Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[Accuray]

Eventually she is coming over our house to get more stuff or to stay there. Do I take all our pictures down before then?

No, that's thrashing and can come across as passive aggressive.

In my "perfect world scenario" for you, I would say "W, I really enjoyed being married to you, I think we had something good. I understand that you're involved with someone else now. I'm sure you have your reasons for that, but I feel disrespected. I'd like you to go live your life as you'd like and I will live mine. If you end your affair and you want to talk about what comes next, let me know. Maybe we'll have a path forward and maybe we won't. Either way, I wish you the best. I will be happy to pack your things for you, or you can do it, just let me know when you'd like to collect them."

Deliver that without anger or sadness, but with compassion and sincerity. How can she resent you for that? You're wishing her well in whatever she chooses to do.

You do not want to live in the shadow of an affair. Even if you have the discipline of a Navy Seal, that's going to tear you apart. For your own mental health, either she needs to move out or you should.

That's my perfect world scenario -- in my opinion that gives you the very best chance of reconciling down the line.

People value what they have to work for and do not value that which comes cheaply. If you re-engage, you need to do so as equals, where she sees as much value in you as you see in her.

If you're chasing her and letting her know that you're available any time she wants, it will be hard for her to value that. As painful as it is to create this situation, she needs to feel that she will have to work to get you back. Only then are you "worthy of having" in her view. Does that make sense?

It requires the playing field to be reset, and that's another reason you have to go the other direction.

There are also a bunch of [censored] that she purchased in the last few months. Do I return them all (I want to). I think she plans on returning 50% of it, but I dont want it all sitting on my credit card. I don't want to be vindictive but its taking up a room with boxes and such.

Remember the resentment yardstick. If you return things she's bought without discussing it with her, she will likely resent that. Don't do anything about it, just let it sit there or put it with the rest of her stuff.

If she puts any new charges on your credit card, contact her and tell her that given the current situation, you think it's best that she get her own credit card, cancel your joint one and get your own.

The really hard thing about DB is nuance -- doing these things has much more to do with HOW you say it than what you say. You want your attitude to convey compassion but at the same time detachment. Imagine you had a coworker who lost his aunt -- you'd be compassionate for his loss, but it certainly wouldn't turn YOUR world upside down. The credit card discussion would need to be very "matter of fact" and absent of emotional load. You don't want it to come across as a punishment, more like "well, we're in this situation now, here's how it has to work"

I know that this situation is INCREDIBLY HARD. The first few weeks is in many ways the "make or break" period and at the same time you're the most rocked and the least able to deal with it the way you need to.

Please heed everyone's advice and realize that this scenario will not be quickly resolved. This will not take days or weeks, this will take months or years. There is no fast track, there is no "secret equation" that if you just figure it out it will be all better.

The best advice I got was from a therapist who told me that "You have to accept the fact that you don't have an option that doesn't suck. All your options are $hit. You just have to pick the one that works best for you, but stop looking for a good one."

There is a certain freedom that comes through acceptance. There is nothing you can actively do right now. There is nothing you can actively do right now. There is nothing you can actively do right now. Repeat that over and over. Give yourself room to grieve and be okay with that.

Get yourself a therapist, and definitely use the telephone coaching available on this site. Those people are experts at exactly the situation you are in -- their advice will be invaluable to you.

You can do this. You don't want to, but you can.

Acc

[198127]

She scampered home in the middle of the day for work and packed up all the boxes of clothes that she had ordered. She called me after she left and said she had done it and didn't want to leave it for me to do (just means she is keeping more of them than she should). Then she called me back to ask where I was going next weekend (originally we had planned to go see her family out of town) but she saw I booked a dog sitter and a) wanted to know where I was going b) make sure I wasnt planning on coming with her.

She also just ordered a bunch of playoff gear for her favorite team on our credit card. She had ordered stuff for both of us the day before BD. I returned it all yesterday. She must have seen it was missing and ordered some more (and maybe gotten him something too?).

This whole experience is surreal

[LiM]

Can you cancel her credit card? You need to take her off any joint accounts you have together.

[198127]

I'd like to, but it also keeps me knowing what she is doing and how she is spending money.

[LiM]

I'd like to, but it also keeps me knowing what she is doing and how she is spending money.

But it also means that you are not detaching and focusing on you. You need to find a way to get to a place where you don't care what she does.
Do you care what your neighbor does or what they spend money on? Of course not and your W is not treating you near as nice as most neighbors would. If you want to save your M, detaching and beginning to move on with your life is the first step. I know it doesnt make sense but that is the process. I've lived through it and see that it works.

[Accuray]

Agree with LiM -- don't monitor her spending, her calling habits, or her whereabouts. To do so is the equivalent of punching yourself in the face.

When you snoop/monitor, your brain will fill in the worst possible interpretation of what you find, and you will be tortured by it. For instance, you've done that already. When you saw that she ordered more sports stuff, your brain filled in that she ordered some for OM on your credit card.

Maybe she did that, more likely she did not, but either way so what? What good does knowing that do you? What can you do with that information other than torture yourself?

I've written you quite a bit today, what do you think about it? Do you agree with what I'm saying or do you think I'm full of cr@p?

Most people arrive here tortured, get some advice from multiple people, ignore it and continue to make the same mistakes everyone else has made before them, make their situation worse and worse, and eventually figure it out after a ton of damage has been done.

Do you want to sidestep all that?

Do you think I'm wrong?

Challenge me if you disagree and let's discuss it. My goal is to help you.

Acc

[198127]

I don't necessarily disagree with you.

She emailed me in the middle of the night saying I am ignoring everything she says but she wants to see if I want to talk at some point to see where I am.

[LiM]

She emailed me in the middle of the night saying I am ignoring everything she says but she wants to see if I want to talk at some point to see where I am.

She's mad because she sees that you are starting to detach and she is taking that as ignoring her.
She wants to see where YOU are at? She's temp checking. When she sees/talks to you, she needs to see that you are detached and moving on with your life without her. Let her see what she is missing out on. She's got to realize a pretty significant loss in her life if she is to begin coming out of the fog.

[198127]

so my response to this is to say. "I'm happy to talk" and then when we do talk basically reiterate what was said above?

[LiM]

What is there to talk about? She's having an A. She either stops, expresses remorse and starts working to repair the damage she's done or there is nothing to talk about.
She seems to be curious about what is going on in your mind and frankly its none of her business. You need to show her that you are moving on and that you are not interested in talking about anything until she ends her waywardness. Words are meaningless at this point. Action is what matters; for both of you. You need to be making significant changes in your life regardless of what she is doing. So start doing those things; not to win her back but because that's what you know you need to do to be a better person. She will see those things and see that they are genuine. Until she is ready to do the same work, there is nothing to talk about.