Some days are better than others

[EDF]

Hello all,
Been lurking a few weeks and tried to write this post a few times but every time it just drags on and on. Figured I would just start with the basics.

Summary
Husband(me) and Wife in upper 30s, Married 16 years, no kids (mutual choice).
Both of us have dealt with some degree of depression off and on, but especially her. Classic negative feedback cycle of her nagging/criticizing, and me becoming more distant. Both of us expecting the other person to change to meet our oh-so-reasonable requirements.

4/1 BD: Wife wants an Open Relationship. ILYBINILWY. Wife admits to having planned how she could cheat on me, but says "it never happened" (very indirect wording).
W is dealing with depression, and increasing exhaustion/fatigue.
We both had lost quite a bit of weight last couple years; I backslid a bit, but she had kept getting in better shape. We have some very frank conversations - she says she has been getting a lot more notice from guys (what she felt she hadn't been getting from me) and really enjoys it. She wants to be able to flirt, kiss, etc and just do what she wants.
4/7 Signs of EA: I become suspicious, snoop, and discover EA going back months. OM with girlfriend + 2 kids, being pursued by W but OM seems to want to keep things EA 95% of the time. Evidence of a couple nights things started getting physical over past six months, but dumb luck and/or his reluctance intervened both times. W Diary indicates she is very frustrated he seems to be avoiding PA. I decide to not confront, as I want her to at least see the new me before she has any sort of ultimatum... the old me would make anyone look good.

My reactions...
First couple days after BD:
We have some very frank conversations. I somehow manage to remain calm. I tell her I don't think Open Relationship would work, but since it seems so important to her I am willing to think about it.
I spend a day or two in shock, hit bottom, but bounce back hard. I started having some serious introspection and coming to terms with some of my negative behaviors and patterns that had led me to a place where I was very unhappy in many aspects of my life (marriage, work, social) and decided I was no longer content with that.
Next week:
I pursue W hardcore. Send her 2 dozen roses, start cleaning the house like a mofo, knocking off honey-do-list items, cooking her dinner, telling her a unique reason I love her every morning, bought her a necklace, point out all the positive changes I'm making, etc.
It was predictably having no positive effect, and she said she felt smothered.
Next few weeks:
I give up soda. I start eating healthy. Jog every morning. Refocus on my exercise and martial arts classes. Start private dance lessons and reading a book on 'small talk' to help tackle my social issues.
I tell W basically "I thought about it but decided I am not comfortable with an Open Relationship and think that would only make things worse; I consider marriage to mean monogamy, and if she wants to pursue things with other men then we will need to look into getting separated."
I discover MWD and DB and choose that as my gameplan.
I stop pursuing the W. I try to still be upbeat and positive and friendly, but aim to only reciprocate the energy she puts out.
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So, that's a quick synopsis. The DB/GAL/detachment thing sounds so clear, but actually pulling it off is a struggle every single day.

There are a lot of things I am grateful for, but at the same time she is still pursuing the OM. Less, but still making overtures.
- W is still around and we see each other often which is giving her lots of opportunities to notice the changes I am making.
- As I have been GAL'ing, W has definitely noticed and commented and has been increasingly friendlier and the depression/exhaustion symptoms she had have been steadily lessening. She keeps suggesting things for us to do together, and when she asks e.g. my weekend plans and I tell her I am doing XYZ she will invite herself along, and actually have a good time.
- There have been genuine moments between us, her reaching out to touch me, or suggesting we cuddle on the couch, or saying nice compliments. At times it feels like she may be "dipping her toes in the water" so to speak.
- She has been much much less hyper critical of me. Even when I do something the "wrong" way, I can tell she is going out of her way to state things very constructively.

Honestly, I've been working with a phone coach and keeping a log of positive changes and it's almost miraculous considering how solidly she was in 'zombie mode' right after BD.
But as I said she is still in contact with the "just friends" OM. The frequency of online contact has decreased and mostly platonic emails, and they haven't seen each other in person since before BD, but she has still emailed him a couple times teasing/suggesting PA.
He frankly seems to be avoiding her at the moment, although I'm pretty sure if he were to change his mind she would still make the leap to PA.

Her last few diary entries talk about being torn, and hating feeling like this. She mentions only feeling like he pays attention to her when he is drunk or bored. She hates having a desperate feeling to be with him... grows tired yet hangs on to the mere hint of hope of getting together, but that he loves his kids.

So [censored] up. All the comments about WAW not being herself anymore... adrift, irrational, fantasy-driven, like a junkie seeking the next fix... are so spot on.
It is especially hard for me to see, because on the one hand I see her slowly becoming more and more like herself, and she legitimately has a good time hanging out with the new me when she suggests something or tags along... laughing and smiling and even playfully flirting/touching me sometimes. Yet she's still pining over an alcoholic father-of-two cheating on his wife, who will sometimes take days to respond to her emails.

She actually scheduled a solo counseling session for the coming weekend. I am hopeful that might help her start sorting through some of her issues.

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Moving forward, I am still aiming to keep GALing, not pursuing, and working on detaching from her mood.
I am working on doing less snooping, because it really does tend to couple my mood to whatever her mood is at the moment... when days go by without contact it is a little boost, but then when contact happens it's like a kick in the nuts.

I have read on the boards about how some consider WAWs to need a different approach than WWs.
My phone coach feels like my W is being receptive to what I'm doing and since she hasn't completely distanced herself that responding to her initiations with some of the appreciation and playfulness she seeks from OM is a good thing.
I feel like what I have been doing has been having positive results - both for myself in terms of the kind of man I am striving to be and for the wife's interactions with me - so am hoping I am on the right course.
I try to tell myself that I am preparing myself for an engaging positive relationship with Mrs Right, whether that ends up being a new better relationship with my Wife or with someone else down the road.
I'm open to other's outside opinions though.

Some much needed help via Music
In case it helps others, I will mention that one of the things that has really been critical in helping me try to maintain and/or fake a positive/upbeat attitude is music.
I made a couple different playlists of upbeat music I like, and listen to it when I need a pick me up. I go out of my way to sing along, and moving physically with the music really helps too.
Especially on some of the days when I'm at home and trying to not pursue the wife, it can be a real challenge to be distant without being frigid or an emotionless rock. Putting my playlist on the speakers and singing along to myself helps me fake it till I make it.