Husband Walked Out- Need Support!

[LandC]

Hi LiM, Bluwave and everybody who has been helpful and posting ideas regarding my situation.
After much thought, a long talk with my DB Coach last Friday and meeting with my IC, I decided the best course between absolute darkness and just saying 'sure, come on back to our property' was to invite him over to discuss the idea.
I sent an email on Sunday, brief and upbeat and friendly.
Asked if he'd like to come over and discuss what he has in mind and how it would work.
I have not seen him or spoken to him since April 6. I feel this will be a way to test the waters of how I feel around him, and to validate his feelings etc. I have not heard back from him yet.
Meanwhile - in answer to your questions about what am I doing to GAL and deal with codependency issues?
I am spending at least an hour a day working on A Course in Miracles lectures and getting my head/thinking straight about where my real power source lies.
Actually went for the entire weekend working on projects I've wanted to do here, and NOT crying!
Yesterday was not so good...didn't sleep enough and felt like a raging angry child. Got over it.
Today back on track. Starting to look for a better job.
Speaking to friends I've not seen in a long time.
I am starting to feel I've turned a corner from the clinging mindset of wanting to change to 'get him back' vs. how I want my life to be, how I want to BE, regardless of what happens with my husband.
I miss him terribly, yes, but am starting to feel stronger inside myself.
I have made amazing things happen in my life before without being in a R and I know I can do it again.
I want to thank all of you for your kind tough love.
Will get caught up on your posts today.
THANK YOU!!!!

[LiM]

Good job LandC,

You've done a lot of work over the past month. I think he will see a new person when he meets with you. When he does, be cool. Dont come across as too eager to "make it work." Make HIM do the work. Show him that you are in an awesome place in your life and what he'll be missing out on if he chooses not to come back.

[LandC]

Hi LiM,
Thanks for the positive feedback and pep talk, could use it right now.
Found out he started a separate bank account last week of April - he did send me an email May 1 asking for me to send him info on our monthly bills, joint and his student loans etc.
I've been working on this today, it's something I procrastinate on since one of our issues is not dealing well with money together.
There are a lot of joint bills that are owed and I don't have the money to pay for it all. Plus he never mentioned this new account or that he wasn't going to be putting his paychecks into our joint account.
Feeling a lot of fear and trepidation about having to tell him need financial help. Feeling like a bit of a loser that it's been a month and I still don't have a better job.
But have been fairly non-functional until last few days, crying a lot etc.
Afraid this will make me look weak.
I am feeling angry as all this past winter he was on a buying spree for outdoor gear, backpacks etc. and would just order stuff and never think to ask how it would work with current bills for that week or month.
Whenever I'd have anxiety about it he'd just say 'well it's my money and I earn more'. So I have developed this primal fear of dealing with him and money.
Trying to just get myself back in head space of acting like an adult instead of a left behind crying spouse.
Feel sad he never even asked in past month if he needed to make a deposit to cover bills that were due, some of which are his etc.
Does this sound like mid life crisis behavior?
I try to convince myself that just because he started his own bank account doesn't mean things won't work out in the big picture, but feeling so cut out of his life.
Another walk and some more Forgiveness is in order for the day.
Any ideas on best way to approach this money email I need to send?
Of course what I want to say is, well, I've been in a state of shock and really sad for past month so haven't really been firing on all cylinders!
I looked for a new post from you but didn't find any updates...Did your W move back in? What's going on?
thank you for all your help.!!!!

[LandC]

LiM
Feels like every time I start to feel stronger, which is kinda key in terms of feeling I'm awesome and then can get focused on looking for new job etc. there's some emotional set back and feel like it's Day One all over again, though of course I recover more quickly. It sure would've been easier to deal with all of this if was in a better situation financially. It feels like most of my life is falling apart and needs to be put back together.
oh dear.

[Rose888]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with financial stress on top of all of this.

Don't beat yourself up over not having found a job in a month. These things take time, even when you aren't dealing with emotional upset.

I bet you will feel better once you bite the bullet and send the email. I often make things worse in my head than they actually are.

[LandC]

Hi Rose888,
Wow, thank you for that! I really appreciate it. I know I read all sorts of stuff into it, like it's my FAULT we have an electric bill and a tmobile bill. This is my codependent brain talking!
It's so frustrating because I tried so often to get us to deal with bills and money together but he always seemed to just want me to handle it or was too tired on weekends etc. Then of course when there are any 'problems' and I don't handle something right, it's all my fault!
I do have a part time job now.
What did you do to turn your situation around in that your H now wants to stay and reconnect?
Is he still living with you?
I will feel better once I send it, you are right.
Going to go do some outdoor stuff for a bit and calm down, then will send it!
Thanks for your support!

[Rose888]

I can't take any credit for H's decision to stay. He is a kind and loyal person who was (and still is) conflicted about the right course of action. He never moved out, of the house or the bed. There has been no affair.

That said, we are not out of the woods yet. He finds it difficult to want to reconnect. It feels safer to stay somewhat detached. He doesn't want to be hurt again. There is still a large chance he will end up leaving.

I understand. For years, we had a sex-starved marriage, from his perspective. I am coming to understand how deeply hurtful that was. I'm committed to change, but he doubts I can change, since my previous efforts weren't successful.

Because of that, some of the tactics recommended on this board don't feel appropriate for my situation.

What has been good:
* working with a counselor on my own stuff, especially handling criticism better and being less anxious about rules
* accepting that I can't control H's decision
* GAL
* avoiding excessive R talk (goal is to confine it to our counseling session and the evening following)
* being a good listener, noticing H, and being supportive
* maintaining our positive rituals, like eating breakfast together and going for long walks

But again, none of that is the reason H stayed. It's just made me and those around me happier and more at peace during this time. And if he does decide to leave, I'll need those habits to carry me through.

[LandC]

Hi LiM and All DBers,
Kinda having an anxiety moment.
Finally got an email from my H this am thanking me for the info I put together on our joint bills etc.
In the email he mentioned he had been thinking of getting a little place of his own for a while, but can't afford it due to a big dental bill etc.
He then asked 'what do I think of living arrangements?' idea.
I do NOT want to discuss this by email. He did not respond to idea at all of my invitation to come over this Saturday to discuss it.
Feeling so sad. HELP me have some hope! It will be only 5 weeks this Friday that he left, so I know in my mind it's early in the process.
I was watching some videos yesterday by this guy Larry Bilotta who has a theory about 'chaos kids' and how we end up behaving in our marriages the way we saw the same sex parents treat our opposite sex parent. His idea behind the MLC is that since my H wasn't allowed to be selfish or think of his own needs or have them met as a child, that part of the MLC is that being activated again, hence the selfish behavior now with no thought of ramifications on others, ie, ME.
Every time there is another reminder of his choice to be separate, new bank acct etc. I just feel the fear and anxiety return.
It's easy to live with hope and a vision of reconciliation in my mind, but hard to keep the faith when everything he does points to wanting to NOT be with me.
At no point has there yet been any discussion about why he was so adamant about leaving, besides the note he left me.
Today I have to ask him if he plans to help me at all financially as there are bills that need to be paid etc. and I don't have the money to pay them.
Jesus. This sort of [censored] today.
Thanks for any help or words of wisdom.
Trying not to take what he is doing too personally but very difficult at times.
THANKS

[Rose888]

Thanks for the update. I've been wondering how things were going,

Would your husband be more likely to meet to discuss if you proposed meeting at a coffee shop or some other public place?

[LandC]

Hi Rose888,
Well, we live in a tiny town and I would not feel comfortable meeting in public.
He hasn't said he won't meet, he just hasn't answered my question!
I am going to ask him again in email today re: Saturday.
Working now through my notes from three sessions w my DB coach to get my head together.
Thank you for keeping up with this - I really have so little information to go on since I haven't seen him in almost 5 weeks.
Today I am asking myself - if I do decide to do this living on the property together thing - one of us in house, one in guest house, how will that benefit ME?
My first gut instinct is that, right now, he has only what's in his HEAD, and his narrative about how I am the problem in his life etc. to go on, but perhaps if we saw each other more then I would have the opportunity to SHOW him how I am changing and therefore, maybe, he will eventually soften.
The more I think about it and the past 8 months or so, the more it seems like he's in the MLC stage.
One point my DB coach made is that I am now in the position to start respecting myself more and that I then have the chance to retrain him how I want to be treated.
Have you read the book - How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It'? That book has some very useful stuff on the low sex drive/high sex drive dynamic.
I know for years I was the one with higher sex drive while my husband has lower sex drive plus suffered from depression for years - so that was an issue until thankfully, my sex drive decreased a bit and I became more accepting when he felt depressed.
That was one thing I felt really angry about last week - all those weeks, YEARS I stood by him weekend after weekend when he was really depressed, and so you should stand by me!!!!
got over it.
What are you doing to GAL?
thanks for being here!