I Used to Like Rollercoasters

[HopeRB]

Listen, I know I'm doing the best I can and I shouldn't be giving it this much focus and attention for someone whose been at this for 10 months, but something won't let me quit.

I need to stop comparing myself to others bc I'm so thankful for the big and small victories I have been fortunate enough to experience. I need to focus on the positives and look at the progress. Everyone's sitch is different and the road to restoration looks different for everyone. And I'm so thankful for the support we've all found in each other. It's truly been a lifesaver.

[Robbity]

Listen, I know I'm doing the best I can and I shouldn't be giving it this much focus and attention for someone whose been at this for 10 months, but something won't let me quit.

Hi HopeRB,
I've been reading your thread and finding a lot of similarity's in our situations. Except that the roles are reversed. I was the WAW but am now having second thoughts. We've been in occasional contact and exchanged an email today. We are planning on getting together next week for dinner.It is his birthday then. I doubt whether there will be any R talk but wonder how he is doing. I am GAL and doing what makes me happy but still miss him a lot. We S in August last year. My call as I have felt under valued and unloved / controlled/ ignored etc for about 2 years before I actually left. Where we live, we cannot get D until we have been S for 2 years.
I'm planning on being happy and positive when I see him but not to have any expectations that things will progress as I would like them to. I hope that he will see that I am back to being the person he fell in love with and that he wants to work on things but I will not be the one to bring that up. No R talk!
Hopefully he has done some work on himself too - he said a while ago that he needs to sort himself out.

I wish you well with your sitch and will be watching your progress through this "rollercoaster" as you call it. I sometimes think I'm in a bad dream.

One foot after the other!

[HopeRB]

Thanks Robbity. For a moment, I thought you were indeed my H "disguising" himself!

I have trouble settling down to sleep bc and taking naps bc I know I'm not in a bad dream and this is actually the reality. I even sometimes pinch myself just to be sure that I'm not sleeping...crazy I know. We do have a lot of similarities and my H cites his leaving for some of the same reasons as you, although I do believe my H is going through some sort of crisis.

Its hard not to have R talk when in person or the rare phone calls. I am just working on being the woman he fell in love with and being a better version of myself in general. Its not all about satisfying his needs at the moment b/c he took that away from me. So this is really all I can do. Part of me feels like he thinks I'll just forget that we're married and the situation will resolve itself and I'll eventually just agree with him. I don't know if he realizes how this kind of thing literally changes a person's make-up. But I also know God IS using this situation to refine and change both of us.

And so, that's where I am right now...hanging off the side of a rollercoaster with both hands as the wind hits my face.

[HopeRB]

Journaling:

And so another weekend is here and I'm feeling like I'm all by myself in the world. Just missing hubby. Nothing new to report except that I still very much want to be his wife. Trying to adjust to this new "normal" and wanting so badly to reach out and tell him all about work and ask him logistical questions, but I can't bc when I do he takes a billion years (or 24 hrs roughly) to get back to me.

The squirrel just keeps coming out of the tree to poke his head out and sometimes comes all the way down but then runs away again. Super frustrating but I'l be patient while I try to live life. Id love for him to come out of his tree again soon....

I'm a few hours north of my home for work for 2 weeks and have decided to go to Boston for the weekend instead of going home and coming back up again b/c theres no one to go home to but an empty house. I don't know anyone there so I think I'll just mill around. Not sure what the heck I want to do, really.

[HopeRB]

Today marks 10months since he left. I haven't heard from him since I saw him on my birthday 2 weeks ago. Confused b/c we had such a wonderful time and he said he wanted to have more good times like that. So, feeling very distressed and discouraged. Especially since 2 ppl have told me stories about how other women went through it and moved on.

Very discouraging conversations to have b/c while I know its possible to move on and that I will be ok, I still want my husband and marriage and dont want to give up.

[TimR]

Hope I think that is very noble to not just throw up your hands and move on. I also think everyone's situation is unique to them and what is right for one does not make it right for someone else.

Concerning your H and your efforts, when was the last time you reevaluated your methods. I sounds as though he is still interested but... has he seen enough change, have you changed the pursuer/distance relationship. Look back at what you have been trying and evaluate the fruits of those efforts and consider changing somethings up.

I cannot say whether it will or will not work. Only you truly know your sitch but maybe you could post what changes you are considering and get some feedback.

I wish you the very best, and keep your hope in your heart!

[HopeRB]

Hey Tim,

Thanks for checking in and thank you for the encouraging words. That's a really good idea and you have a point, I need to go back and reevaluate my methods. Last time we spoke/met, it seemed he still had feelings for me and cares for me very much, and I do believe he has seen a lot of change. I've been thinking about and reading up on the pursuer/distancer relationship which is why I've been laying low and allowing him to initiate but, this is longer than his "normal" dark vs nc time routine.

It seems when he is angry or in his own head or telling ppl he's taking action toward D, I wont hear from him for weeks to almost 2 months. Then we'll chat more regularly, then he'll initiate a visit or two to discuss bills and check up on me, we share some laughs, a few subtle R talks, hugging, and then silence again. Then he'll check in again after a week or two. The month leading up to the last time I saw him, he would text me every week to ask how I am doing and if I needed anything. He always says he'll help me or tell me he's going to come back to pick up something or drop something off, and I don't pester him...I just wait lol.

So I am here now, 2.5 weeks later and not a word and I can't do anything about it but work on me. He knows the position I'm in with everything and I keep hope that he'll wake up one day from his fog one day very soon and come all the way down from his tree and give us a chance. I absolutely believe we are better together than apart and that I am a woman only a fool would leave, but I know I gotta do what I gotta do. It's hard to stand for your marriage and deal with moving forward at the same time. It's even harder to see friends having so much success and doing well while I am praying and patiently waiting. At this point, my stand is simply leaning and trusting God that good things are happening that I can't see, I think thats the thing that keeps me coming back to not giving up.

So given this pattern of interaction with him, what do you all suggest? I'd love to get in contact with my DB coach but can't afford it right now. Other than that, the St. John's Wort is definitely helping keep the lows under control.

[TimR]

Hey Hope,

Have you considered your interactions when you do have contact? Does he check to see that you are still waiting for him and once he is satisfied he lays off a bit. or Do you think he is feeling himself getting too attached again and then scurries back up his tree. I honestly do not know which one would be easier to deal with... Do you think he would wake up if he contacted you and you were not available, if he believed you were moving on? or Do you think he is a good guy who is honestly worried for you but not in love with you waiting to see you moved on, so he can too guilt free??? I would have to say at this point I would be the latter in a relationship that I was ending, cause I would not want to know I caused the same suffering to someone else that I went trough.

I cannot say which way to go or what to do. I certainly do not think you should be just waiting for him or giving off that appearance. If he texts, do not text right back if at all. If he calls do not drop everything to answer the phone. Yet before acting on that maybe ask around to some DBers that were more successful than me.

Best of luck to you Hope!

[HopeRB]

Hey Tim,

Thanks for checking in again. I mess up sometimes when we see each other bc he knows I still want our M. And yes, I do think that he is a good guy who is honestly worried for me but not in love with me and waiting to see that I moved on so he can too, guilt free. And that really really hurts b/c he should feel some sort of guilt about what has happened. But does him knowing I moved on really make him feel better about this?! Like seriously, I'm HIS WIFE.

I cant help but "wait' for him if thats what you want to call it. Im moving forward as best as I can given the situations I am in and trying to figure out. He hasn't called me, and lately has not text me, so I have no opportunities to not answer his phone calls or texts. So I guess that means his mind is set and this is what he wants. That said, isnt that one of the points of DB - that one spouse feels they are completely done?

[Robbity]

I cant help but "wait' for him if thats what you want to call it. Im moving forward as best as I can given the situations I am in and trying to figure out. He hasn't called me, and lately has not text me, so I have no opportunities to not answer his phone calls or texts. So I guess that means his mind is set and this is what he wants. That said, isnt that one of the points of DB - that one spouse feels they are completely done?

I'm checking in on you again.....

None of what he is doing necessarily means anything. Maybe he is working on his own demons? I think mine is. Haven't heard from him for a while either. But that seems to be his pattern now.

I hope you can focus on yourself and try and get out there and do the things YOU enjoy. It does help to keep busy. And keep reading these forums and any self help books/downloads you can get your hands on. Sometimes all of that seems really intense and your head is spinning.....have another light hearted novel handy!

I've been researching Narcissism - that's my H to a T. It makes me feel better knowing that I couldn't have changed him. He needs to work on himself, I can't do it for him.

Sending you love and strength!