Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

He did come out early to help with the mower and another project. We were very easy with each other (easy, breezy).

Our offer was very close to our asking price. We countered and they accepted (all through the magic of email). H was very professional and together. There were a few very special pieces of furniture that the buyers wanted to stay with the house. That took me aback. H immediately reached out to touch my arm and told me I could say no. I kept saying I'd have to think about it. I must have looked shaken because he looked concerned and so did the real estate agent. Darn my expressive face! I decided later, it was just stuff. Just things with memories attached, like the house. They really did go perfectly with the house and were custom made. I let them go.

After the agent left, H looked at me and asked if I wanted to cry with him or alone. He had tears in his eyes. I was still fighting mine.

We planned this house after finding the perfect property, mostly wooded, but with a big field in front facing a beautiful view of fields, foothills, and our local mountains beyond. We worked on the plans for years with an architect well known for his use of natural light and open, flowing design. I made some of the tiles in the house. We handpicked accent logs, stonework, the natural greens and earth tones of the walls. Woodwork throughout. It was unique, warm, and comfortable. Everyone who visited loved our home. Our children were present and involved with almost every aspect from planning through building to furnishing (and "breaking it in"). Even some of their friends helped.

But it was symbolic of our marriage. As he started to turn away from "us", he stopped wanting to work on the house. He did the bare minimum in maintenance, while I took over more and more of the work. When he bought the vacation home, I worked on that, too. But I became the only caretaker of the house we lived in...all of his effort went to the other. The "fun" one. All of our plans for the one we built stopped, except for that which I felt I could do on my own.

So here we were last night facing the reality of not living here or even having the option. He told me, "I didn't expect it to sell." He told me, "I didn't think anyone would want it". He started asking me about the people that bought it (I had met them) and asked me what were their favorite things about the house. He was surprised to find out that they were older than we are, but not much. He brought up that because this was such an amazing real estate market for sellers here right now, that even if we were together we might have decided it was time to sell. This started a three hour R talk.

My take away from that...not sure. He was sad and tired. There were some revelations, both major and minor; some new understanding of past events; many "I'm sorries" on his part (I now dismiss those with "I understand you feel its important to say that"), and a lot of him just staring at me. I used to get uncomfortable and ask him questions when he did that. Last night I just waited him out.Let him gather his thoughts and speak first.

He told me he was owning all of the problems that caused the downfall of our marriage. I told him I would only allow him to own 50%...I own the other. And that I was, and had been, working on my issues and learning what I liked to do and what made me happy. Regardless of our status. It was for me and I was liking where it was getting me.

I then told him basically, this. "I plan on continuing with my journey of discovery of who I am and what I want; to try and remember the me before you. You once loved that person, and so did I. I think I'm starting to find her again. Could you ever see trying to work on a R with me, if I could let you be you again?" He asked, "you mean if you didn't make me feel like s$%t for doing things that make me happy?" I said, "yeah. If I let you be you". He said, "I don't know." I then said, "I'm having a hard time letting go of you and am willing to do the hard work because I think you're worth it." He had been trying to leave until this last volley, and started to again. He stopped just out of my sight and told me, "that was a very nice thing to say." He paused and then we said our goodnights. He called me a half our later to tell me he made it home. We said goodnight again.

I wonder if he thinks about the things I say the way I think about the things he says? He seemed to actually be listening and clarifying misconceptions. But there's so much guilt. I don't know if he can trust me to not make him feel worse. That would be a stumbling block for him. Not so much for me. I'm busy working on me. But he's not happy right now. Even with out me. And he knows it.

As for the house? I will miss it. But the people who are buying it will love it. And I have pictures and memories. Its all just "stuff".