Husband needs support part 2

[tjcran]

Cadet,

Yes to the conflict avoidant part. I will work on that.

I see it written often here about not leaving the MB or the house and it comes across as a legal chess move. I did consult an attorney and he said it was completely irrelevant. He assured me it has absolutely no bearing on divorce proceedings or settlement.

Can I move back in? Of course, it's my house. It feels like that would hurt the situation as far as the relationship goes. It would make my life better, but I predict it would fast track the D.

[tjcran]

Today was not a good day. I struggled with high anxiety all day and still am now. Sometimes it just feels like I'm not going to get through this.

I'm really struggling with the house issue. I really don't like be so far from family, work, my social network, etc. If my W is a WAW I don't think it would be a good tactic to force the issue of my coming back to the house. If my W is a WW wife I would immediately move back in. But, I honestly don't know who she is at this point. There were the beginnings of an EA a month ago, but I honestly don't know what the status is now. Based on the little info I have it appears the EA was short lived, didn't get intense and petered out. I can't tell.

Any help and support would be appreciated!!

[SH_]

Tj,

Start looking into remedies for the anxiety. It is natural to be going through it, but it helps to get it calmed. I talked with my MD and he prescribed me some stuff. There are "natural" remedies, meditation, exercise, eat healthy, sleep, see an IC, etc. you will want to find what works for you. My experience was that I put it off because there was a perceived stigma and I thought I could just get through it. I needed help. And for me it was a combination of things and I am just now getting a handle on it. I would encourage that you identify how disruptive it is and how much help you may need to get through this. Then you can and will think straight.

You indicated she had an ea in the past and maybe a short lived one recently. I am not a vet on this, but my reading others info, would lead me to think you should handle this as a WW. It is an addiction as sandi would put it.

She already wants a d. Speeding it up is not the worst thing. But only you can make this decision. I would check out sandi's info. She talks about stepping up and being a man so to speak. That is why several have mentioned not moving out.

I send you my support, but my advice is just my interpretation of what I have read from others.

[tjcran]

I always appreciate the support from others on this site.

My IC gave me an exercise to cope with the anxiety. I'll use it and see how well it controls it.

I also felt a switch go off this morning. I detached. Completely. I had a moment of clarity about everything and within minutes I felt myself detach and a huge weight was lifted.

I thought of some boundaries that I will establish. As you put it, SadHub, I will be stepping up and being a man. I've given her the space she requested, but I haven't been sticking up for my needs. I need to be with my kids more regularly. I will not feel like a guest when I am in my house. I need her to abide by agreed upon times.

[EDF]

Sounds like a positive step!

I'm not a vet here, but could you say something like:

"I tried living apart but it's not working for me. I need to be with my kids more, so I'm moving back into the house."

If she tries to get you to back down just calmly reassert that this is what you are doing so you can spend more time with the kids, and if both of you living in the house or MBR doesn't work for her she is welcome to take over the lease on your apartment.

Good luck with the boundaries!

[tjcran]

EDF,

I like your line "I tried living apart but it's not working for me. I need to be with my kids more, so I'm moving back into the house." I plan to practice this line and a soft delivery. I also will practice a response if she objects.

My plan is to tell her tomorrow and move back in the following day. I expect a reaction that is subtle, but very snarky.

I have remained detached all day and this has been my most productive and calm day in many weeks.

[tjcran]

Hope has disappeared. We talked several days ago about the living arrangement. When I pressed the issue using the quote from the above post, she responded that if I moved in she would move out and that would devastate the kids. She was right, the kids would really struggle with that and that is not what I want, they need their mom.

Visitation is really tough. I don't like seeing my W and visitation always takes place at the house. Makes no sense to drive the kids 40 minutes to spend time with me in a basement apartment. I can't stand to be there. I built that house and built that family and I can't stand to see it all taken away.

Today we talked finances and she is going to push it on that front too. I have no leverage or bargaining power. I'm losing my home, my family, my standard of living and my dignity.

[Natus]

I dont know. My wife complained that i can be self righteous but shes the one who wants to break the family up let her walk out the door. but thats just me. Im a good dad and i can be there for my son.

[Natus]

tjcran, sometimes we suffer from being to nice and accommodating and get manipulated and taken advantage of in the process. If she wants to move out because you move in ~let her. Call her game.

[Natus]

Damnit now im hijacking your thread but this hit me home.

Do you really need to make your life miserable just to accomodate her when for all you know she is making plans with another man. Why make it easier for her?

Why are you giving her everything when she is not giving you anything in return or worse? Man up and hold your ground and be there for your children.