making headway or not but this "Limbo Life" is what is wearing on me. It just feels so awkward. Her coldness is still there but isn't as strong. I want so bad to discuss everything and determine where she is in her head. Am I best to still let her bring it up or could she possibly be waiting on me to say something? How do you know when it is time to proactively reach back out?
Just received news from W that old friends of ours are coming through town in 10 days and will be stopping to visit and spending a night at our house. This means W will be forced back into MBR w/me for that night. I'm really curious to see how she handles this.
She didn't say anything about it and I'm not going to ask. I'm waiting for her to ask why I haven't put mine back on. If she does ask or comment I think my reply is going to be, "Should I be wearing it again?" and see what kind of response that elicits.
Don't place too much in her putting and taking off her rings. She is going to be this way about some things. As you don't get your hopes dashed by her taking them off, neither raise them high when she slips them back on.
My advice about you putting your rings back on just b/c she has put hers on........is not to do it, just b/c she has. If nothing has been said from her about why she has suddenly started wearing her rings, then just ignore and pretend you have not noticed. If you have taken your rings off, why put them on........when nothing else has changed? To see what kind of response you get? She would probably tell you not to get your hopes up.
Long story short, she is totally playing games with the ring thing.
And the friends coming to stay? Expect her to put on a lovely show.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
