Thanks for checking in and thank you for the encouraging words. That's a really good idea and you have a point, I need to go back and reevaluate my methods. Last time we spoke/met, it seemed he still had feelings for me and cares for me very much, and I do believe he has seen a lot of change. I've been thinking about and reading up on the pursuer/distancer relationship which is why I've been laying low and allowing him to initiate but, this is longer than his "normal" dark vs nc time routine.
It seems when he is angry or in his own head or telling ppl he's taking action toward D, I wont hear from him for weeks to almost 2 months. Then we'll chat more regularly, then he'll initiate a visit or two to discuss bills and check up on me, we share some laughs, a few subtle R talks, hugging, and then silence again. Then he'll check in again after a week or two. The month leading up to the last time I saw him, he would text me every week to ask how I am doing and if I needed anything. He always says he'll help me or tell me he's going to come back to pick up something or drop something off, and I don't pester him...I just wait lol.
So I am here now, 2.5 weeks later and not a word and I can't do anything about it but work on me. He knows the position I'm in with everything and I keep hope that he'll wake up one day from his fog one day very soon and come all the way down from his tree and give us a chance. I absolutely believe we are better together than apart and that I am a woman only a fool would leave, but I know I gotta do what I gotta do. It's hard to stand for your marriage and deal with moving forward at the same time. It's even harder to see friends having so much success and doing well while I am praying and patiently waiting. At this point, my stand is simply leaning and trusting God that good things are happening that I can't see, I think thats the thing that keeps me coming back to not giving up.
So given this pattern of interaction with him, what do you all suggest? I'd love to get in contact with my DB coach but can't afford it right now. Other than that, the St. John's Wort is definitely helping keep the lows under control.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
